Weird Romance - Lyle Lion's Girls

One of the problems with exploring age-old properties is that oftentimes they display problematic morals values dissonance that doesn't play right with a world that's mostly moved on.  It can be the unfairly racist caricatures of background characters.  It can be the usage of unfortunate obscure slang that had different meaning back then.  And it can be the portrayal of relations regarding women.

In this age of #MeToo of women calling out their sexual abuse at the hands of men in positions of power that they were helpless to refuse, such Woody Allen types are no longer in vogue.  Particularly the persistent type that feels entitled to have the object of their desire accept their unwanted advances, having been spoiled by the likes of Steve Urkel who expect their crushes to fall all over their rightful obsessions.

When Animal Crackers started out, it wasn't exactly breaking new ground, but playing on the same tried and true conventions of typical Newspaper comics that would define what little quality it had.

Basically furthering the notion that women were little more than the ultimate trophy prize to reward them for all their struggle they'd work so hard for.  Also supporting the myth that these women lusting after these jerky athletes are only looking at the surface, and not appreciating the obvious future catch of these unappreciated nerds with their sensitivity underneath.  Nevermind the sheer hypocrisy of their ignoring anyone who'd like them for what they are.  "I deserve the hot one!"


Clearly, this could be avoided by just listening to the women in the first place instead of unsuccessfully mindreading what their thoughts and needs are through reductionist media.  But that takes effort, and who has the time?

This is the first appearance of Lyle's rival, Lance L. Lion, who's just three letters removed from being as egotistical as J. Jonah Jameson, and one letter too long for being a Superman background character.

The dominance of a Lion over his tribe is constantly threatened by the younger generation, so the elder will wean out the competition by indiscreetly murdering the babies of the last parent who was in charge.  Nowadays, we are a more civilized nation, but I'm sure we can all agree that Lance could've used some natural selection of his own.

Most cartoon characters have the dint of having some sort of appeal, but Lance has no redeeming qualities.  He's a one-note character, and not even a good one.

He puts down Lyle at every opportunity, emasculating him at every turn.  He shows no respect for women, save that they're available for easy dates.  He's constantly smoking cigars and wears gold chains.

If you recall, the tally for the number of times Lyle unsuccessfully asked Lana out was a mere 493 times.  However, this appeared in 1981, while the former Sunday comic strip appeared in 1983, so the number actually went down for anybody paying attention.

Right off on being told that his competition is horning in on his inaction, Lyle starts tailing the couple clear out in the open.  Stealth check failed.

After multiple failed attempts to stalk Lana's date, Rog Bollen apparently felt bored or sorry enough to throw the hapless underdog Lion a bone his direction with a whole new spontaneous love interest.

Normally, in these situations, the male is easily too intimidated in the presence of a Maniac Pixie Girl who can be overwhelming and overbearing.  However, Lyle sees no problem in getting free and easy praise where he normally found none.

Considering how affectionate Lisa is towards Lyle, there's no reason for him to ever want to go back, so why would he ever want to go out with Lana ever again?  He's probably doing it out of the kindness of his heart, so she won't wonder what happened to him.

If Lyle's intent was to make Lana jealous, then mission accomplished.

So what does a spurned girl do?  Engage in passive-aggressive gossip and become insufferable to the environment around them.  That's what all women do, right?

And deny that anything is wrong with them.

"I demand that Lyle ask me out three more times!  My OCD demands it!"

After enough self-pitying from the rather unsympathetic Lana, we finally get some screentime with Lyle and his new hottie.

... for about one day before shifting attention elsewhere.

Our first hint that there might be trouble in paradise.  Even though Lyle is perfectly content, Lance simply can't help digging his grubby paws in every openly willing female available.  And then the scene suddenly shifts back to Lana, as if her moping hadn't been played out enough already.

Strangely enough, there's a whole three weeks before the story decides to come back to Lance finding a sudden interest in Lyle's new girlfriend.  The above strip was in August 29, and the bottom is September 18.

Surprisingly enough, throughout all this, even though this is Lyle's big moment, we hardly ever see much interaction between him and Lisa.  Well, we'd better rectify that situation right now!

In case it's not entirely clear above, Lyle's arm is stiff from putting his arm over Lisa's back/shoulder for such a long time, hence the 'stars' of pain in the last panel.

And then the two spotlight stealers wind up meeting each other from clear across the blank expanse.  It's not even done with the intent of making his ex-unGirlfriend jealous - they just happen to be in the same vicinity.  That's the problem with having a Maniac Pixie Girlfriend - they're particularly fickle and prone to listening to their compulsive instincts.  One possible interpretation is that Lana did this on purpose, but here expression says otherwise, as if she's realizing she may have made a horrible horrible mistake.

 So things revert back to the ol' status quo, just as intended all along.  This is the longest Animal Crackers storyline ever, and it's mainly regulated to keeping sex symbols in their rightful state.  Some comics simply aren't worth the paper they were printed on.

Influences upon THEY

It's been awhile since my last update, but I managed to add some more chapters to my current alternate project, This is THEY.  The link I gave for the 1st chapter was somewhat bugged, so here's the correct address:

Some of the references and influences may seem obvious to devoted readers of Newspaper Comics and Cult Movies, but there's a few lines I stole - sorry, plagiarized - I mean, borrowed to bolster my story.  The best way to ensure that your inspirations aren't easily traced is to use sources that are likely to be forgotten ages ago.  And here I am showing my secrets to everyone.

The current arc, Sweet Sick Teen, (and yes, all planned future titles are intended puns) devotes attention on a surprise pregnancy on a teenager known only as "The Girl", whose appearance is left deliberately vague.  Her sudden condition has an unintended side effect of emanating an unbearable fishy smell, which she can't stand, but neither can anybody else.  One classmate even remarks, “Did somebody hide garlic squid with mango and banana in the ceiling again?”, which is a nod-out to Gordon Korman's The Twinkie Squad.

Later, when the Girl is forced to go to the Doctor for a diagnosis, this exchange occurs:

“You can’t leave just yet.  Not until the Doctor’s gotten a good look at you.”
“But you’ve already done all the prodding and testing and whatnot.”
“It’s bad form to leave without a second opinion.”
“Meaning... that there’s a fair chance that I MIGHT not be pregnant?”, she said with a smidgen of hope.
“Oh, you’re preggers for sure, no doubt about that.  Just wait a few minutes.  The Doctor should be along shortly.”

(...)

She’d barely had time to cross her arms and roll her eyes at the unresponsive blank screen before the Clinic door opened.  A man wearing a surgical mask came in out of breath, either from running, or from the Girl’s scent.  He drew closer at the Girl, took a furtive look, poked her stomach with a solitary finger, then through a strangled voice, said, “Yeah, she’s pregnant alright.”  Then ran out the door with nary another word.

“There we go.  You can go home now.”

Later, the Girl finds out to her displeasure that she can't simply abort the baby without running into potential trouble.  It's not so much the forced pregnancy that bugs her, but having to live with the smell.  So she decides to take care of it by going someplace that'll definitely take care of this little problem - the fabled City of Lies, where untruths spoken often enough become true.

Fun fact - the three obstacles set up before the Girl's entrance into the City of Lies weren't included in my first draft.  The first obstacle, the Gravity Wells was originally intended to be used to show her way to school, but I felt that would wind up slowing the opening down too much, and didn't want to waste it, so I relocated it elsewhere.  The 2nd obstacle - Memory Bane, is a combination of all the short-term memory losses into one.  Along the way, she encounters a Tattooed Man with elaborate designs that's a cross between Memento and Prison Break.  An early encounter with getting a crowd of curious followers to stop following her brings the following dialogue:

“Crowd can look intimidating at first, but they’re remarkably easy to control.  They all want someone to tell them what to do.”  Then he spoke up in a booming voice.  “Alright, listen up!  Put your right finger in your right ear!”
“NOW WHAT??” the crowd roared back in unison.
“Put your left finger in your left ear!”
“NOW WHAT??”
“Stand on one leg!”
“WHAT??”  The crowd asked.  “WHAT?  WHAT??”
“There, that’ll hold them for awhile.”
“Aw, I wanted to have a crowd do my bidding.”
“You wouldn’t have been able to handle it.”
“What, you don’t think I’m capable?  I’m sure I could do it.”
“I’ve seen it happen before - overconfident leaders who think they can rule a crowd, only to have the crowd overwhelm their ability to control it.”
“And what makes you think I wasn’t good enough??”
“If you truly were worthy, you wouldn’t have lost your train of thought in the first place.”

She had nothing to say to that.  The only retort she could think up was, “I blame you.”

If nothing else, I can hardly be faulted for wanting to use universal truths.

While in the midst of Memory Bane, people can only recall at least three pieces of information at a time.  While the obvious influence would be Memento, the major source of inspiration was the 6th storyline of  Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Stone Ocean, Jail House Lock!  Which, in turn, was inspired by Memento.  Go figure.

What I intend to do with my story is to influence new ways of thinking.  (There are very few narratives that are voiced in the Second Person)  And the best way to do so is by telling a story, and letting audiences figure it out themselves.  While in Memory Bane, there are little details that upon a second reading, make more sense.  I tried my best to sprinkle copious amounts of clues throughout, but worried that in my haste to clarify things, I might've dumbed down the material, or put off the reveal for too long.  (No, I'm not going to tell you what it is, read for yourself)

Six Months of Trump, and Feeling Sick Already

Remember the good old days when we looked back and laughed at the GOP's insistent commitment to connecting Hillary to anything relating to the emails, despite the constant lack of evidence, convinced that she would be convicted.

Any

Day

Now?

Now, we're spending our free time refreshing our Newsfeeds with every latest reveal of the Trump scandals, which only continue to grow larger over time, with new tidbits added every day, and we're all convinced that he's gonna be Impeached, Driven out, drag the GOP party down with him, and be convicted

Any

Day

Now.

LEET Hacking.

One of these compulsive note-takers, Amy Siskind, recently made the Washington Post, for covering the sheer amount of bizarre news that are increasingly being cast as Normalizing alarming Dictatorial behavior.  This is important, since history is literally being written and re-written before our very eyes, and the populace has a Goldfish memory.  Even Journalists are having a hard time keeping track of remembering the sheer amount of verbal barrage spewed out on a regular basis.  (Usually in accordance to cover other unpleasant orders, such as implementing a revived Travel Ban or 
suggesting repealing ObamaCare)  As such, it's not hard for a certain event fatigue to set in, especially since very little action seems to taking place to offset the sheer amount of scandals that occur on a daily basis.

Daily??  Try Hourly.

And this was after his previously rejected revised travel ban targeted the same countries.

"Okay, instead of rejecting refugees from Iran, Iraq, Syria, Yemen, Somalia, Sudan and Libya, we'll target Libya, Sudan, Somalia, Yemen, Syria, Iraq and Iran. Happy?"

All of this being the result of a large portion of his adoring fans (and the American public) who think that voting President of the US is along the same lines of voting for Class President.

"Can you impeach an incompetent President? Asking for a friend."

Most of them being unhappy with current events, and not wanting to share their hard-earned taxes with lesser people who they don't feel are worthy of their money.

Just look at that trusting smile.

"I like him, he'll be tough on crime. Now who does he give this Death Sentence to again?"
*Looks at list* "According to this, our hated minorities."
"Great!"
"Also, people in low-income areas."
"Even better!"
"That also includes people in mid-income and high income areas."
"Uh...... huh."
"As well as indigenous life forms including farm animals, city animals, household animals, wild animals, zoo animals, microscopic animals, and anything in between."
"Well, I suppose..."
"Not limited to or including all other forms of life on Earth."
"...but Blacks are definitely on the list?"
"Pretty much."
"...worth the trade-off. He's got my vote."

But even WaterGate - the first one - took a long time within the Nixon Administration to reach scandal proportions.  We all know of WaterGate from numerous movies, TV shows and Doonesbury references.  Though this is the first time that I've actually got some relevant context for understanding what WaterGate Meant.  A lot of the implications of a President obstructing Justice went completely over my head, since it was all before my time.

The first rule of success - do the exact opposite of everything Trump does.

To be fair, considering the length of time it takes to conduct a Criminal Investigation, THIS is considered speedy.

As usual, I've saved some of the best online comments I made regarding Trump's behavior in various newsfeeds for the past three months.  I don't have the time or energy to give concise summaries of everything, but the title/link should hopefully provide enough context:

Case Study in Chaos: How Management Experts Grade a Trump White House

On the plus side, Trump is doing every single instance on how NOT to run the White House. Too bad he has to use it as an actual Real-time experience, and not a thought experiment.
Worst Reality Show ever. (And yet, we can't stop watching)

Fake Nielsen ratings say Obama’s pre-Super Bowl interviews did better than Trump’s

Best comment: "Anyone who claimed a coloured man would be a terrible president was correct. They just got the wrong colour."
-A new poll from somewhere that I totally saw and read says he's the most beloved president in US history.
-So he created a Twitter poll, voted, then closed it before anyone else could vote?
-No. No. It was millions and millions of Americans. Millions. The most Americans of any poll ever taken. They all say he's the best president, period.
-1.5 million?
-Most of those votes were from illegals, and I'm willing to spend your money to prove it.

How would you rate President Trump’s first month in office?

The lowest rating is "Poor" because there's no "Very Poor" option. They probably consider being associated with the unRich an insult.

And yet, Trump keeps managing to hang on, even as his approval rating continues to plummet.

"But I'm still getting the highest ratings and search results, right?”
“Politics doesn't work that way."

Trump boasts of highest TV ratings since ‘the World Trade Center came down’

Is that really a comparison you want to make, Donnie? People aren't exactly clamoring for the collapse of the American Empire.

The Trump Wall is the new Maginot Line.

The Inside Story of Donald Trump's Comedy Central Roast is Everything you thought it would be

Relevant: Trump doesn't have much of a sense of humour. That would require a level of self-depreciation he's loath to apply to himself. Oftentimes when cracking jokes, he would look to nearby audiences to gauge whether it was funny or not.

The deadly Navy SEAL raid in Yemen last week had a secret target - an Al-Quaeda Leader... who they missed.  And said Leader taunted Trump for their wasted efforts.

"SEE?! We can't allow these Terrorists to keep making fun of and undermining the Presidency! We have to send in the Army the Navy, the Air Force, the Mercenaries, the Secret Agents, the MIB, the FIB - I mean the FBI, though FIB fits them well - the CIA, the MIA, the ACA, the Supreme Court, the Judicial Judge, the Attorney General and Girl Scouts at them! The Russians will help, of course, because they owe me a favor. Lots of favors. The BEST favors." 

Then there was the time that rumours that Trump had paid Russian Hookers to pee on the bed where President Obama used to sleep.  Rumours that Trump flatly denied, claiming that he was a germaphobe.  If he wanted to quash such frivolous lies, he could've said that he never paid any Prostitutes, which, given his credit history, is certainly more plausible.  On that day, the internet ran with memes over this so-called 'fake news' of Golden Showers, which was only fair play, given how much he kept talking about Obama's so-called Birth Certificate.

Pissant Peon.

Putin doesn't believe Trump met with Russian Prostitutes, whose resounding defense consisted of:

"Trump can hook up with some of the Hottest Beautifulest women on the planet, so there's no reason for him to hook up with Russian Hookers, who are some of the Hottest Beautifulest women on the planet."

Trump may not be popular at home, but the Russian Media sure loves him

And yet, Putin's annoyed that Donald's getting more publicity than him. Putin, not ALL publicity is good. 

Even Putin is showing signs of Voter's remorse.  They should've known - ALL of them should've known that when you deal with Trump, he lives by the adage of "Buyer Beware."

For Trump, a solitary start to life in the White House

How long before he starts stockpiling his urine, because the Russian Prostitutes can't be trusted on providing the genetic high quality stuff?

Trump Was Asked About Anti-Semitism. Here's How He Responded

"Mr. (...) 'President', there's been a level 9 Earthquake that's unleashed a Typhoon, leading to a Plane Crash, that caused an Earthquake and Tidal Wave, resulting in the loss of thousands of lives. Do you have any reassuring words to say to the Country?"
"We are very honored that we had 316 electoral college votes. We were not supposed to crack 220. You know that, right? There was no way to 221, but then they said there's no way to 270. And there's tremendous enthusiasm out there."
"I said REASSURING words."

This is pretty much Trump's philosophy:

"This is part & parcel of the "right man" syndrome, where one must obsessively be right at all times no matter what, because being wrong is supposedly betraying weakness. I suspect he lives in permanent terror that people will think he's weak... & the weak are the prey."

Watch This Craziness As Trump Floats What Would Happen If He Sunk Russian Spy Ship

*Sees explosions on TV*
"They're all complaining about my Russian ties. I'll threaten to blow up the Russian Ship! Everybody loves Explosions, right?"

McCain: Dictators 'get started by suppressing free press'

"I'm not a Dictator! Dictators are LOVED by the Media!"

White House reverses on Trump's golf game

"18 holes is a few holes!"

At this point in time, trying to parody Trump is like shooting bad apples in a barrel.  It's almost impossible to compete with the real thing.  Reality has become indistinguishable from what we've been making fun of.  Here's a hint - Don't bother trying to predict what Trump might do next. Just take the logical extreme of any mundane event to its logical conclusion via Reduction ad Absurdum.  Just remember, that at this point in time, Fox News was complaining that Obama was eating... Mustard.  It took much sooner to shame Trump for eating Steaks with Ketchup.

"Hah hah, yes. Eating Steaks with Ketchup is certainly laughable."
*Covertly deletes personal instagram of steak with ketchup splattered all over the plate*

And yes, I only put Mustard on my Hot Dog.  (Hides Ketchup & Relish)

Someone described Trump's actions as SpeedRunning the Nixon Administration.

I look forward to Expert Political Analysis over-analyzing Trump's meandering stream-of-consciousness train of thought.

Even though he clearly "won" the Election, Trump simply can't seem to get over it.

"I beat out all 16 Republican Challengers! And I had the highest Inauguration Crowd in History!"

Trump blasts media, anonymous sources _ after WH uses them

"Don't trust those untrustworthy nameless cowards who won't out themselves! Trust my totally reliable sources! Believe me!"

Pompeo jabs Conway on Obama's Microwave Surveillance Claim

"We ignore anybody making the ludicrous claim that we're spying them through their microwaves."
"The... 'President' just said Obama was - "
"As I said, we ignore such ignorant claims."

The Inside Story of the Kushner-Bannon Civil War

"I called a guy who knows a guy, who knows a guy, who knows some stuff about this kind of stuff."

Trump Probably Won’t Defy Midterm Gravity

"Next item on my Beautiful Agenda - Repealing the Law of Gravity."
"Do you understand the gravitas of - "
"Don't care. Doing it anyways."

ANY attempt for Trump to walk and talk at the same time would be akin to doing a Mensa test while also doing a Marathon. Just listen to his typical non-answers to simple questions, and consider trying to read between the lines of what he says, and what he means.

"Okay, so, the thing in North Korea, it's a Beautiful thing, and we need to - and this is the fact - we need to solve it, the missile - and I mean you - have to get the nuke - away from the ship - then, and this is the point - the Chinese have no rights, so let's pass it on to them."

Speaking of his tenuous relationship with North Korea...

North Korea openly defied Trump, even as their Missile tests failed, causing the two blowhards to rant at each other in a show of one-up manship.

"Do as I say, not as I do!"
"Make me."
"Make me make me."
"Make me make me make me."
"Make me make me make me make me."
"Make me make me make me make me make me... uh, I lost track."
"Come over here and say that."
"Make me."

The Orange Menace & the Lousy Haircut.
Can you tell the difference?

Aircraft Carrier Wasn’t Sailing to Deter North Korea, as U.S. Suggested
How Did the Trump Administration Lose an Aircraft Carrier?

"BWAHAHA! Tremble before the might of our mighty Military Force on Water!"
(whispers) "Navy."
"Before our mighty Navy Military Force! They're fearlessly infiltrating your Imperial Waters, splashing sand all over your Beach Babes!"
"Looks more like they're going in the opposite direction."
"Uh? What??"
"Seems like YOU'RE the ones retreating from our impressive Military presence."
(sputters) "Who'd want to fight such a slipshod Foreign force anyways?! I'll wait until you've got some REAL firepower!"

Then there was the time Trump congratulated Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte (admiring all Dictators as he does) for taking care of the drug problem.  (By killing suspects)

"I wish I could execute as many spreaders of FAKE NEWS as you do! Who probably use Drugs anyways! And are looking at my connections with the Russians! Which I don't have, even though they are wonderful wonderful people! Who've killed as many journalists as you have!"
A commenter said, "Dude just declared martial law today..." and I replied, "Is it scary I can't tell which one you're talking about??"

Ironically enough, on top of the list of Dictators he admires, is Kim Jong Un, ruler of North Korea:

"Kim Jong Un is a man I respect highly. And he's a threat to the world, because he's got his finger on the button. Even though his missiles keep falling in the ocean. No matter how much I provoke him by sailing my fleet away from him! So, what do you think of him?"
"I think he's just as smart as you."
"That's EXACTLY what I thought!!!"

Trump Weirdly Empathizes With Kim Jong-un, Who Also Inherited His Dictatorship at 27-Years-Old

The man who doesn't identify with Anybody, who didn't even like his children until they grew up, who has no Friends, identifies with the Dictator of North Korea, simply because he inherited his position through his Father.  His Role Model is the current Dictator of a Batshit-Insane Country.  Consider that.

The face looks familiar... but I can't place the face.

 Trump Abruptly Ends Interview After Wiretap Question

"Care to elaborate on your Wire-tapping claims - "
"Shhhh. There may be Paparazi lurkers whereabouts."
(Furiously Twitters innermost thoughts down)

Then there's the impressive history of Bob Mueller & James Comey, who are now both against Trump, having been badly burned by his infantile actions.

"I swear to Darwin, that bit in the hospital plays out more like a Tom Clancy novel than real life."
As is often the case, there is no way Clancy would have written it because it sounds too insane. White House counsel trying to get an ailing and drugged-up AG to sign off on clearly illegal acts and only stopped by a couple of FBI guys who show up running the very serious risk of an armed Secret Service/FBI showdown?
And THEN have those very same FBI agents involved with inspecting a corrupt inept unqualified President who is so cartoonishly evil that any sense of Suspension of Disbelief would've been tossed out the window at that point? No way it would've been accepted as a boilerplate thriller. It'd be placed in the Humour section.

Indeed, future generations (if there are any) are going to have a heck of a time understanding how such an infantile Manchild ever managed to get elected, let alone manage a series of failed businesses and STILL stay a Millionaire.  The closest comparison you could make for Trump would be Montana Max from Tiny Toons.

An email to employees at the Food and Drug Administration says the Trump administration ordered all television monitors to show only Fox News.

"So I won't be accused of watching CNN anymore!"

For whom the President Saves his Praises

WORSE: Trump identifying with Dictators and Andrew Jackson.
EVEN WORSE: A future President identifying with Trump.

Know the difference.  One of these men may be your next leader.

Americans Back Immigration and Trade at Record Levels

"WE DON'T WANT ANY DIRTY IMMIGRANTS TAKING OUR JERBS AWAY FROM US!"
(Three Months Later)
"WHERE ARE THE WONDERFUL FOREIGNERS WHO'LL DO OUR BACKBREAKING LABOR FOR US?!"

This would be like complaining about the Machines taking jobs away from people without considering the implications.

"ROBOTS ARE TAKING OUR JOBS! LET'S DECLARE WAR ON THEM!"
"Who's willing to dismantle them and do the jobs they're designed to do?"
"AWWWWWWW.... THAT SOUNDS LIKE TOO MUCH TROUBLE. CAN'T WE JUST HACK 'EM OR SUMPTING?"
"You could always fight them head-on."
"VERSUS TERMINATOR-STYLE ROBOTS?!"
"Well then, what do you propose?"
"HAVE ROBOTS TO FIGHT ROBOTS FOR US."
"And you've foreseen all the consequences of this action?"
"OF COURSE! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!"
(Five minutes later)
"THEY'VE TEAMED UP TOGETHER TO FIGHT AGAINST US. WHY DIDN'T YOU SEE THIS COMING?!"
"I tried to warn you."
"YOU DIDN'T DO IT HARD ENOUGH."
"On the plus side, you've got a job now."
"FIGHTING A WAR WASN'T PART OF MY JOB DESCRIPTION."

Trump Says Nafta Partners Persuaded Him to Keep U.S. in Trade Pact

"I WANT TO RENEGOTIATE NAFTA.
"Very well then. We'd like to have larger concessions on our - "
"I'VE CHANGED MY MIND."

And Milk & Lumber aren't even part of NAFTA in the first place.

Trump's Presidential Status Anxiety As the president nears his hundredth day in office, he seems increasingly concerned about how he’ll measure up.

"All my past complaining helped when I did them earlier! WHY ISN'T IT WORKING NOW?!"

 1 big thing: Trump, baffled and brooding

"Hmmm... my usual strategy of fostering chaos, distention and forced loyalty doesn't seem to be working like usual. This calls for a change in strategy. Start fostering MORE chaos, distention and forced loyalty than usual!"

GOP leaders want details before funding Trump’s border wall

"It should have my name logoed in Fifty-foot tall length and width, and also be visible from space."

Border Lawmakers Balk at Donald Trump’s Wall Request

"They'll change their mind, once the money starts rolling in! It's just land, right? They should just pack up and go somewhere else!"
"You moving into the White House anytime - "
"NEVER! That thing's a Tourist Trap for lesser beings!"

Here's a twist: 91% of Americans living in Mexico are "Illegal"

"When the US sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. (And some, I assume, are good people)"
"We will build a great wall of Resistance on our Northern border. We will not accept illegal Immigrants. And we will not pay for that wall."

Trump Offers No Apology for Claim on British Spying

"We have issued a formal apology to the British, after making unverifiable claims that couldn't be backed up."
"What was the nature of the apology? We can't find any - "
"WE APOLOGIZED. END OF DISCUSSION."

"The latest sources have stated that The President's words from his own mouth can't be trusted. These news are clearly LIES."

Donald Trump on His Reading Habits: 'I Love Book!'

He speaks like he's listening to what he just said and then responds to that. Like, he's unable to plan ahead or fully suss out the point he's going to make before speaking.
That's why you get shit like, "They say I have good X...(wait, that guy just said good...what's better than good?)...the best X! (or shit, he one-upped me...think fast)...so tremendous!" or, "I'm looking at a book (while he's just looking I'm.....READING. That's it!), I'm reading a book (oh shit, better back that down before they ask me what newspapers I read, like that Palin broad..)...I'm to get started."
It's like he's competing against, and trying to out do someone... but that someone is himself.

Comey Confirms F.B.I. Probe into Trump Campaign Links to Russian Hackers, Says He Has ‘No Information’ on Trump’s Wiretapping Charge

We don't need to wiretap Trump. He's more than capable of revealing his inner thoughts via Twitter. He probably thinks that there's hidden cameras everywhere, after reports of Russian Prostitutes peeing on the Presidential bed. (Which NEVER happened!)

A President’s Credibility Trump’s falsehoods are eroding public trust, at home and abroad.

"Mr..... "President", there's been a Nuke launched from North Korea onto Hawaii."
"No, there hasn't."
"Sir, I have the reports right here. You can't ignore - "
"Those are fake news. I have far more legitimate concerns to deal with."
"For the umpteenth time, there's been NO proof of any wiretapping! There are VERY REAL consequences of - "
"Did they vote for me?"
"What? The Hawaiians? No."
"Then they don't need my help."
"I meant Florida. Florida needs your help."
"They knew what they were getting themselves into. They can take care of themselves."
"No, they can't! We need to address helping the wounded - "
"Launch the Nukes towards South Korea."
"...don't you mean NORTH Korea?"
"This is a pre-emptive strike. We need to show we're serious and mean serious business. Besides, I've got no businesses there. Their loss, ungrateful bastards."

Ahead of release of financial disclosures, Trump administration brags about how many wealthy people it has

"Look at how RICH these people I've got working for me are! Way richer than you poor losers!"

House leaders postpone vote on their health-care plan

"We're confident that we'll have constituents who are willing to put their pants in the fire."
"Hands."
"What?"
"It's 'Put your hands in the fire'."
"Hands, Pants, what's the difference? Either way, someone's gonna get burned."

Then there was the time he tweeted that he was going to be running against the Republicans & the Democrats.

"I am officially fighting The Republicans and The Democrats."
"So, are you running Independent - "
"Fighting the Independents too."
"The Green Party and the Communist Party?"
"Fighting The Green Party too."
(silence)
"What??"
"Nothing."

Michael Flynn asked for immunity. Senate Intelligence turned him down.

"I got loads of info on members of the DeathEaters - "
"We already got 'em."
"Uh? But what about his Russian connections - "
"We know those too."
"Well - I got his tax returns!!"
"Big deal. So do we."

"I said that when Clinton was given Immunity, she was probably guilty of committing a crime. I wasn't given Immunity, so I didn't commit a crime."

NATO Frantically Tries to Trump-Proof President’s First Visit

The problem with trying to make things Fool-Proof is that we constantly underestimate the extent fools operate under.

WW3 FEARS: Russia THREATENED Donald Trump with 'negative consequences' if he strikes Syria

Another instance of how Trump fails where normal Politicians would excel in - anytime a Leader in Charge is under threat of scandal or the hint of a scandal, they divert their voter's attention by declaring war on a country far away from them.  We're fortunate enough that Trump is too incompetent to even consider declaring such an act, since it'd divert attention away from himself.

Bombshell: Initial Thoughts on the Washington Post’s Game-Changing Story

"They can't indict me for betraying my Oath in Office! I didn't say HALF of those words! I mostly mumbled my way through! And lip-synced in the rest later! And I've got LOADS of Witnesses, since I had the largest Inauguration in History!"

Reporters In Press Room Can Hear Screaming From Trump Staff Offices Nearby, Livetweet Meltdown

"Shhhh... Mommy and Daddy are fighting... here, distract yourself with some good-old fashioned violence on TV."
"Where's Mommy?"
"That's one of the things Daddy's arguing about."

With so much chaos & disunity in the White House, Politics are deciding whether to use the 25th Amendment to get rid of Trump.

"Hmmm... sounds like a certain Amendment needs overhauling! Let's repeal this, along with the First and Second!"
"You'd take away people's guns?"
"Why not??? They won't object if I tell them to do it! The NRA will surely back me up on this!"
"No, we won't."
"Who needs you, anyways?! I won the Election purely on my own merits, with no outside help from anyone, and can shoot anybody on 5th street without losing any voters! Or sleep!"

Trump Brags About Eating the “Most Beautiful” Chocolate Cake During Syrian Missile Strike Decision

"You think YOU'VE got problems??? I've got all this leftover cake, and once I'm finished, I'll still be hungry for more. Don't bother me with your growling tummy. You could stand to lose some weight, anyhow."

You realize this is how Marie Antoinette was vilified?

Trump wanted to veto bill to keep government Open

"$1 Trillion Dollars, just to keep the Government running? Can't we do the job with just Half that price - no, let's say 25 Thou or something?"
"Most of that money goes into paying the people in charge."
"In that case, I'm giving myself a hefty pay raise."

EXCLUSIVE: Trump Unafraid Of Possible Government Shutdown

"If the Company - I mean, Government is in Lockdown - I mean, Shutdown, then I don't have to work as much! More Golf for me!"

In a ham-fisted attempt to balance the national Debt, Trump suggested selling off the country's Oil Reserves, operating under the same rationale that "we shoulda stolen their oil when we were over there!" as a reasonable compensation for covering monetary losses, even though that's technically a War Crime.
This is how morally bankrupt Businessmen think.

"To make ALL THE MONIES, we simply sell off our reserve Oil Reserves. Then, we declare War on the countries we sold our Oil to, and steal back what was rightfully ours."

In another irony, Trump who constantly accused Hillary of being too weak, sick and feeble to lead the people, when he's taken more Golf Weekends than any other President in the past.

"Lying Hillary CAN'T be expected to keep her energy up! I alone, will personally fight for the people with every ounce of preservation I've got!"
"Sir, here's the forms that need signing..."
"YAAAAAWWNNN... I'm too tired. I'mma gonna take a nap."
"What about that speech you made during your (wonderful, I might add) campaign? Was that just hyperbole?"
"No, I meant every single word I said."

The President Just Told a Room of Israelis That He "Just Got Back From the Middle East"

"And boy, are my arms tired."

Then there was the time he pushed past the Prime Minister of Montenegro.

"OUTTA MY WAY! Important people coming through!!"

Sadly, there was a time when Trump was able to speak with eloquence at length and present his ideas in a clear and concise manner... 20 years ago.

I'm just more impressed that he used the word "plenipotentiary", considering his fourth-grade language nowadays.

Name-Calling!  My cheating lying opponents are engaging in unfair Name-Calling!

Putting his priorities first, Trump set up a War Room to counter the constant leaks regarding the Russian probe.

"The Scandals... are coming from INSIDE the War Room!"
*All eyes turn on Trump*
(Furiously Twittering) "Not me. I blame the leakers."

New White House war room to combat Comey in Eisenhower Executive Office Building next to the White House

"I demand only the Best War Room! A War Room worthy of a Billionaire President! A room fettered in Gold, with Gold Star Generals, Purple Bleeding Hearts mounted on every wall, and Diamond-encrusted Missiles aimed at our enemies!"
"Sir, we're dealing with fallout from the Press, not an invading country."
(Shrugs) "What's the difference?"

Senate Intelligence Committee Requests the records Trump's team made during his campaign.

"You can't have them. We... shredded them. Then set them on fire. Then spread the ashes to the four winds."

Fox News' Refusal to Cover Trump's Scandals makes for Bad Ratings and are Boring

"Nothing to worry about regarding the Trump Presidency. Everything is perfectly fine, and our wonderful President is doing just great."
(Everybody else changes the channel to whatever news station is broadcasting the latest insane thing Trump's done lately)
Who would have thought that Fake News would be less interesting than Real News???

Spicer Stonewalls On Kushner, Trump Citing His Own Anonymous Sources

"Half of my Twitter followers are made up? FAKE NEWS!! I have three million faithful subscribers who say otherwise!"

Then there was the time he started writing in the middle of the night, starting with "Despite the negative press covfeffe" and left the remainder of the tweet uncorrected and unfinished for over six hours (presumably while he slept), and none of his staff bothered to interrupt his nap, lest they endure his wrath.

I checked the keyboard - the required letters are nowhere NEAR close to what he intended to write.

At which point, the White House Secretary tried to clear up any confusion:

"The President does not make mistakes."
"But 'Covfefe' isn't in the dictionary."
(Dials Webster's) "It is now."
"So, what DOES it mean??"
"Buy their latest edition to find out!"
"Or, I could just simply look it up online."
"NO! MY STOCKS!! ...I mean, how can you tell the difference between all those FAKE NEWS and my reliable Unnamed Sources?"
"Since when do you invest in books?"
"I've always invested in books! My Best Bestseller was a book! My life is an open book!"
"Since you're so open and honest, care to tell us what Covfefe means?"
"Buy my book and find out!"

And as if things weren't bad enough, it was found out that Trump stole charity money intended for children dying of tumors.  Let me repeat that.  He stole money from Children dying of CANCER.

"Those kids were going to die off anyways, so what's the damage? Hillary was probably worse."
"She actually DONATED her funds to charity."
"Fake news."

Pro-Trump readers are turning their backs on Breitbart website after writer fired for racist tweets

"Children, they're not Tens. They're barely even ONEs.  I'm not gonna kiss that baby. I don't know where it's been. I'd much rather touch where the baby came from, if you know what I mean."

But don't worry about those seemingly nonexistent plans.  In Trump’s White House, Everything’s Coming in ‘Two Weeks’

"When are you going to follow through on those Campaign Promises you siad you were going to do?"
"Geeze, you guys are so impatient! Just wait two weeks."
"That's what you said two weeks ago."
"Nobody knew that running a Government was so complicated. There's so many forms to fill out."
"When are you going to do the necessary paperwork?"
"There's rallies in my honor that need my presence first. I'll get around to signing my proper name in two weeks."

For context, the General just left the Prime Minister's office,
who personally gave him the intentionally unsigned check.

Ever the consummate showman, Trump is delaying the filling up of his Senate Seats and empty staff positions, wanting to keep the big reveal a secret.

"No Paper Trail! I don't want our spies and Enemies to know what we're doing, or who we're nominating! It's going to be a surprise!"

The biggest influential clincher in the November Election was definitely James Comey releasing sensitive information about Clinton (that led nowhere), while remaining silent about disturbing relations between Russia and Trump.  A decision that he surely regretted later.

Comey: "This newest bit of data found regarding Clinton's emails deserves looking into. The Russian fallout can wait."
(Three months later)
Trump: "Comey! My Pal! How's it hanging, Big Guy? Thanks for taking care of that thing, if you know what I mean? You scratched my back, so now it's time for you to scratch my front! Otherwise, it could wind up being very very bad for you."
Comey: (Thinking) "Good Lord, what have I done?!"

Mark Evanier, indefatigable writer of all Media & Garfield & Friends, Tweeted the following passage,

"I'm starting to think James Comey's going to go down in history as the man who cost both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump the White House." 

When Trump wasn't meeting his FBI agent in person, he was delegating his requests through secondary sources.

"Comey, Trump says he'd like you to stop looking into his nonexistent connections with Russia."
"Why doesn't he come here and say that to my face?"
"He has more important things to deal with. Those golf balls aren't going to putt themselves. Besides, he doesn't want to be heard saying anything potentially incriminating."
"I'm sorry, could you say that again?"
"I'm only repeating what I figure he'd like to hear, not what he actually said."

And then, the watershed WaterGate moment - Trump fired Comey when it looked like he wasn't going to back off on the Russian probe, echoing shades of Nixon.

"But I'll get a good letter of recommendation, right?"

By firing Comey, Trump may have fanned the flames he hoped to control

"The fire's not going down! Hand me that bucket of Gasoline!"

At which point, Trump threatened Comey with the reveal of "tapes".

Since he used "tapes" in quotation brackets, does that mean he's just joking about there being any tapes in the first place?

Financial-Crimes Monitor to Share Records in Trump-Russia Probe

"Hmmm.... sounds like somebody's due for another firing!"
"You can't just - "
"Of course I can! I'm the President!!!"

‘Looking Like a Liar or a Fool’: What It Means to Work for Trump

"So, the entire FBI's against me, huh? I'll disband the whole branch! They can't possibly investigate me then!"

Then, just to troll the Americans, Putin offered to give a copy of testimony from his Russian reporters, since the American Politicians and Media were refused entry.

"Totally Fake News! I recorded that conversation, and he didn't say HALF of what he said!"
"Could we have copies of - "
"Not gonna happen."

"Putin better hope that there are no 'tapes' of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!"

Four top law firms turned down requests to represent Trump - probably because they insisted on getting paid up front first.  And Trump refuses to listen to any Lawyerly advice that adheres to "Don't say anything, let me do all the talking".

"Who needs you losers?! I'll represent myself!!"
"That's not the wisest... oh, just go ahead and do it."

Eventually Trump settled for his usual Lawyer, Marc Kasowitz who sent a Cease & Desist letter, which was full of factual and spelling mistakes.  (Including calling the President 'Predisent')  Mistakes that were later corrected online.  How appropriate. Attacking a Nazi with Grammar Nazis, dissing the Predisent in front of the Dissident's back.

So when Comey finally got his moment in the spotlight, the question of "tapes" came up, prompting the need for further questions.

"I'm unwilling to disclose what happened behind closed doors."
"YES! My toothless threat worked!"
"Instead, I want to reveal what happened out in the open."
"NO! You learned the wrong lesson from that!"

Which looked particularly bad for Trump's credibility, since Three senior FBI officials could vouch for Comey’s story

"They're in it!! They're ALL CONSPIRING AGAINST ME!! BECAUSE I'M AN OUTSIDER, AND NOT PART OF THEIR SPECIAL INNER CIRCLE!! Who do I need to bribe in order to get them on my side??"

 Comey's constant refusal to comply with his wishes only served to further enrage Trump.

"Comey was the worst, the absolute WORST!! He refused to sign a blood loyalty act with me! Right, guys?"
“Umm........"
“RIGHT, GUYS?!"
(Feeling extremely envious of Comey) "Right, sir..."

There were rumours that Trump might live-tweet during the Comey hearing:

"Cancel all my plans. I'm live-tweeting today."
"Sir, Comey isn't testifying until Thursday."
"I said, 'CANCEL MY PLANS.'"

As it turned out, Trump never got to do any live-tweeting - his son did it for him - because Comey released his intended reveal a day ahead of schedule.

"What am I supposed to live-Tweet about all day tomorrow???"
“How about being and actually doing Presidential stuff?"
“As I said, What am I supposed to do all day tomorrow??"

In a summary of then current events, the following passage stuck out:

"Former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony Thursday to the Senate Intelligence Committee promises to be one of the most highly anticipated congressional appearances in years. Indeed, for a comparable high-stakes hearing, you have to go back to 2015, when Hillary Clinton testified before the House Benghazi Committee. Or 1991, when Anita Hill testified in Clarence Thomas’ Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Or 1987, when Oliver North testified on the Iran-Contra scandal. So Thursday is THAT big."

The investigation was full of interesting and revealing tidbits, even as several Politicians kept trying to divert Comey back to Clinton's emails, the general summary could be described as thus:

"Why DIDN'T you argue with The President, the Most Powerful and Most Important MAN on the Planet?!"
"So, you're saying you would've argued with him?"
"...I'm not the one on trial here."

The Elephant is a Metaphor.

Even though it won't happen, I'm still looking forward to any instance of Trump breaking down on the stands like Phoenix Wright's witnesses.