Recipe to Avoid Disaster

Generally, when I cook, I need precise instructions, otherwise I wind up using more ingredients than usual, prepared improperly.  After that, it becomes a matter of rote.  All that’s left is to get what’s needed and go on autopilot from there.  I prefer to stick with my old favorites, and don't experiment much with new tastes out there.

From what I understand, people have trouble with figuring out cooking.  So much of typical cooking instructions come with ambiguous descriptors, usually relying on intuition borne from numerous results of trial and error, until finally settling upon a combination that works best.

For my Mother, she was grateful to have a cookbook, Second Helpings Please! that just gave the list of instructions, without having to delve into a deep profound personal history on the creation of said foodstuff.

No extraneous words needed.  All the necessary ingredients are clearly labeled on top in bold, with the instructions printed below.  Couldn't be simpler!

Even so, people still find cooking to be an arduous task, and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon why.

As a way of trying to better socialize, I’d been taking a cooking course, where numerous members break the task down into separate sections.  One group handles peeling the potatoes, another focuses on chopping the veggies, another rinses the lettuce, and so on.  On this particular day, I noticed there were some extra cartons of Chicken Broth, and I was unsure if this was for the meat or the soup.

I took a look at the cooking instructions, and found that I was having tremendous difficulty trying to find the specific ingredient.  A friend of mine helped point out which one it was.  (It was for the soup)

After this, I took another look at the instructions, and figured out why I had so much trouble finding it.  Maybe you’ll figure it out before my explanation is done.

To better understand the thought process, let’s take a look at a typical cooking instruction for something simple.  Here’s the first image result I found.

It seems fairly typical.  But let’s take a closer look at the list of ingredients.  Does anything stand out to you?

No?

Seems perfectly normal?

What if I told you there was another way to organize it?

An easier way?

Take another look at that recipe.  Does anything come to mind?

Think hard about this.  Once it’s been seen, it can’t be unseen.

Did you come anywhere close to this?

I’m someone who thinks in pictures rather than words, so when I tried to find the Chicken Broth, I looked at the beginning of each bullet point, rather than looking in the middle, and ran into difficulty there.

Furthermore, the various portions such as cups, teaspoons throws the food ingredients further out of whack.  So if you’re looking for them on the list, and you’re stumbling around the middle, Of course you’re going to run into trouble!

For some reason, we’ve internalized putting the units of measurements first, Ahead of the food!  It would be one thing if we were dealing with assembly instructions, making sure that we had all the parts before getting started.  But cooking isn't like assembling a table from an IKEA catalogue.  (Well, maybe instant cooking)  It's not an exact science - any number of combinations or substitutes can be applied wherever possible.  As long as the formula stays close enough, you can get the results you want.

I wondered why it was like this, putting the numbers before the food, and then I figured that it’s because cooking is a social construct.  In the kitchen, you were likely to say, “give me half a cup of flour” rather than, “give me flour, half a cup”.  One sounds natural, and the other sounds methodical.

Grammatically speaking, it’s correct, but structurally speaking, it doesn’t make sense!  But we don't have to adhere to old social constraints.  We’ve stuck to antiquated listing methods past the point when it should be useful.  Until I pointed this out, it probably didn’t even occur to you.

I don’t know if this discovery means much, but it certainly can’t hurt to rearrange the order a little.  You may find it much easier.

During the cooking class meal, I came up with a tongue twister due to mishearing certain key words; Dude spilled Fruit Soup on his Zoot Suit.  Try saying that three times fast.

As a closer, here’s a slightly revised version of Bubby’s chicken soup recipe:

• chicken x 2 pounds
• beef x 1 pound
• water, cold, 4 quarts
• onions x 6, cut in half
• carrots x 12, cut in half
• celery x 3, cut in half
• potatoes x 3, cut in quarters
• parsley roots or parsnips x 2, cut in half
• parsley and dill, bunch, wrapped in string (to make it easier to take out later)
• Salt and pepper, to taste

1. Put all the meat in water and bring the pot to a boil.
2. Keep on skimming the fat with a strainer many times until there is no fat near the surface.  
3. Add the remaining ingredients, placing the dill and parsley last.
4. Cover and simmer for 1 1/2 hours.  Do not let the water boil, or the soup will not be clear.
5. Remove the parsley and dill bunches.
6. Taste the soup just before it’s done, and continue adding enough spices to make sure it’s perfect.

One Punch Man Vs...

Part 1 here.
Part 2 here.

(The setting is in a field far from the Assassination school, where Saitama and Squirrel Girl are lazing around)

Saitama: There's no real reason for you being here.  Why'd you come?
Squirrel Girl: Are you kidding?  I'm interested in seeing what lousy excuse the teacher's gonna give for not exercising. (Throws peanuts in her mouth like they were popcorn)
Saitama: You never know.  He might've actually decided to try harder this time.
Squirrel Girl: Your unwavering optimism is admirable.
Saitama: I'm just glad you're not taking up resident in my apartment.  I've got too many freeloaders already.
(Looks in a general direction where a bright circle is unsuccessfully trying to camouflage itself)
Saitama: Get out behind that tree.  You're not fooling anyone.
(Koro-Sensei reluctantly moves closer to the field, looking more worried than usual)
Saitama: Well, you know the conditions.  Are you prepared?
Koro-Sensei: I think... I might've made a mistake in choosing your opponent.
Squirrel Girl: Hah!  I knew it!
Saitama: So, you skipped your homework again?  I can't say I'm not disappointed.
Koro-Sensei: I can't throw a punch to save my life!  And I really want to keep my life, you know.  I looked all over, trying to find someone else who'd be more of a match for you, but none came up.  Kenshiro... Jojo... Zaraki...Vegeta... Mr. Satan... they all declined for one reason or another...  Then I started looking further, and came across some hardcore supernatural fighters who might be in your weight class.

Koro-Sensei: So, you're the God of Fighting, huh?  And you're feeling kinda bored, looking for a good fight?
Beerus: That's right.
Koro-Sensei: Well, let me tell you...
Beerus: Nope.
Koro-Sensei: I haven't even started yet!
Beerus: You were going to offer me an opponent worthy of my attention.  Sorry, but I'm currently occupied in reigniting the popularity of a beloved franchise.  Besides, he's only the SECOND man I've dared glanced at that made me weak at the stomach and knees.
Koro-Sensei: The second??  Who was the first?
Beerus: I heavily advise against it.  You don't want to be anywhere near him.
Koro-Sensei: It's not for me, it's for... a friend!
Beerus: You must really hate your friend.
Koro-Sensei: Trust me, this guy's desperate for a fight that'll make him feel something.
Beerus: Well, if abject terror is what he's looking for, then he's right up your alley.  (Hands over card)  Here's his address, but I seriously recommend against it.  (Looks worried)  If he asks, don't use my name.

Koro-Sensei: After a short flight, it didn't take long to set up a meeting with the mystery man, and he certainly lived up to the hype.  I wore my trademark disguise and told him of a monster that'd been tearing up the populace, and he started convulsing with sadistic glee.  At this point, I was beginning to regret not taking Beerus' advice -
Saitama: Yeah, yeah.  That's nice and all, but I still don't see anybody here yet.  You talk too much.
Koro-Sensei: That's because in addition to being overwhelmingly powerful, he's somewhat of an eccentric.  He only agreed to come here if he could make a flashy appearance.  First, he had barbed wire wrapped all around his body... Then rubber tires were stacked, surrounding him... then rubber quick-drying cement was poured through the cracks... as he was encased in a 10-inch steel container.  Now, he's currently being dropped out of a high-flying airplane... without a parachute.  (Puts hand above eyes to protect glare) In fact, I think that's him coming down now.
(Upon plummet, said 10-inch steel container is twisting around, devouring itself from the inside)
Squirrel Girl: You got the Tasmanian Devil?
Koro-Sensei: I WISH.  If Bugs Bunny could handle him, ANYBODY could handle him.  However, I don't think anybody can handle this guy...
(Upon impact, the container bursts into pieces, and a silhouette shredding the barbed wire like toilet paper)
(An intimidating figure comes out of the wreckage, radiating an aura so intense it warps the background)

(Squirrel Girl reaches into her pocket to find a card that suddenly appeared in her inventory)

Deadpool's card guide to Super Villains: Yujiro Hanma - Father of "Grappler" Baki Hanma

• If you're ever feeling tempted to fight this guy, don't.  (That means YOU, Squirrel Girl)
• This is not an instance of reverse-psychology.  Only go up against him if you want to experience having your fighting pride emasculated and made fun of.
• And this is coming from someone who teases The Hulk on a regular basis.
• This is a man who devotes every second of every day totally focused on fighting.
• He lives for nothing more than finding worthy opponents he can crush underneath his heel.
• Black Belt Martial artists have broken their bones just from hitting him in the face.
• TaskMaster tried to mimic Yujiro's punching power, and wound up fracturing his arm in three different places.
• In addition, he's extremely egotistical, and refuses to be chauffeured around by anyone of lower status than the President of the United States.

Squirrel Girl:  You're in luck!  This guy looks pretty tough!  He inspired the character Akuma from Street Fighter.
Yujiro: Akuma??  Pfft.  They had to really nerf him down to make him remotely beatable.  Even Shin Cyber-Akuma is nowhere near my level.
Saitama: I've never been able to beat that guy.  I'm always amazed when seeing someone win against him.
Yujiro: So, I heard that there was a magnificent monster found lurching among this mountaintop.  (Leans and smiles right in front of Koro-Sensei's face)  Anybody seen it?!?
(Koro-Sensei's eyes are unfocused, darting everywhere, some tentacles pointing towards himself, some towards Squirrel Girl, some at Saitama, some at Yujiro)
Yujiro: The spokesman had a round head with a nose that kept falling off.  It couldn't possibly be this octopus-like creature could it?  Talk about slow.  I can't believe a whole country is held hostage by such a weakling who couldn't punch its way out of a paper bag!  (Takes a bite out of a broken-off Koro-Sensei tentacle)
Koro-Sensei: (Looks at his cleanly-broken-off stump)  When did you-?
Yujiro: Yuck!  You taste awful!!  Ptoo!!
Saitama: Yeah, you have to boil his limbs a long time to kill the taste.
Yujiro: (Ignoring Saitama)  So, what's this??  You're trying to teach children how to kill??  How cute.  This country's certainly gone to the dogs if they're reduced to using weapons instead of their bare hands.
Koro-Sensei: (Standing up for himself and his students) Hey, don't insult -
Yujiro: A REAL man settles all their accounts with their fists!  People who devised rocks as tools depended on them... then hammers... axes... spears... blades... bows and arrows... guns... cannons... bombs... the further they developed these extensions of themselves... the further they deviated away from their true power.  Tools are short-cuts that have allowed man to forget the inner strength they hold.

Saitama: And you have that kind of long-lost strength?
Yujiro: Precisely!  That's because I follow a strict regime that I never deviate from:


Yujiro: Of course, that's only appropriate for a macho prodigy like me.  If some random schlub attempted to do even one-tenth of what I've mastered over the years, they would be overwhelmed by the pain, because chances are, they'd be doing it wrong.  Anybody who'd stick to that schedule would be an idiot of monumental proportions.
(Saitama embarrassingly averts his gaze)
Yujiro: I couldn't even fathom what such an exercise would do to a human body.  In my case, I trained so hard, my hair turned blood red.
(Saitama looks even more embarrassed and despondent)
Squirrel Girl: Waitaminute. (does mental math) That's the distance of two-and-a-half marathons a day!  That's physically impossible.
Yujiro: For normal peons, sure.  But there's a trick to it.  Are you aware of how computer monitors are able to save energy?
Squirrel Girl: Uh?  Well, there's screensavers, and ever-advancing cheaper microchips, right?
Yujiro: Sure, but there's more to it.  Back when Steve Jobs was figuring out how to lower costs... for the Apple II... by eliminating noisy fans... Rod Holt found out energy could be saved... by having the screen flicker... multiple times... in a fraction of a second... faster than the human eye could conceive.  By that very same principle... just as computer monitors use rapid blinking to save on power... I exert my body... to move my legs constantly... in a fraction of a second... to the point where they're always moving... while seemingly standing perfectly still.
Squirrel Girl: That's a very weirdly specific way to reveal obscure trivia.  And I don't think exercise works that way.
Yujiro: Shows what you know.  While scouring the globe looking for ever-stronger opponents... and legendary creatures... I spend my free time by going all Rambo in war zones... barehanded... Breaking into heavily guarded panic rooms... Threatening the heads of state... Gatecrashing Underground Tournaments... and the Olympics... Breaking Guinness world records... In my spare time... I attempt Chuck Norris memes.  It's SO great being all-powerful.  I don't see how anybody could ever get bored.

Saitama: You still haven't found anybody worth sparring, right?
Yujiro: Is it that obvious?  Let me tell you - picking a fight with me is the equivalent of declaring war on a Nuclear Country.  For some reason, everybody's too scared to make the first move, so I have to keep provoking them until I get a reaction... which doesn't last long after my first hit.

Yujiro: What's with that cheap-ass costume you're wearing, anyways?  You look like you've wandered off from a crowd-pleasing carnival play.
Squirrel Girl: Not to disparage you, but he's a Super Hero, and so am I.
Yujiro: (Disappointed sigh)  A Superhero?  You're little more than glorified wrestlers with Soap Opera elements.  Sure, you may want to engage in national emergencies in the real world to feel relevant, but for the most part, you're more interested in beating up other people in costumes than anything else.  Admit it - if I dressed up in fancy garbs, you wouldn't think twice of going up against me.
Saitama: I'd still want to hit you, even if you weren't.
Yujiro: Now, if I were ever given a Hero title, it would be along the lines of Captain General Admiral Commander CurbStomp, given how easily I crush my foes.
Saitama: That's a little long-winded isn't it?
Yujiro: Something catchier then?  Okay, since I enjoy using my limbs so much, you could call me One-Kick Man.
Saitama: That sounds... almost, but not quite right for some reason I can't quite pin down.
Yujiro: You don't seem convinced of my physical superiority, so I'll prove it to you.  I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
Squirrel Girl: Uh... do you know who you're talking to???
Yujiro: Yeah.  Some average guy.
Saitama: (Shrugs)  Alright, if you insist...  (Winds up arm)
Yujiro: No, NO, NO!  Don't you even know how to throw a punch?!  Here, let me show you.

 


Yujiro: (Grabs Saitama's hand) Just bunch your fingers into a fist (thumb outside last), then tuck your arm backwards to gather up all your strength, so you can lurch your momentum forwards into one piercing blow that'll blow away your opponent with one shot!

Squirrel Girl: Um... I think he already knows more than enough about punching...
Yujiro: This won't do at all.  Your form's too amateurish.  We're going to have to amp up your game to get any decent damage.  (Points to Koro-Sensei)  YOU.  Come here.
(Koro-Sensei nervously obliges)
Yujiro: You can move pretty fast, can't you?  I want you to carry this man around the stratosphere several times.  When you return via re-entry, you should be burning enough centrifugal force to rend flesh and bone.  But that's not enough - you should also be spinning counter-clockwise for maximum damage.
(Yujiro digs a small circle in the grassy ground around his feet)
Yujiro: By the time you land from orbit back at this very spot, you'll have gained enough Mach speed to MAYBE present enough of a challenge against me.
Koro-Sensei: And what if I refuse to comply with your demand?
Yujiro: Then I'll hunt you down to the ends of the Earth.
(Koro-Sensei attempts to run away, but Yujiro keeps getting in front of him)
Yujiro: Forget it.  Even if you move to another continent, I'll just cut the Earth in half, and throw that half into the sun.  Then I'll move onto the next half, until there's no more halves to hide from.
Koro-Sensei: You - you're bluffing!
Yujiro: Am I?  I'd sooner destroy the Earth with my bare hands before you do it yourself.  You're talking to someone who stopped an Earthquake just by punching the ground.

Koro-Sensei: (Turns to Saitama)  I'm sorry, but it looks like we'll have to team up in order for him to fight you.
Saitama: I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this.
(The two of them zoom off into the atmosphere)
Yujiro: And now, we play the waiting game.
Squirrel Girl: (Tiptoes up behind Yujiro) You may act all aggressive, but I know your type.  You're a macho macho man.  You guys were very popular in the 90's, posturing around with your heavy guns and grimacing faces.
Yujiro: This isn't a grimace - this is a SMILE.  A welcoming smile to intimidate opponents and reassure small children.

Squirrel Girl: If that's a smile, I'd hate to see your frown.  While we're waiting for them to come back, how about you spar with me?
Yujiro: Sorry, I don't fight women.  They're too soft and fleshy, and not worth my time.

Squirrel Girl: Oh, NOW you're just asking for it!  (Thinks) "Sorry Deadpool, but I can't take that remark lying down."
(Squirrel Girl attempts several punches and kicks upon Yujiro's person, who barely notices)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, time to amp my game up!  (Chitters, summoning thousands of squirrels from all over)
Yujiro: (Notices the ground covered with furry little creatures) I usually fight animals more than twice my size.  Handling smaller creatures is beneath my notice.  But I'll play along.
(Inhales deeply) (Screams a high pitched yell that has all the nearby squirrels scrambling wildly) (Only a few dozen brave squirrels are still remaining)
Yujiro: That was the mating call of the dreaded cannibal squirrel-eater - a squirrel that eats other squirrels.
Squirrel Girl: (Visibly shaken, but still standing) No - no problem.  I can still manage with a handicap!
Yujiro: If you're still going against me, you'd better take these.  (Hands over a bunch of dangerous-looking weapons)
Squirrel Girl: What was all that tirade you went on about not depending on weapons for tools?  And where were you hiding all these?
Yujiro: (Looking away) That octopus teacher is more scared of me than I thought.  He's been throwing dozens of various objects my way at my blind spots in the vain hope that he might catch me off guard.  So far, all I'm getting is my hands loaded with dead weight.  Careful with that - that's an unexploded grenade.
(Squirrel Girl's eyes bulge out) (A squirrel hands over a piece of wire for Squirrel Girl to defuse the bomb)
(When Squirrel Girl looks up, she's surprised to see Yujiro carrying a cruise missile with the rocket engine still running)
Yujiro: Hmpf.  He's getting desperate.  (Scratches the words "STOP STALLING" on the missile's side and throws it heavenwards where it's intercepted by Koro-Sensei's flight path)

Saitama: (Reads the rocket message) Better do what he says.  I've been trying to tell you not to bother, and leave him to me.
Koro-Sensei: But that guy scares me more than you can possibly imagine!
Saitama: Rather than focus on him, you should've focused on fighting me.
Koro-Sensei: You mean after this, you still want to fight me???
Saitama: If you'd spent as much time avoiding your homework as you did on doing your homework...
Koro-Sensei: Don't lecture me about responsibility!

Yujiro: (Looks up) Hmmm!  He's doing better than I thought!  (Raises his arms and flexes until his shirt rips, exposing his bare chest)
(Squirrel Girl's Deadpool card beeps with new information)

• When he contorts the face of the demon on his back, that's when he's getting serious!  RUN AWAY.

(Saitama is entering the atmosphere with incredible velocity, catching fire, while still retaining his composure, looking slightly bored)
(Koro-Sensei is looking utterly terrified)
(Yujiro is still smiling maniacally, standing still on the field)
(The impact creates a fountain of dirt and dust spreading everywhere)

Report account of events from Squirrel Girl later:

Squirrel Girl: How would I describe Yujiro Hanma?  Well... how do I put it?  He's a cheater.  There's really no other way to describe him, really.  No, I'm not going to stay silent!  Don't act so nervous!  You're going to hear what I have to say, whether you like it or not!
Interviewer:  (Resignedly) It's your funeral...
Squirrel Girl: When the octopus teacher with Saitama clashed with the Rictus Grin fighter, there was a massive burst, as if somebody set off a dozen charges of explosives underneath for dramatic effect.  On first sight, it looked like both parties disintegrated upon impact.  But the reality of what actually happened was stupider than you'd think.

(Squirrel Girl is carrying several squirrels who are fanning away the excessive dust with their tails)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, anybody still moving?  I know that explosion didn't hurt anybody.
(The dust clears to reveal Koro-Saitama with his fist buried in the Earth, while Yujiro stands several meters away)

Squirrel Girl: What are you doing all the way over there?  I thought you weren't going to move from that spot?
Yujiro: That's what I said. And I didn't - the Earth moved.
(Sees the patch of land Yujiro dug around with his foot)
Squirrel Girl: You kicked your spot away with your heel before Saitama landed?!  That's cheating!
Yujiro: Don't be such a sore loser.  And besides, you've read the situation wrong.  Before impact, I countered by striking a jab, while ALSO making a roundhouse blow.  But even countering that excessive force wasn't enough to keep the unsturdy patch of land firmly rooted to this spot.
Squirrel Girl: In other words, you hit them before they hit you.
Yujiro: Considering how fast they were going, it's a wonder I wasn't blown away further.

(Koro-Saitama pulls his arm out of the crater)
Yujiro: Well, now that we're all done getting warming up, let's move on to the main event.
(Yujiro rushes into Koro-Saitama's zone, executing and trading multiple blows that are easily parried and shrugged off)
Yujiro: Weak.  So weak.  It's amazing how unbelievably WEAK you are.
Squirrel Girl: (Looking puzzled)  I was evenly matched against Saitama while wearing the Koro-suit.  And Yujiro's keeping pace?  Something's not right here.
Yujiro: (turns to Squirrel Girl while still in the volley of trading punches, kicks and feints)  You seem to be misunderstanding something.  It's not that his punches have become stronger.  (Grabs hold of Koro-Sensi's head)  It's that this damned octopus is getting in the way!
Koro-Sensei: I am?
Yujiro: Rather than amplifying your techniques, you're actually Restraining Saitama's strength.  He's worried that if he tries any harder, he'll wind up unintentionally hurting you.
Koro-Sensei: Well, that's rather kind of -
Yujiro: As I said before, WEAK.  A REAL man wouldn't be concerned with surrounding himself with burdensome tools.  (Squeezes Koro-Sensei's head)  If you really want to help out, stand aside, and let this matter be settled between two men.
Koro-Sensei: Gladly!!  (Slips out of Yujiro's hand the instant he relaxes his grip)  Go ahead!  Fight to your heart's content!

Yujiro: (Smirks and raises his arms) Now that all annoying restraints have gotten out of the way, we can finally start fighting seriously!
Saitama: Sure, as soon as you start fighting seriously yourself.
Yujiro: Are you implying I've been holding myself back this whole time?
Saitama: I wouldn't be surprised, considering how mundane your previous opponents must've been.
Yujiro: (Snarling) Coming from anybody else, that'd be an insult.  Honestly, you're not as much fun as I'd hoped you'd be.  You're barely responsive!
Saitama: Yeah, I've been let down so many times from guys who claimed they were the strongest, and then turned out to be total crybabies.  You're not going to run away, are you?
Yujiro: I'm no battle junkie!  I can quit fighting anytime I want to!  I just don't want to.
(Yujiro launches an air-shattering punch which Saitama casually catches)
Saitama: You threw a punch.  That means -
(Yujiro follows up with a kick, using Saitama's clutch on his fist as leverage)
Saitama: (Looks unaffected) I wasn't finished -
Yujiro: (Continuing landing blows) The fight has now officially started!  No backing off now!
(Saitama throws a punch, which misses Yujiro, destroying the mountaintop in the process)
Yujiro: Not bad, but I could do better!  (Plunges his arm in a nearby stream, sending waves that ripple along the path, until they burst out throughout the mountaintop, showering the region in dirt)  Let's see you beat that!!
Saitama: Quit it.  The Earth isn't your opponent, I am.
Yujiro: (Pulls on the grass like it was a carpet, flipping Saitama upside down) Collateral Damage!
(Yujiro rushes in, attacking Saitama's backside, which is being blocked from behind)
Yujiro: For a self-taught fighter who's never been in a dirty fight, you're doing quite well!
Saitama: Thank you, that's quite the compliment.
Yujiro: (Spins upside down) But if it were me, I'd use every advantage at my disposal, like this!  (Kicks Saitama to the ground)
(Saitama recovers instantly, punching Yujiro's midair position... who just deftly lands on Saitama's fist)
Yujiro: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You're STILL holding back!  (Kick's Saitama's face to no effect)  Don't insult me by taking it easy on me!
Saitama: And I'm saying I haven't started fighting yet!

Koro-Sensei: (Yelling) You guys are both nuts!!
(The two of them pause briefly to look at Koro-Sensei)
Koro-Sensei: It's so easy for you to destroy something.  Creating something of worth is much harder.  Anybody can take a sledgehammer to their ideals.  The real masters are those who chisel their way into submission.  Sure, it'd take much longer to create a masterpiece in the process, but at least you'd have the sense of accomplishing something that'd test the strands of time.
Saitama: Well, that's that.  You win.
Koro-Sensei: What?   Really??? Just like that???
Saitama: I'd never be able to say something that poignant today.
Koro-Sensei: If I'd known I could've stopped you with simple philosophy, I would've talked long ago.
Saitama: Wouldn't matter.  You still talk too much.  So, are you still going to destroy the Earth?
Koro-Sensei: That depends on whether Yujiro'll do that first.
Saitama: Don't worry.  He's not gonna hunt down somebody he just admitted was too weak for his taste.
Koro-Sensei: What about you?
Saitama: He's strong, but I have no real reason to fight him.
(The two of them walk off, leaving Yujiro standing all alone, looking perplexed)

Yujiro: Is he kidding?  Does he think destroying the human body with your bare hands is EASY??  Do you have any idea how long it took me to be able to effortlessly curb-stomp anyone into submission? (Turns to Squirrel Girl) I'm gonna relieve my stress by taking it out on you!
Squirrel Girl: Sorry, but I don't like the idea of being sloppy seconds.  You can tell everybody that you fought against the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl to a draw.  Nobody would ever have to know the truth.
Yujiro: But *I* would know that!!!
Squirrel Girl: Tough nuts.
Yujiro: Well, who's going to suffer my wrath then?!
Squirrel Girl: (Looks at her watch) Just wait five more seconds.
Yujiro: Five...?
(An explosion of dirt erupts nearby, sending dirt and trees flying everywhere)
(Within the debris arises a bulky pale creature with tightly stitched seams all over its body, atop a crimson curved head)
Muscularly Bulky Creature: For too long, my brethren have been mercilessly pounded upon without remorse!  I am Punching Bag Man!  But now, I'll exact righteous vengeance upon the foolish creatures that've relentlessly pounded upon my people!  And it's all thanks to this foolish squirrel who chewed away the seals surrounding my prison!
Yujiro: (Stares with bloodlust in his eyes) YOU'LL DO.
(Squirrel Girl casually watches the ensuing carnage while eating peanuts like popcorn)

More Rejected Garfields

Since it's been such a long time since any of my submissions have shown up on SROMG (the last entry was in February), and there aren't any of my submissions coming in the coming month, I thought it might be time for another entry of Garfield concepts that didn't quite make the cut.

Keep in mind that this is a compilation of concepts I had that were never fully realized, so some samples will remain incomplete.

Webcomics

Before going on to my comic drafts, I figure I might as well point out some worthy Garfield parodies that were found online.  First up is Josh Burggraf's comic consisting of taking two separate comic panels and doing the artwork in between.


Somewhat appropriate, considering there was a Random Nancy generator before a Garfield one.

Or this comic that's a contender for the most disturbing Garfield since the legendary Halloween week.


And then there's this oddity that I can't find the original address of, though I'm sure it was either the sixth or seventh comic in the archive.

There are also two comics shown on the forums that I'm surprised haven't shown up on the archives yet.

One which will make more sense to Jojo aficionados.

The other, which is a take on the recent Blender Face meme.

Maybe they're still in the queue, or they've just been forgotten.

Magazines

These are some pages that came from comic magazines that were often in conjunction with other comic parodies.  It seemed somewhat of a shame to just include the Garfields without showing the other comics included on the page.  The sole exception to this was Electric Company Magazine, which was unusual enough on its own, and didn't require further explanation.

Cracked scripts were hardly the stuff of sophistication, and less than polished, their level of humour was closer to a children's demographic, which would have material that would normally be bypassed by MAD's more adult readership.  As a result, you were more likely to see cartoon parodies like YuckTales there.

The Quebec satire Magazine CROC was the French National Lampoon / MAD Magazine over there, and there would be instances of mean-spirited portrayals of famous cartoon characters, of which Garfield was part of.

However, simply submitting the Garfields alone would put him in situations that would be difficult to explain without removing the other comic parodies for context.  It also didn't seem right to exclude the other comics as well, since I would be effectively be removing their presence from a wider audience.

Just be warned - part of a satirical work means staying close to the source material, so if the humour doesn't come across as particularly funny, that means they've done their job properly.

Children's Books

Steven Kellogg is one of my favorite Children's Book author / artists, creating imaginative and lushly drawn watercolour classics such as The Mysterious Tadpole, Can I Keep Him?, Much Bigger than Martin, and Ralph's Secret Weapon.  And that's not counting his retellings of American Folklore like Johnny Appleseed, Pecos Bill, Mike Fink and Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind Crockett, as well as alternate takes on Fairy Tales such as Chicken Little and I Know an Old Lady, always with amusing noisy details in the background.  His children showed a breadth of imagination long before Calvin made it an innovation on the Newspaper pages.  Not to mention beloved characters such as Jimmy's Boa, Pinkerton and Marvelosissimo the mathematical magician.

But I consider one of his earliest books, The Orchard Cat (along with Best Friends) to be his masterpiece.  Sadly, much of his older stuff is out of print, and would be completely unknown for today's young audience.  (It's not even available on his homepage!)

For those who haven't read it, The Orchard Cat is about a cat who is brought up believing that he has the right to rule over everyone, regardless of charisma or ability.  After pretty much bullying and terrorizing every creature in the woods (winning himself no one over to his side), he stubbornly continues off into his path. It isn't until after crashing a children's birthday party, and overindulging himself inside a chocolate cake that's larger than he can possibly swallow, that he's made sick to his stomach.  Once found, he's basically adopted by the birthday boy who says, "What you need, kitty, is someone who cares."  While recuperating, the cat begins to realize that being King isn't what he really wanted all along.

In addition, I had trouble finding multiple suitable frames of Garfield's mother for where the Cat's abusive mother relays her last words upon her son.  It also didn't seem right to turn his mother (who'd been nothing but considerate and affective to her son) into a Ma Barker figure.

You can see from the sample below which comics I'd intended to use.  It shouldn't be that difficult to figure out which goes where.

Kliban is an artist who is best known for drawing distinctively grey tabby cats.  One particular comic happened to catch my eye, and I suitably combined it with the chorus from Millions of Cats.  While a suitable mash-up, I felt it wasn't close enough to an actual Garfield theme to warrant submission.

Aislin is best known for being a Canadian cartoonist who does scathing caricatures of Montreal politics in striped-down form.  Sometimes they're so condensed that its oftentimes difficult to know what's being referenced without historical notes on hand.  His crosshatching style and "dandruff" dots signature style is easily recognizable, and he has no trouble with imitating other cartoony styles if they serve his purposes.  He branched out in doing a children's book about a dog named Tootle, which starred a dog who wanted to be a human.

Sadly, just having a picture of a tabby cat isn't enough - I need to find inspiration or a connection to a Garfield strip, and there simply wasn't one I could find.  Not surprisingly, Garfield's popularity comes from avoiding anything remotely controversial, so it's no surprise why I had so much trouble.

Miscelaneous

That obsession in finding images of orange cats for reference material led me to borrowing a sub-par 3-D animated movie, Missing Lynx.  It's about an accident-prone Lynx and a gang of endangered species trying to escape from a poacher that's closer to Clayton than Percival McLeach in terms of intimidation.  Needless to say, I wasn't very inspired to find any suitable frames for parodying.

Other times, my reach exceeded my grasp.  There was a Krazy Kat that had a rather catchy Sunday comic with multiple rhyming stanzas.  However, I was simply intimidated by the amount of searching I'd have to do to find suitable frames for each line, as well as the amount of editing involved.  Furthermore, I was stumped on how to end it properly, considering that it cuts off near the end.  Although there already was a SROMG featuring a Krazy Kat, it was hardly enough to gain a rise in popularity, and my tribute would still be considered odd.  Maybe somebody else can pick up from where I left off.

The Gazette Comics where I got my love of reading Sunday comics from would have their front cover graced by various drawings from multiple budding child artists.  The subject matter would be extremely varied, ranging from everyday childish scrawls to commercial toy products to animated characters, and yes, even sometimes some familiar cartoons ripped from the funny pages.

From this collection of covers, you can make out a kind of chronological story that goes as follows:

Garfield is intimidated about making an appearance at first without guidance.  Then he rapidly rises to the top of the ranks in popularity.  Within short time, he's hosting the appearance slot.  Soon, he's hobnobbing with some of the highest cartoon figures.  However, being associated with celebrity status isn't an equal opportunity market, and there are a few bad eggs in within the ranks.  Some cartoon characters (who shall remain nameless) have no scruples about playing pranks on the fat cat, much to their delight at tormenting whenever possible.  In order to get his beloved possessions back, Garfield is forced to undergo enduring embarrassing public initiation rituals, though there are certain limits he won't cross.

(With thanks to Lachie Bleachley, Colette Shaw, Kenny Kunin, Catherine Le Gallais, Dianne Hollinger and Cindy Torreiro for providing the artwork)

When I made the suggestion to do a compilation effort for Garfield's Judgement Day, I was hoping I would be able to attract other enthusiastic fans who wanted to create something along the lines of Batkira or Sailor Moon Animate.  However, the project proved to be too overwhelming, especially considering the number of new characters would outnumber any background characters in the strip.  Let me rephrase that - any REUSABLE background characters, since unless they're pretty girls, the men are pretty varied.  I suppose it's easier to remake a widely beloved franchise if the audience is already aware of every single frame, rather than recreating something from scratch with the barest bones of a plot available from a fairly obscure book.

One thing that occurred to me that was mentioned in the background was that various pets made complaints about the limited imagination of their names, being regulated to either Mittens or Spot.  I figured that this could be alluded to when Garfield first arrives at the theater during the storm.  While canvassing the crowd to see who'd made it, the scene could go something like this:

"Okay, there's Mittens, Spot, Spot and Mittens, Mittens and Spot, Mittens Mittens and Spot, the three Spots... wait, Eli and Barney aren't here.  Let's tally up one more time.  There's Spot and Mittens, Mittens and Spot, hi Mom, Mittens, Mittens and Mittens, Spot, Pots, Stop and Tsop... wait, Arlene isn't here either!"

I made contact with one of the regular SROMG contributors who commented on a forum, and this was the sole result of all our work.  (Most of it mine)  The scene in question takes place when Garfield and the other animals gain the power of speech to warn their owners about the upcoming storm.  Jon is coming home from the grocery store and striking up another one-way conversation about what tantalizing treats he's just bought.

This last one is something of a personal regret.  Often while taking public transportation on the highways, I would see the outlines of three warehouses in the horizon.  They were named as follows: GARTERM, GARPORT and GARFIELD.  Yes, there actually was a building named Garfield.

For a long time, I wanted to capture all three of their logos into one picture.  Unfortunately, by the time I had a camera and close-up access to the location, the Garfield warehouse had disappeared, leaving the remaining two warehouses standing.

If there's anybody out there who has photographic proof of the land where Garfield once stood, I'd be grateful.