Shattered Theory

Lately, I’ve become obsessed with two entertaining forms of Media that I’d long since avoided due to the hype they’d been given, Undertale and Steven Universe.  Two very different but thematically similar entertainment with tremendous crossover appeal.  And I'd been using my spare time going through the rabbit hole of fanart and fancomics, saving whatever I could find later.  Not to mention the numerous analytical essays on the show.  Which is about a Magical Boy being raised by older Space Rocks in the form of Anthropomorphic Women.

Given the description, one could be forgiven for what it'd be like,
rather than what it's actually like.

I'd been watching Adventure Time, and was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the show despite its seemingly childishness and Videogame logic, finding the writing to be on par with early Simpsons episodes.  Which shouldn't have been that surprising, since the writers grew up on those, and pretty much threw everything they were influenced by into their work.

There's a Kitchen Sink in there somewhere.

One of the producers for Adventure Time, Rebecca Sugar, created Steven Universe as a show for her brother, and it's developed a particularly rabid following.  The first time I heard of it, I didn't think much of it, being little more than a Magical Boy show with overt Anime overtones and references.
I’d been annoyed at other American attempts to emulate Anime without understanding the inherent appeal behind the traits they were exploiting. (Hello, Teen Titans)  At the time, it was easy to ignore, since I didn't get the channel it aired on, but once Teletoon started airing reruns, I decided to give it a shot, and was quickly hooked.  Steven can be admittedly annoying with his "Please!  Don't fight!" outlook, but his positive outlook gradually wins you over.

Much like Adventure Time, Steven Universe is pretty much a love letter to Anime, and clearly done by people who’ve played Video Games and aren’t just aping the superficial surface appeal that make them popular.  The show wavers between down-to-Earth stories, and intense internal conflicts.  The early episodes take some time to get used to knowing the characters, but once it hits the halfway point (Mirror Gem/Ocean Gem) of the 1st season, it lays the foundation for what'll happen next.

Doing for Geology what Sailor Moon did for Astronomy.

Each episode is only 11 minutes in length each (save for a few half-hour specials), so marathonning through these isn't as much as a hurdle as you'd think.  The cliffhanger for the 4th Season was so great I broke down and watched the beginning of the 5th Season just to see what'd happen next.  Online downloadable subtitles made this much easier for me to understand what was going on.  But I couldn't make them appear in conjunction with the action on the screen - I just dragged the SRT file into a different window, and scrolled down when the time was right.

...let's say that this is accurate.

If there's a fault with the show, it's that the release schedule for newer episodes is so erratic and arbitrary that hiatus and wait time between only builds greater anticipation onto what's coming next.  Which is hampered by an extensive use of down-to-Earth episodes that are stand-alone, but symbolically meaningful, and sidestepping the overall ongoing plot.  It's a slow burn that requires analysis and probing clues and trying to find meaning wherever they exist.  Having gotten into the show around the 4th Season when there was already a backlog available, I can imagine how frustrating it must've been to wait for the next installment.  Waiting for the latest subtitles to become available was a torturous time between everyone else getting a leg up and wanting to catch up.

In fact, one of my previous blog posts was created as a response to the show.  Especially upon the worry that the 5th Season might be the last Season.  (So far, the 6th Season is all but verified at this point, despite it not being confirmed yet)

This too, is accurate.

So, with the release of the latest subtitles for the big reveal that must’ve been bugging the Universe Crew with the commercial trailers spoiling everything beforehand, I figured now would be the proper time to showcase a radical theory that I’m surprised hasn’t been proposed before.

Spoilers for early 5th Season episodes after the cut.

Fitting Endings

There were several comic sites that once popular, suddenly dried up in terms of production.  For some reason or other, they were largely abandoned, and sporadically updated.  Ironically enough, when I was gathering material for their lack of updates, they spontaneously updated, as if they knew I was going to complain about their inactivity.  Well, joke's on them!  I'm going to talk about them, whether they want me to or not!

First up is an Archie Out of Context that I Almost submitted.

The only difference between this and mine was, I included the first panel, hence my hesitation.  The removal of the setup is a bigger improvement, since it presents an alluring figure in high heels, as all women who get out of the shower are won't to do.

Garfield Minus Garfield was a major contributing force back in the day, but recent edits have largely dried up.  The latest submission in months is not much different from all that's come before, the edits being easily manageable, and the motivation being just as uninspired by the source material.  That reasoning being that some strips that are background sensitive are trickier to deal with.

If at any time that G-G ever decides to hang up the phone on the parody for good, this entry from November 13, 1980 would be a worthy closer.

Bleaching Cerebus

One of the things that occurs when you read multiple comics at a time, and obsess over certain series, you begin to notice certain similarities between them that would be considered glaringly obvious if anyone noticed.  The problem comes when the problematic fandoms that could understand such revelations are miles apart, leaving any possibility of crossover as being obtuse in-jokes at best.

One of the worst things of indulging in obscure cult hits is getting heavily invested in headcannons  that the rest of the world is largely ignorant about, being totally obsessed with whatever popular media outlet is currently happening.  I had no one to share my viewpoints with (at least not online), without potentially alienating anyone about just what I found so compelling, and going into comprehensive backlog of exposition which is not my forte.

Despite the fact that there’s very little cross-over appeal, I noticed certain similarities between Cerebus and Bleach:

• Both series started out rough but strong, then lost their appeal around the 2/3 mark.
• Both series had their chapter titles displayed in innovative ways (particularly during Church & State).
• Both series were in Black & White, and written by an author with Misogynist qualities.

Okay, so there's not that much similarity, but once I got started, I couldn't stop, especially since I was underwhelmed at the lackluster Bleach arc, and started thinking up ways it could be made more interesting.

Of course, given the sheer intimidation factor that is Cerebus, only a handful of people who'd get all the references would understand what the hell I was talking about.  There's no other medium that Cerebus is capable of working in, and adapting the Magnum Opus is an exercise in madness.  Though, if one were to theoretically try, it would be to combine the first and 2nd books at the same time.  Have the events of High Society be offset with flashbacks to Cerebus' time as a Barbarian Mercenary.

I started getting invested in Cerebus around the same time that Bleach was winding down.  Both long-running series are beloved more for their first two-thirds rather than their last third which for the latter, many felt spoiled the series’ reputation as a whole.

Around that time, Captain Aizen was involved with a convoluted plan to breach the gates of Heaven (or what counts as the higher plane ruling Soul Society)  In a similar way, Cerebus was described as being three failed attempts to approach Heaven.  So it didn’t take much imagination to imagine what the ensuing conflict of Cerebus and Aizen would’ve been like, since they were so wonderfully unorthodox, since the majority of Bleach’s Bankais were more or less an impressive show of power one-upmanship.

On the other side of the spectrum, Cerebus was extremely influential, but almost forgotten.  Though the Telephone book collections' relevance is starting to gain some recognition in light of a certain American politician who shall remain nameless (ol’ whatsisname)

The fanfic I had in mind was where Aizen would've finally breached the gates of Heaven... only to find out that their gatekeeper is apathetic, greedy, immoral, and just plain confounding.

The Appeal of Anti-Climax Man

Fan1: Hey, I haven't seen you around much lately.  What's up?

Fan2: Nothing much.  I've just been preoccupied with this series that's Crazy Awesome and Addictive: Anti-Climax Man.

Fan1: Oh yeah, I think I've heard of it.

Fan2: You gonna give it a try?

Fan1: I dunno.  It seems to have limited appeal beyond its high-concept premise.

Fan2: Dude, you know me.  I don't get heavily invested in anything without good reason.

Fan1: Well, I could, but isn't it only available on some heavily reserved ultra-expensive elitist subscribed channel?

Fan2: It's been leased out to this other channel that you have.

Fan1: Well, it's a later episode, so -

Fan2: Not a problem.  Each is self-contained, while also building on a larger narrative.

Fan1: I'd still like -

Fan2: There's also several online sites showing it for free.

Fan1: I feel a little uneasy about -

Fan2: I also have the DVD sets.

Fan1: Man, it was SO easy for me to ignore when it wasn't easily available.

Fan2: WATCH IT.

Fan1: Okay, okay.  Don't twist my arm.  I'll take a look, but I'm not promising anything.

(Two days later)

Fan2: So, what do you think so far?

Fan1: Well, it's okay I guess.  The guy gets caught up in outlandish scenarios that are resolved in the most banal ways possible.

Fan2: I know!!  Isn't it great?!

Fan1: I thought he'd just win all the time, but I was surprised that he allowed himself to lose on purpose.

Fan2: You have to admit it was an effective way to deescalate the situation.

Fan1: As I said before, its extremely childish.  The supporting cast seem to be more fully developed compared to the protagonist who's pretty much a blank slate for the audience to latch onto.

Fan2: How much of it did you see?

Fan1: ...thirty episodes.

Fan2: HAH!  I knew once you'd get started, you'd find it hard to stop!

Fan1: Well, they're very breezy.  I wasn't too into it at first, but after awhile, it started to grow on me.  Frankly, I was surprised at how quickly I blazed through them.  I'll give it another thirty episodes, but if things haven't improved any, I'll quit.

(A week later)

Fan1: The later seasons are completely INSANE.  There's so much Tension involved.  And Anti-Climax Man is always so blasé about it!  I'm always screaming at him to look at the Apocalyptic Disaster he's completely unaware of, just so he can resolve it in that pithy underhanded manner he always does!

Fan2: NOW do you see why I like it so much?

Fan1: I'll say!  I never thought I would become so invested in this so much!

Fan2: I'm particularly impressed with the emotional heft the characters have.  For being rather broad caricatures, there's a surprising depth to their relationships.  Who they were at the beginning of the show are completely different to how they are later on.

Fan1: For me, it's all about the constantly building pressure in every episode.  How long can they prolong the situation before Anti-Climax Man resolves it?!  And he's always in the wrong place!!  LOOK TO YOUR LEFT!!

(A month later)

Fan1: It's absolute torture waiting for new episodes to come up.  I've been compulsively rewatching the early episodes picking up subtle clues that've been sprinkled throughout.

Fan2: Even the lousy episodes?

Fan1: Well, maybe not those, but definitely the high quality ones.  I've made amusing crossover Fanfics because I've been dreaming about it in my sleep!

Fan2: Yes.  Revel in the pain. 

Fan1: This was your plan all along wasn't it?  To draw me into this Fandom just so you'd have someone to compare ulcers with?

Fan2: Consider yourself lucky - I got into it when there were fewer episodes than there are now.

Fan1: I didn't even know it existed, but now I can't imagine not having this show in my life.

Fan2: Well, don't get too complacent.  There's been rumours that this might be the last season.

Fan1: Are you kidding me?!  There's still so much untapped potential!!  Not to mention so many unresolved plotlines!!!  Are we ever going to find out what that mysterious item in the warehouse was supposed to be?!  How can they possibly wrap everything up in just a few episodes?!

Fan2: As I said before, it's still hearsay.  The sponsors have been complaining that the side characters have been taking over the show.  Anti-Climax Man hardly ever shows up anymore.

Fan1: But that's the whole appeal!!  It's seeing these lesser competent guys deal with the increasingly heightening drama the only way they can that further ramps up the suspense!!  Anti-Climax Man's presence would resolve things way too soon!

Fan2: Well, sponsors don't always understand what their viewers are so passionate about.  And the viewer numbers have been dropping.

Fan1: Because it's constantly in reruns!!  And... (checks rating numbers) each episode STILL gets at least two million views!!

Fan2: If it's any consolation, we had a good run.  And we can still spread word about the show through word of mouth.

Fan1: I tried to get my friends to get interested in Anti-Climax Man.

Fan2: And?

Fan1: They just laughed in my face for trying to convince them to watch a silly children's show when they've got more serious Adult entertainment suited for them.  The fools.  I tried to make it as easy as possible for them to jump in, but they resist any attempt to even give it a sidelong glance!

Fan2: Sounds like a certain somebody I know.  Weren't you just complaining that Anti-Climax Man was in danger of becoming formulaic and predictable?

Fan1: I wanted excitement, but Not Like This!  I've been checking the news feeds every day, checking every #Anticlimaxman tag on an hourly basis.  The suspense is terrible.  I hope it doesn't last.

(Ding)

Fan2: Sounds like another hit just registered.

Fan1: Probably just another article about making your very own Anti-Climax character.  As if I didn't have enough - (Gasps)  It's news about the creator of Anti-Climax Man.

Fan2: Looks like something happened to the guy.

Fan1: I can't look.  What does it say??

Fan2: It says...

TO BE CONTINUED.... (maybe)

Pmurt, The Anti-Trump

Chapter 34: Prescription

by Moore Urasawa

(Setting: the interior of a hospital wing.  A balding detective in a trench coat knocks on the door of an office)

Detective Flinch: Dr. Tenma?
(The door opens, revealing a world-weary brunette in a laboratory coat)
Doctor Tenma: Mister Flinch?  You made an appointment, right?
Flinch: Yes.  I was hoping we could speak confidentially.
Tenma: My office is always open.  (Leads Flinch inside, closes door)
Flinch: Lately, we've had rumours that the vigilante known as Code Name "P" is planning to take advantage of the ensuing confusion regarding the upcoming election.
Tenma: (Looks a little lost)  Unless it has to do with something medical, I'm not quite sure how I can help.
Flinch: There is.  You have access to a certain illegal drug in your possession.  A controlled substance, under article C2oh25-N3O, I believe.
Tenma: (Blank look)  What are you talking about??
Flinch: There's no use hiding it.  We've known about your operation for quite some time.
Tenma: (Looks warily at the door, seeking an escape route)
Flinch: Don't worry.  I'm not seeking a conviction.  I'm semi-retired, so officially, I'm not here.  I'm far more interested in a controlled substance that I used to partake.
Tenma: You??  I find that hard to believe.
Flinch: (Inhales, exhales deeply into his hands) It's not exactly something I'm proud of.  You see, I used to be a much more high-profile detective, helping solve some of the most baffling cases.
Tenma: Baffling cases?... You don't mean to say that... you were L?

Flinch: No, I wasn't THAT good.  (Chuckles)  No, but I took some mental-boosting pills that increased my productivity.  Unfortunately, they had the side effect of cutting off my relationships.  I became too grossly invested in my work.  My wife left me, my colleagues could no longer tolerate my presence.  My arrogance began to overwhelm getting further cases assigned my direction.  Eventually, I weaned off the pills, but my reputation was never the same afterwards.
Tenma: (Confused) So, why come to me then?  Why take these pills at all?
Flinch: In order to get into "P"'s mentality, I need to indulge deeply into the deepest darkest recesses of my mind.  And my ability lately has been sorely lacking.  I've always been three steps short of him, never quite catching up.  I don't like resorting to this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tenma: (Picks pills from behind secret compartment)  This 'P' threat, it's pretty big, huh?  (Hands pills over)
Flinch: You have no idea.  (Contemplates pills in his hand)
Tenma:  You know, it's not too late.  You can still back out if you want to.
Flinch:  (Shakes head) I know I'm reaching.  Frankly speaking, I'm scared about what getting into his state of mind entails.  (Swallows pills)  But I'm more scared about what 'P' might do more.
Tenma: (Points towards door, hand on doorknob) Should I leave, or...?
Flinch: Stay.  I need somebody to keep watch over me.  I have no idea how I'll react, having been off for so long.  My relapse should -
(The detective stops short, his eyes bulging out.  He puts his hands on his head and starts convulsing, his whole body shaking wildly, alarming the doctor.  After several seconds of erratic movement, the seizures stop)
Tenma: (Tentatively moves within the drug-induced detective's line of sight)  ...Inspector Lynch?

(Detective Lynch removes his hands from his head in a relaxed manner, revealing the face of a smiling confident man with a cool lean predator-hungry look with razor-sharp eagle eyes constantly seeking justice)
Detective Lynch: "I am 'P'."

(The screen becomes warped and corrupted)
*Static plays*
(The Horizontal and Vertical warble)

(The face of a man wearing a smiling Pikachu mask appears on the screen)

P: Hello.  Sorry to interrupt during a pivotal moment, but I felt it was time I had a few choice words to say.
This speech is not aimed at the general populace, but at the higher rankings of so-called men in charge.

At this current rate, your party is collapsing faster than I could possibly hope to implement.

Really, you have only yourselves to blame.

You've openly supported a man who for all intents and purposes, was a reprehensible human being.  All the proof was there for everyone with a lick of common sense to see.

The only reason you started backing him up was because he gained the popular vote with the same poisonous methodology you've used over the years to appeal to your voting base.  The problem with using such a technique for so long - somebody was bound to corrupt and override the formula down to its most basic elements for maximum impact.

And what has he done since?

• Insisted on a media blackout, just because he didn't like any criticism aimed at him.
• Called for defaulting the loans to Foreign powers he may be in debt to.
• Verbally assaulted the Muslim parents of a Gold Star soldier.
• Threw out a mother and crying baby out of one of his rallies.
• Accused the current term President of founding the very terrorist organizations he's been fighting against.
• Suggested the assassination of the opposing party's candidate.
• Openly revealed national secrets minutes after leaving Black Ops briefing rooms.

Furthermore, his default first response to any perceived threat is to go straight to the nukes.  And ALSO thinks that more countries should have nuclear weapons.

ANY other politician would long have apologized for their misgivings, hoped he'd be forgiven for their slights and move on.  Not him.  When met with anything resembling resistance - not even defiance - he digs in his heels and further digging in his roots for the hills he's willing to die on.  For all your hopes that he'd change his tune once sworn in as candidate, he decided to stick to the formula he knows best, since it worked this far.
This is a man who openly admits to refuse to change.

All these warning signals should have scared you off.  It didn't.  Experience should've shown you that unscrupulous businessmen make lousy politicians.  Your last Presidential Candidate should have shown you that.  It didn't.  Maybe now, you'd learn your lesson, but experience has taught me not to rely on wishful thinking.

Your ceiling of quality, once so high and lofty has fallen so low that it now more closely resembles a cellar floor.  And yet, you continue to follow behind him, while openly resisting any serious backing.  Which is it? You can't have it both ways forever.  Sooner or later, you're going to have to make a decision.

The ONE politician who made no move to endorse him, and appealed others to "vote their conscience" was booed off the stage for displaying disloyalty within the party.  Strange that voting our conscience is considered reprehensible.  At what point does despicable actions become acceptable behavior?

This is what comes out of letting your greed dictate your political terms.  We're at the point where a corporation is considered to be a person, but people are considered property.  You've made emotional arguments that have nothing to do with policy, and scared your voters beyond reasonable margins using anti-intellectual stances.  Annoying know-it-alls were just getting in the way with their factoids.  Well, here's one for you:

I have heard grumblings of the overwhelming dissatisfaction of the incompetence of the authorities in being unable to apprehend me, on the basis that "I'm only ONE man!"  Well, let me turn that back on you.  You only had to stop ONE man from rising as high into power as he did.  What's YOUR excuse?

And now, back to our regular feature, currently in progress.

(Brief flicker of snowy static)

(Interior of the Doctor's office is a shambles)

Flinch: (Looks around, confused.  Is surprised to find himself naked)  What happened?  I didn't hurt you, did I?
Tenma: (Shaking) No, you just did some bizarre pantomime actions, roleplaying multiple theoretical scenarios using my office supplies, before stopping and writing something down before collapsing.
Flinch: What'd I write?
Tenma: (Tentatively hands piece of paper over)
Flinch: (Reads page)

Page: It's already too late.  "P" doesn't need to do anything at this point.

One Punch Man Vs...

Part 1 here.
Part 2 here.

(The setting is in a field far from the Assassination school, where Saitama and Squirrel Girl are lazing around)

Saitama: There's no real reason for you being here.  Why'd you come?
Squirrel Girl: Are you kidding?  I'm interested in seeing what lousy excuse the teacher's gonna give for not exercising. (Throws peanuts in her mouth like they were popcorn)
Saitama: You never know.  He might've actually decided to try harder this time.
Squirrel Girl: Your unwavering optimism is admirable.
Saitama: I'm just glad you're not taking up resident in my apartment.  I've got too many freeloaders already.
(Looks in a general direction where a bright circle is unsuccessfully trying to camouflage itself)
Saitama: Get out behind that tree.  You're not fooling anyone.
(Koro-Sensei reluctantly moves closer to the field, looking more worried than usual)
Saitama: Well, you know the conditions.  Are you prepared?
Koro-Sensei: I think... I might've made a mistake in choosing your opponent.
Squirrel Girl: Hah!  I knew it!
Saitama: So, you skipped your homework again?  I can't say I'm not disappointed.
Koro-Sensei: I can't throw a punch to save my life!  And I really want to keep my life, you know.  I looked all over, trying to find someone else who'd be more of a match for you, but none came up.  Kenshiro... Jojo... Zaraki...Vegeta... Mr. Satan... they all declined for one reason or another...  Then I started looking further, and came across some hardcore supernatural fighters who might be in your weight class.

Koro-Sensei: So, you're the God of Fighting, huh?  And you're feeling kinda bored, looking for a good fight?
Beerus: That's right.
Koro-Sensei: Well, let me tell you...
Beerus: Nope.
Koro-Sensei: I haven't even started yet!
Beerus: You were going to offer me an opponent worthy of my attention.  Sorry, but I'm currently occupied in reigniting the popularity of a beloved franchise.  Besides, he's only the SECOND man I've dared glanced at that made me weak at the stomach and knees.
Koro-Sensei: The second??  Who was the first?
Beerus: I heavily advise against it.  You don't want to be anywhere near him.
Koro-Sensei: It's not for me, it's for... a friend!
Beerus: You must really hate your friend.
Koro-Sensei: Trust me, this guy's desperate for a fight that'll make him feel something.
Beerus: Well, if abject terror is what he's looking for, then he's right up your alley.  (Hands over card)  Here's his address, but I seriously recommend against it.  (Looks worried)  If he asks, don't use my name.

Koro-Sensei: After a short flight, it didn't take long to set up a meeting with the mystery man, and he certainly lived up to the hype.  I wore my trademark disguise and told him of a monster that'd been tearing up the populace, and he started convulsing with sadistic glee.  At this point, I was beginning to regret not taking Beerus' advice -
Saitama: Yeah, yeah.  That's nice and all, but I still don't see anybody here yet.  You talk too much.
Koro-Sensei: That's because in addition to being overwhelmingly powerful, he's somewhat of an eccentric.  He only agreed to come here if he could make a flashy appearance.  First, he had barbed wire wrapped all around his body... Then rubber tires were stacked, surrounding him... then rubber quick-drying cement was poured through the cracks... as he was encased in a 10-inch steel container.  Now, he's currently being dropped out of a high-flying airplane... without a parachute.  (Puts hand above eyes to protect glare) In fact, I think that's him coming down now.
(Upon plummet, said 10-inch steel container is twisting around, devouring itself from the inside)
Squirrel Girl: You got the Tasmanian Devil?
Koro-Sensei: I WISH.  If Bugs Bunny could handle him, ANYBODY could handle him.  However, I don't think anybody can handle this guy...
(Upon impact, the container bursts into pieces, and a silhouette shredding the barbed wire like toilet paper)
(An intimidating figure comes out of the wreckage, radiating an aura so intense it warps the background)

(Squirrel Girl reaches into her pocket to find a card that suddenly appeared in her inventory)

Deadpool's card guide to Super Villains: Yujiro Hanma - Father of "Grappler" Baki Hanma

• If you're ever feeling tempted to fight this guy, don't.  (That means YOU, Squirrel Girl)
• This is not an instance of reverse-psychology.  Only go up against him if you want to experience having your fighting pride emasculated and made fun of.
• And this is coming from someone who teases The Hulk on a regular basis.
• This is a man who devotes every second of every day totally focused on fighting.
• He lives for nothing more than finding worthy opponents he can crush underneath his heel.
• Black Belt Martial artists have broken their bones just from hitting him in the face.
• TaskMaster tried to mimic Yujiro's punching power, and wound up fracturing his arm in three different places.
• In addition, he's extremely egotistical, and refuses to be chauffeured around by anyone of lower status than the President of the United States.

Squirrel Girl:  You're in luck!  This guy looks pretty tough!  He inspired the character Akuma from Street Fighter.
Yujiro: Akuma??  Pfft.  They had to really nerf him down to make him remotely beatable.  Even Shin Cyber-Akuma is nowhere near my level.
Saitama: I've never been able to beat that guy.  I'm always amazed when seeing someone win against him.
Yujiro: So, I heard that there was a magnificent monster found lurching among this mountaintop.  (Leans and smiles right in front of Koro-Sensei's face)  Anybody seen it?!?
(Koro-Sensei's eyes are unfocused, darting everywhere, some tentacles pointing towards himself, some towards Squirrel Girl, some at Saitama, some at Yujiro)
Yujiro: The spokesman had a round head with a nose that kept falling off.  It couldn't possibly be this octopus-like creature could it?  Talk about slow.  I can't believe a whole country is held hostage by such a weakling who couldn't punch its way out of a paper bag!  (Takes a bite out of a broken-off Koro-Sensei tentacle)
Koro-Sensei: (Looks at his cleanly-broken-off stump)  When did you-?
Yujiro: Yuck!  You taste awful!!  Ptoo!!
Saitama: Yeah, you have to boil his limbs a long time to kill the taste.
Yujiro: (Ignoring Saitama)  So, what's this??  You're trying to teach children how to kill??  How cute.  This country's certainly gone to the dogs if they're reduced to using weapons instead of their bare hands.
Koro-Sensei: (Standing up for himself and his students) Hey, don't insult -
Yujiro: A REAL man settles all their accounts with their fists!  People who devised rocks as tools depended on them... then hammers... axes... spears... blades... bows and arrows... guns... cannons... bombs... the further they developed these extensions of themselves... the further they deviated away from their true power.  Tools are short-cuts that have allowed man to forget the inner strength they hold.

Saitama: And you have that kind of long-lost strength?
Yujiro: Precisely!  That's because I follow a strict regime that I never deviate from:


Yujiro: Of course, that's only appropriate for a macho prodigy like me.  If some random schlub attempted to do even one-tenth of what I've mastered over the years, they would be overwhelmed by the pain, because chances are, they'd be doing it wrong.  Anybody who'd stick to that schedule would be an idiot of monumental proportions.
(Saitama embarrassingly averts his gaze)
Yujiro: I couldn't even fathom what such an exercise would do to a human body.  In my case, I trained so hard, my hair turned blood red.
(Saitama looks even more embarrassed and despondent)
Squirrel Girl: Waitaminute. (does mental math) That's the distance of two-and-a-half marathons a day!  That's physically impossible.
Yujiro: For normal peons, sure.  But there's a trick to it.  Are you aware of how computer monitors are able to save energy?
Squirrel Girl: Uh?  Well, there's screensavers, and ever-advancing cheaper microchips, right?
Yujiro: Sure, but there's more to it.  Back when Steve Jobs was figuring out how to lower costs... for the Apple II... by eliminating noisy fans... Rod Holt found out energy could be saved... by having the screen flicker... multiple times... in a fraction of a second... faster than the human eye could conceive.  By that very same principle... just as computer monitors use rapid blinking to save on power... I exert my body... to move my legs constantly... in a fraction of a second... to the point where they're always moving... while seemingly standing perfectly still.
Squirrel Girl: That's a very weirdly specific way to reveal obscure trivia.  And I don't think exercise works that way.
Yujiro: Shows what you know.  While scouring the globe looking for ever-stronger opponents... and legendary creatures... I spend my free time by going all Rambo in war zones... barehanded... Breaking into heavily guarded panic rooms... Threatening the heads of state... Gatecrashing Underground Tournaments... and the Olympics... Breaking Guinness world records... In my spare time... I attempt Chuck Norris memes.  It's SO great being all-powerful.  I don't see how anybody could ever get bored.

Saitama: You still haven't found anybody worth sparring, right?
Yujiro: Is it that obvious?  Let me tell you - picking a fight with me is the equivalent of declaring war on a Nuclear Country.  For some reason, everybody's too scared to make the first move, so I have to keep provoking them until I get a reaction... which doesn't last long after my first hit.

Yujiro: What's with that cheap-ass costume you're wearing, anyways?  You look like you've wandered off from a crowd-pleasing carnival play.
Squirrel Girl: Not to disparage you, but he's a Super Hero, and so am I.
Yujiro: (Disappointed sigh)  A Superhero?  You're little more than glorified wrestlers with Soap Opera elements.  Sure, you may want to engage in national emergencies in the real world to feel relevant, but for the most part, you're more interested in beating up other people in costumes than anything else.  Admit it - if I dressed up in fancy garbs, you wouldn't think twice of going up against me.
Saitama: I'd still want to hit you, even if you weren't.
Yujiro: Now, if I were ever given a Hero title, it would be along the lines of Captain General Admiral Commander CurbStomp, given how easily I crush my foes.
Saitama: That's a little long-winded isn't it?
Yujiro: Something catchier then?  Okay, since I enjoy using my limbs so much, you could call me One-Kick Man.
Saitama: That sounds... almost, but not quite right for some reason I can't quite pin down.
Yujiro: You don't seem convinced of my physical superiority, so I'll prove it to you.  I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
Squirrel Girl: Uh... do you know who you're talking to???
Yujiro: Yeah.  Some average guy.
Saitama: (Shrugs)  Alright, if you insist...  (Winds up arm)
Yujiro: No, NO, NO!  Don't you even know how to throw a punch?!  Here, let me show you.

 


Yujiro: (Grabs Saitama's hand) Just bunch your fingers into a fist (thumb outside last), then tuck your arm backwards to gather up all your strength, so you can lurch your momentum forwards into one piercing blow that'll blow away your opponent with one shot!

Squirrel Girl: Um... I think he already knows more than enough about punching...
Yujiro: This won't do at all.  Your form's too amateurish.  We're going to have to amp up your game to get any decent damage.  (Points to Koro-Sensei)  YOU.  Come here.
(Koro-Sensei nervously obliges)
Yujiro: You can move pretty fast, can't you?  I want you to carry this man around the stratosphere several times.  When you return via re-entry, you should be burning enough centrifugal force to rend flesh and bone.  But that's not enough - you should also be spinning counter-clockwise for maximum damage.
(Yujiro digs a small circle in the grassy ground around his feet)
Yujiro: By the time you land from orbit back at this very spot, you'll have gained enough Mach speed to MAYBE present enough of a challenge against me.
Koro-Sensei: And what if I refuse to comply with your demand?
Yujiro: Then I'll hunt you down to the ends of the Earth.
(Koro-Sensei attempts to run away, but Yujiro keeps getting in front of him)
Yujiro: Forget it.  Even if you move to another continent, I'll just cut the Earth in half, and throw that half into the sun.  Then I'll move onto the next half, until there's no more halves to hide from.
Koro-Sensei: You - you're bluffing!
Yujiro: Am I?  I'd sooner destroy the Earth with my bare hands before you do it yourself.  You're talking to someone who stopped an Earthquake just by punching the ground.

Koro-Sensei: (Turns to Saitama)  I'm sorry, but it looks like we'll have to team up in order for him to fight you.
Saitama: I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this.
(The two of them zoom off into the atmosphere)
Yujiro: And now, we play the waiting game.
Squirrel Girl: (Tiptoes up behind Yujiro) You may act all aggressive, but I know your type.  You're a macho macho man.  You guys were very popular in the 90's, posturing around with your heavy guns and grimacing faces.
Yujiro: This isn't a grimace - this is a SMILE.  A welcoming smile to intimidate opponents and reassure small children.

Squirrel Girl: If that's a smile, I'd hate to see your frown.  While we're waiting for them to come back, how about you spar with me?
Yujiro: Sorry, I don't fight women.  They're too soft and fleshy, and not worth my time.

Squirrel Girl: Oh, NOW you're just asking for it!  (Thinks) "Sorry Deadpool, but I can't take that remark lying down."
(Squirrel Girl attempts several punches and kicks upon Yujiro's person, who barely notices)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, time to amp my game up!  (Chitters, summoning thousands of squirrels from all over)
Yujiro: (Notices the ground covered with furry little creatures) I usually fight animals more than twice my size.  Handling smaller creatures is beneath my notice.  But I'll play along.
(Inhales deeply) (Screams a high pitched yell that has all the nearby squirrels scrambling wildly) (Only a few dozen brave squirrels are still remaining)
Yujiro: That was the mating call of the dreaded cannibal squirrel-eater - a squirrel that eats other squirrels.
Squirrel Girl: (Visibly shaken, but still standing) No - no problem.  I can still manage with a handicap!
Yujiro: If you're still going against me, you'd better take these.  (Hands over a bunch of dangerous-looking weapons)
Squirrel Girl: What was all that tirade you went on about not depending on weapons for tools?  And where were you hiding all these?
Yujiro: (Looking away) That octopus teacher is more scared of me than I thought.  He's been throwing dozens of various objects my way at my blind spots in the vain hope that he might catch me off guard.  So far, all I'm getting is my hands loaded with dead weight.  Careful with that - that's an unexploded grenade.
(Squirrel Girl's eyes bulge out) (A squirrel hands over a piece of wire for Squirrel Girl to defuse the bomb)
(When Squirrel Girl looks up, she's surprised to see Yujiro carrying a cruise missile with the rocket engine still running)
Yujiro: Hmpf.  He's getting desperate.  (Scratches the words "STOP STALLING" on the missile's side and throws it heavenwards where it's intercepted by Koro-Sensei's flight path)

Saitama: (Reads the rocket message) Better do what he says.  I've been trying to tell you not to bother, and leave him to me.
Koro-Sensei: But that guy scares me more than you can possibly imagine!
Saitama: Rather than focus on him, you should've focused on fighting me.
Koro-Sensei: You mean after this, you still want to fight me???
Saitama: If you'd spent as much time avoiding your homework as you did on doing your homework...
Koro-Sensei: Don't lecture me about responsibility!

Yujiro: (Looks up) Hmmm!  He's doing better than I thought!  (Raises his arms and flexes until his shirt rips, exposing his bare chest)
(Squirrel Girl's Deadpool card beeps with new information)

• When he contorts the face of the demon on his back, that's when he's getting serious!  RUN AWAY.

(Saitama is entering the atmosphere with incredible velocity, catching fire, while still retaining his composure, looking slightly bored)
(Koro-Sensei is looking utterly terrified)
(Yujiro is still smiling maniacally, standing still on the field)
(The impact creates a fountain of dirt and dust spreading everywhere)

Report account of events from Squirrel Girl later:

Squirrel Girl: How would I describe Yujiro Hanma?  Well... how do I put it?  He's a cheater.  There's really no other way to describe him, really.  No, I'm not going to stay silent!  Don't act so nervous!  You're going to hear what I have to say, whether you like it or not!
Interviewer:  (Resignedly) It's your funeral...
Squirrel Girl: When the octopus teacher with Saitama clashed with the Rictus Grin fighter, there was a massive burst, as if somebody set off a dozen charges of explosives underneath for dramatic effect.  On first sight, it looked like both parties disintegrated upon impact.  But the reality of what actually happened was stupider than you'd think.

(Squirrel Girl is carrying several squirrels who are fanning away the excessive dust with their tails)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, anybody still moving?  I know that explosion didn't hurt anybody.
(The dust clears to reveal Koro-Saitama with his fist buried in the Earth, while Yujiro stands several meters away)

Squirrel Girl: What are you doing all the way over there?  I thought you weren't going to move from that spot?
Yujiro: That's what I said. And I didn't - the Earth moved.
(Sees the patch of land Yujiro dug around with his foot)
Squirrel Girl: You kicked your spot away with your heel before Saitama landed?!  That's cheating!
Yujiro: Don't be such a sore loser.  And besides, you've read the situation wrong.  Before impact, I countered by striking a jab, while ALSO making a roundhouse blow.  But even countering that excessive force wasn't enough to keep the unsturdy patch of land firmly rooted to this spot.
Squirrel Girl: In other words, you hit them before they hit you.
Yujiro: Considering how fast they were going, it's a wonder I wasn't blown away further.

(Koro-Saitama pulls his arm out of the crater)
Yujiro: Well, now that we're all done getting warming up, let's move on to the main event.
(Yujiro rushes into Koro-Saitama's zone, executing and trading multiple blows that are easily parried and shrugged off)
Yujiro: Weak.  So weak.  It's amazing how unbelievably WEAK you are.
Squirrel Girl: (Looking puzzled)  I was evenly matched against Saitama while wearing the Koro-suit.  And Yujiro's keeping pace?  Something's not right here.
Yujiro: (turns to Squirrel Girl while still in the volley of trading punches, kicks and feints)  You seem to be misunderstanding something.  It's not that his punches have become stronger.  (Grabs hold of Koro-Sensi's head)  It's that this damned octopus is getting in the way!
Koro-Sensei: I am?
Yujiro: Rather than amplifying your techniques, you're actually Restraining Saitama's strength.  He's worried that if he tries any harder, he'll wind up unintentionally hurting you.
Koro-Sensei: Well, that's rather kind of -
Yujiro: As I said before, WEAK.  A REAL man wouldn't be concerned with surrounding himself with burdensome tools.  (Squeezes Koro-Sensei's head)  If you really want to help out, stand aside, and let this matter be settled between two men.
Koro-Sensei: Gladly!!  (Slips out of Yujiro's hand the instant he relaxes his grip)  Go ahead!  Fight to your heart's content!

Yujiro: (Smirks and raises his arms) Now that all annoying restraints have gotten out of the way, we can finally start fighting seriously!
Saitama: Sure, as soon as you start fighting seriously yourself.
Yujiro: Are you implying I've been holding myself back this whole time?
Saitama: I wouldn't be surprised, considering how mundane your previous opponents must've been.
Yujiro: (Snarling) Coming from anybody else, that'd be an insult.  Honestly, you're not as much fun as I'd hoped you'd be.  You're barely responsive!
Saitama: Yeah, I've been let down so many times from guys who claimed they were the strongest, and then turned out to be total crybabies.  You're not going to run away, are you?
Yujiro: I'm no battle junkie!  I can quit fighting anytime I want to!  I just don't want to.
(Yujiro launches an air-shattering punch which Saitama casually catches)
Saitama: You threw a punch.  That means -
(Yujiro follows up with a kick, using Saitama's clutch on his fist as leverage)
Saitama: (Looks unaffected) I wasn't finished -
Yujiro: (Continuing landing blows) The fight has now officially started!  No backing off now!
(Saitama throws a punch, which misses Yujiro, destroying the mountaintop in the process)
Yujiro: Not bad, but I could do better!  (Plunges his arm in a nearby stream, sending waves that ripple along the path, until they burst out throughout the mountaintop, showering the region in dirt)  Let's see you beat that!!
Saitama: Quit it.  The Earth isn't your opponent, I am.
Yujiro: (Pulls on the grass like it was a carpet, flipping Saitama upside down) Collateral Damage!
(Yujiro rushes in, attacking Saitama's backside, which is being blocked from behind)
Yujiro: For a self-taught fighter who's never been in a dirty fight, you're doing quite well!
Saitama: Thank you, that's quite the compliment.
Yujiro: (Spins upside down) But if it were me, I'd use every advantage at my disposal, like this!  (Kicks Saitama to the ground)
(Saitama recovers instantly, punching Yujiro's midair position... who just deftly lands on Saitama's fist)
Yujiro: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You're STILL holding back!  (Kick's Saitama's face to no effect)  Don't insult me by taking it easy on me!
Saitama: And I'm saying I haven't started fighting yet!

Koro-Sensei: (Yelling) You guys are both nuts!!
(The two of them pause briefly to look at Koro-Sensei)
Koro-Sensei: It's so easy for you to destroy something.  Creating something of worth is much harder.  Anybody can take a sledgehammer to their ideals.  The real masters are those who chisel their way into submission.  Sure, it'd take much longer to create a masterpiece in the process, but at least you'd have the sense of accomplishing something that'd test the strands of time.
Saitama: Well, that's that.  You win.
Koro-Sensei: What?   Really??? Just like that???
Saitama: I'd never be able to say something that poignant today.
Koro-Sensei: If I'd known I could've stopped you with simple philosophy, I would've talked long ago.
Saitama: Wouldn't matter.  You still talk too much.  So, are you still going to destroy the Earth?
Koro-Sensei: That depends on whether Yujiro'll do that first.
Saitama: Don't worry.  He's not gonna hunt down somebody he just admitted was too weak for his taste.
Koro-Sensei: What about you?
Saitama: He's strong, but I have no real reason to fight him.
(The two of them walk off, leaving Yujiro standing all alone, looking perplexed)

Yujiro: Is he kidding?  Does he think destroying the human body with your bare hands is EASY??  Do you have any idea how long it took me to be able to effortlessly curb-stomp anyone into submission? (Turns to Squirrel Girl) I'm gonna relieve my stress by taking it out on you!
Squirrel Girl: Sorry, but I don't like the idea of being sloppy seconds.  You can tell everybody that you fought against the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl to a draw.  Nobody would ever have to know the truth.
Yujiro: But *I* would know that!!!
Squirrel Girl: Tough nuts.
Yujiro: Well, who's going to suffer my wrath then?!
Squirrel Girl: (Looks at her watch) Just wait five more seconds.
Yujiro: Five...?
(An explosion of dirt erupts nearby, sending dirt and trees flying everywhere)
(Within the debris arises a bulky pale creature with tightly stitched seams all over its body, atop a crimson curved head)
Muscularly Bulky Creature: For too long, my brethren have been mercilessly pounded upon without remorse!  I am Punching Bag Man!  But now, I'll exact righteous vengeance upon the foolish creatures that've relentlessly pounded upon my people!  And it's all thanks to this foolish squirrel who chewed away the seals surrounding my prison!
Yujiro: (Stares with bloodlust in his eyes) YOU'LL DO.
(Squirrel Girl casually watches the ensuing carnage while eating peanuts like popcorn)

The Hamsters in the Walls

It was another normal night at the Newman household, when a seemingly benign proposal was made.

After much pleading and convincing, the Newman children eventually received an advance on their inheritance.

The kids were thrilled to have a new pet to play with, until they were suddenly faced with the harsh truth of reality.

Concessions were made, and the siblings enjoyed their adequate replacements, but couldn't help but immediately fall into barbed rivalry.

No sooner were their acquisitions acquired did the children lose their property again, and then deflected all blame onto the absent party. 

 Search parties looking for the missing pets were met with unfavorable results.

Further examination of the bodies revealed that they were decoys designed to throw the trackers off track, and were unhelpfully deployed by so-called benefactors wanting to be useful.

Empty mass graves were erected to placate the emotions of the grieving party, and to commemorate those who had died for so little.

With so much unwelcome failures, the head of the Newman household authoritatively decided to put a stop to the unproductive results of supply and demand.

With no more troublesome pets running around, the heads of the Newman household figured their troubles were over, but their days of terror had just begun.

The restless hamsters in the walls were implacable, and would not cease to rest until the dawn of the new morn.

Outside parties loathed the long-standing household for bringing back painful memories regarding flesh-searing pain.

Hours and minutes, days and nights began to blur together with no variation or indication of how much time had progressed between periods of awareness.

Restless nights without relief inevitably brought increasing methods of desperation, driving the home owner to previously unknown levels of insanity.

Knowing that there were hamsters in the walls was unbearable, but not knowing how long they would remain there was worse.

Attempts and traps were made to lure the animals out of hiding, only to have the elusive rodents relocate to another floor.

The horror was only multiplied when it was slowly revealed that the hamsters in the walls were reproducing as well, and the household owners were held responsible.

Unending days of burrowing sounds were temporarily relieved when the ceaseless noises abruptly... stopped.

With much reluctance, it was decided the internal conflict could be avoided no longer, and an abrupt hasty excavation was deemed necessary to relieve the unbearable tension.

After much exploration within the unusually vast caverns, eventually, an opening was found which reluctantly revealed the source of the maddening scratching.

The lasting impressions and traumatic experiences of the sole survivor hunched over countless bodies relayed a story that would be considered unbelievable.

EDIT - if you thought this was the end of this little escapade, there's still a brief epilogue of things yet to come...