The Fog & Pony Show

Recently, there was an expose of Hillary Clinton's book, What Happened, of her Campaign Trail that's been getting mixed reviews, from people who admire her, and people who loath her, usually for the same reasons.  Even though the majority of the book deals with her personal experience, the most vocal critics mainly focus on a brief paragraph that singles out Bernie Sander's reluctance to tone down his rampant sabotaging attacks on Clinton, long after he was no longer in the running that included a timely Facebook metaphor:

Bernie: “I think America should get a pony.”
Hillary: “How will you pay for the pony? Where will the pony come from? How will you get Congress to agree to the pony?”
Bernie: “Hillary thinks America doesn’t deserve a pony.”
Bernie Supporters: “Hillary hates ponies!”
Hillary: “Actually, I love ponies.”
Bernie Supporters: “She changed her position on ponies! #WhichHillary#WitchHillary”
Headline: Hillary Refuses To Give Every American a Pony.
Debate Moderator: “Hillary, how do you feel when people say you lie about ponies?”

Another complaint I heard elsewhere (but can't seem to find again) was that Hillary would offer to concede to Bernie's plans, and even offered to integrate his ideas onto hers, but Bernie would undercut her attempts.  If a Health Care Plan required the citizens paying 4% of taxes, he would up the ante by saying, "We can do it for 0%!"  And then, Hillary would be demonized for asking for being the Fun Police in asking how this plan could work.  Bernie may mean well, but he has yet to offer a reasonable way of having it pay for itself.

If this seems somewhat reductionist, it's because this is just a roundabout way of saying it reminded me of a relevant passage from Jaka's Story.

Most of Cerebus (particularly the early parts) can be somewhat of a slog, with pages of overdone prose and in-joke references to American comics events that were taking place around the 80's and 90's when it was published.  Here's a sample from an early issue, where the narration is still in its infancy:

It's only after you scroll down that you notice that there's some needless text at the very bottom of the page, which somewhat ruins the whole effect of reading the panel.  I always thought it would be greatly improved if the text was moved higher up, which not only would put it next to the big sound effect, but also have the text flow much more smoothly in conjunction with the action.  Of course, Dave Sim was still learning his craft, and intended to keep all aspects of his improvements intact, warts & all, but I can't help but think a slight modification would help in this instance, even for the Restoration Project. 

Equally annoying is that very often, plans will be discussed in great detail... only to be completely overturned due to a previously unforeseen event, rendering most of the previous conversations practically redundant.  You could skip a large portion of these pages, and still wind up in the same place.  It's very like the Yotsuba Arc of Death Note where L would explain a plan to avoid being detected, and then stupid Matsuda would wind up ruining all of his carefully laid schemes.

Most fans recommend skipping over to the 2nd volume, High Society, but even that has its faults, since several reoccurring characters make a reappearance, and the climax loses its punch if you're not aware of a certain story that took place in the 1st volume.

But Jaka's Story is Cerebus at its most accessible.  All that's really needed to know are three things:

1. Cerebus used to be Prime Minister, then Pope, before losing it all.
2. Cerebus is in love with Jaka.
3. Jaka's Uncle is Lord Julius, who looks and acts just like Groucho Marx.

That's it.  That's all you really need to know.  The rest of the story plays out naturally without the need for extra unnecessary exposition.  And the consistent 6-grid paneling is broken with the occasional dense typewritten text both for the Oscar Wilde expy and internal scripted dialogue of storekeeper Pud.

Reading Cerebus - even as a first attempt isn't always an easy thing.  You can't just blindly rush into a single book and expect to knock it out in a single weekend.  (Well, you can, but you'll get a headache doing so)  Like the Krazy Kat strips, they need to be absorbed at a slower pace, to truly understand what's going on.  Or, you could just flip through the issues, reading the pictures, and the occasional spoken word where appropriate, before moving on to the next in a mad dash to get to the better stuff.

High Society can count as a single novel, but was also intended to be read as individual issues, which meant rereading a chapter again while waiting for the next, and noticing certain details that wouldn't become evident until later.  It's only when the high point of Church & State kicks in that you're flipping the pages at a rapid rate to see what'll happen next that it starts feeling like encroaching on familiar territory.  It's a long road getting there, and may not always to everybody's tastes, but is still an enriching process for anyone brave enough to take the plunge.

EDIT - I'm ashamed to admit that there was another Pony metaphor that just occurred to me, that would be just as easily applicable here:

And, just for extra reference, in case anybody missed it the first time around, here's My Little Shetland Pony again:

Trumped-up Depth Charges

It's the eve of the American election - a day we thought would never come.  To celebrate the deadline of an apprehensive date, here's the last batch of Trump commentary I made on Facebook for the (hopeful) foreseeable future.  For the first time, I've embraced the rigors & pains of Election Addiction,
and have no idea how I'll fill in my free time with no new insane news to look forward to.

Trump: Yeah, well, who'd want to go out with you?!  You're a total One on the hotness scale!  A real Zero!

--An unused line for my flawed theory that Clinton & Trump were having an affair.

If you've already made up your mind about Trump, the following recaps of comments made in the past three months won't change your mind much.  However, erring on the side of caution, here's a page full of links.

"I don’t care if Hillary Clinton is corrupt. I don’t care if she lies, if she cheats, if she eats bowls of newborn chipmunks for breakfast.
She is literally the only thing standing in the way of a fascist dictator becoming President of the United States with a Republican majority congress that guarantees he can do anything he wants and nothing will be able to stop him.

Every time we think Trump hits rock bottom, he brings out a backhoe, that he only paid the contractor half of what was promised.  It's less of a trainwreck, and more like watching MULTIPLE Train Wrecks, Plane Crashes and Earthquakes converging onto a single place where an elderly man attempts to light a match around a gas leak.  There is a moral event horizon, and the shark has long since passed it.

When even Charlie "Tiger Blood" Sheen thinks Trump's gone off the deep end, that's a sign that maybe you've gone too far.  Betting pools must be having a HELL of a time trying to fill in every potential slot, and laughing all the way to the bank as the last possible thing they could ever think of happens.

EDIT - It's painful, but the election has against all logic and reason, sided with the most racist toxic Presidential Candidate over a more stable platform.  Someday, we'll look back at our shortsightedness and laugh, but not right now - it's still too painful.  More after the cut.

Pmurt, The Anti-Trump

Chapter 34: Prescription

by Moore Urasawa

(Setting: the interior of a hospital wing.  A balding detective in a trench coat knocks on the door of an office)

Detective Flinch: Dr. Tenma?
(The door opens, revealing a world-weary brunette in a laboratory coat)
Doctor Tenma: Mister Flinch?  You made an appointment, right?
Flinch: Yes.  I was hoping we could speak confidentially.
Tenma: My office is always open.  (Leads Flinch inside, closes door)
Flinch: Lately, we've had rumours that the vigilante known as Code Name "P" is planning to take advantage of the ensuing confusion regarding the upcoming election.
Tenma: (Looks a little lost)  Unless it has to do with something medical, I'm not quite sure how I can help.
Flinch: There is.  You have access to a certain illegal drug in your possession.  A controlled substance, under article C2oh25-N3O, I believe.
Tenma: (Blank look)  What are you talking about??
Flinch: There's no use hiding it.  We've known about your operation for quite some time.
Tenma: (Looks warily at the door, seeking an escape route)
Flinch: Don't worry.  I'm not seeking a conviction.  I'm semi-retired, so officially, I'm not here.  I'm far more interested in a controlled substance that I used to partake.
Tenma: You??  I find that hard to believe.
Flinch: (Inhales, exhales deeply into his hands) It's not exactly something I'm proud of.  You see, I used to be a much more high-profile detective, helping solve some of the most baffling cases.
Tenma: Baffling cases?... You don't mean to say that... you were L?

Flinch: No, I wasn't THAT good.  (Chuckles)  No, but I took some mental-boosting pills that increased my productivity.  Unfortunately, they had the side effect of cutting off my relationships.  I became too grossly invested in my work.  My wife left me, my colleagues could no longer tolerate my presence.  My arrogance began to overwhelm getting further cases assigned my direction.  Eventually, I weaned off the pills, but my reputation was never the same afterwards.
Tenma: (Confused) So, why come to me then?  Why take these pills at all?
Flinch: In order to get into "P"'s mentality, I need to indulge deeply into the deepest darkest recesses of my mind.  And my ability lately has been sorely lacking.  I've always been three steps short of him, never quite catching up.  I don't like resorting to this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tenma: (Picks pills from behind secret compartment)  This 'P' threat, it's pretty big, huh?  (Hands pills over)
Flinch: You have no idea.  (Contemplates pills in his hand)
Tenma:  You know, it's not too late.  You can still back out if you want to.
Flinch:  (Shakes head) I know I'm reaching.  Frankly speaking, I'm scared about what getting into his state of mind entails.  (Swallows pills)  But I'm more scared about what 'P' might do more.
Tenma: (Points towards door, hand on doorknob) Should I leave, or...?
Flinch: Stay.  I need somebody to keep watch over me.  I have no idea how I'll react, having been off for so long.  My relapse should -
(The detective stops short, his eyes bulging out.  He puts his hands on his head and starts convulsing, his whole body shaking wildly, alarming the doctor.  After several seconds of erratic movement, the seizures stop)
Tenma: (Tentatively moves within the drug-induced detective's line of sight)  ...Inspector Lynch?

(Detective Lynch removes his hands from his head in a relaxed manner, revealing the face of a smiling confident man with a cool lean predator-hungry look with razor-sharp eagle eyes constantly seeking justice)
Detective Lynch: "I am 'P'."

(The screen becomes warped and corrupted)
*Static plays*
(The Horizontal and Vertical warble)

(The face of a man wearing a smiling Pikachu mask appears on the screen)

P: Hello.  Sorry to interrupt during a pivotal moment, but I felt it was time I had a few choice words to say.
This speech is not aimed at the general populace, but at the higher rankings of so-called men in charge.

At this current rate, your party is collapsing faster than I could possibly hope to implement.

Really, you have only yourselves to blame.

You've openly supported a man who for all intents and purposes, was a reprehensible human being.  All the proof was there for everyone with a lick of common sense to see.

The only reason you started backing him up was because he gained the popular vote with the same poisonous methodology you've used over the years to appeal to your voting base.  The problem with using such a technique for so long - somebody was bound to corrupt and override the formula down to its most basic elements for maximum impact.

And what has he done since?

• Insisted on a media blackout, just because he didn't like any criticism aimed at him.
• Called for defaulting the loans to Foreign powers he may be in debt to.
• Verbally assaulted the Muslim parents of a Gold Star soldier.
• Threw out a mother and crying baby out of one of his rallies.
• Accused the current term President of founding the very terrorist organizations he's been fighting against.
• Suggested the assassination of the opposing party's candidate.
• Openly revealed national secrets minutes after leaving Black Ops briefing rooms.

Furthermore, his default first response to any perceived threat is to go straight to the nukes.  And ALSO thinks that more countries should have nuclear weapons.

ANY other politician would long have apologized for their misgivings, hoped he'd be forgiven for their slights and move on.  Not him.  When met with anything resembling resistance - not even defiance - he digs in his heels and further digging in his roots for the hills he's willing to die on.  For all your hopes that he'd change his tune once sworn in as candidate, he decided to stick to the formula he knows best, since it worked this far.
This is a man who openly admits to refuse to change.

All these warning signals should have scared you off.  It didn't.  Experience should've shown you that unscrupulous businessmen make lousy politicians.  Your last Presidential Candidate should have shown you that.  It didn't.  Maybe now, you'd learn your lesson, but experience has taught me not to rely on wishful thinking.

Your ceiling of quality, once so high and lofty has fallen so low that it now more closely resembles a cellar floor.  And yet, you continue to follow behind him, while openly resisting any serious backing.  Which is it? You can't have it both ways forever.  Sooner or later, you're going to have to make a decision.

The ONE politician who made no move to endorse him, and appealed others to "vote their conscience" was booed off the stage for displaying disloyalty within the party.  Strange that voting our conscience is considered reprehensible.  At what point does despicable actions become acceptable behavior?

This is what comes out of letting your greed dictate your political terms.  We're at the point where a corporation is considered to be a person, but people are considered property.  You've made emotional arguments that have nothing to do with policy, and scared your voters beyond reasonable margins using anti-intellectual stances.  Annoying know-it-alls were just getting in the way with their factoids.  Well, here's one for you:

I have heard grumblings of the overwhelming dissatisfaction of the incompetence of the authorities in being unable to apprehend me, on the basis that "I'm only ONE man!"  Well, let me turn that back on you.  You only had to stop ONE man from rising as high into power as he did.  What's YOUR excuse?

And now, back to our regular feature, currently in progress.

(Brief flicker of snowy static)

(Interior of the Doctor's office is a shambles)

Flinch: (Looks around, confused.  Is surprised to find himself naked)  What happened?  I didn't hurt you, did I?
Tenma: (Shaking) No, you just did some bizarre pantomime actions, roleplaying multiple theoretical scenarios using my office supplies, before stopping and writing something down before collapsing.
Flinch: What'd I write?
Tenma: (Tentatively hands piece of paper over)
Flinch: (Reads page)

Page: It's already too late.  "P" doesn't need to do anything at this point.

The Baby Herman Game

Just recently, I've been instigated* into the secret matriarchal ritual known only to women.  I helped out by setting up a game for my sister's Baby Shower.  This game was an exercise in simplicity - the guests would be equipped with half of an accompanying comic.  One side would have the pictures and the other half would have the text.  And the challenge would be to match the appropriate image with the appropriate text.

The decision would have to be considered carefully, because in some instances, the answer could wind up being rather nonsensical.  While my sister would've intuited the answers instantly, she'd play ignorance in order to string the game along in favor of the guests who'd be less knowledgeable.

Finding the material for this game was something I'd be a natural at, having an encyclopedic memory for pre-1996 newspaper comics relating to any anecdotal analogy.  (Too bad there isn't a job posting for that)

But the actual process of completing the conditions for the game was surprisingly extremely hectic and stressful for me.  It wasn't the process of tracing down and finding relevant baby comics that was hard (That was the easy part)  It was having my choices whited down to a paltry number that would be suitable for the partygoers, who'd be bigger fans of Cathy or For Better or for Worse than Herman.  The problem being that there were very few single-panel comics of the former compared to the latter.  If it was simply dividing a comic in half and trying to fit the pieces of the panels together like a jigsaw puzzle, it would be an easier prospect.

My Mother didn't want to run the risk of alienating anybody who weren't avid experts in understanding comics, and opted for the safer route of one picture, one sentence.  (She's not much of a visual thinker, preferring to think in words instead)  Initially, I was dubious of her claims, as well as having the "answers" ready for anybody who wouldn't be able to figure it out on their own.  Other games included drawing a picture on a bib for future use, and a guessing game for what was inside a present-bag.  The purpose of this game was to serve as an icebreaker, making people who normally wouldn't talk to each other, find their mate, match up, and engage in meaningful dialogue.  The trick was to narrow down the available choices among the comics that could be widely applicable in multiple instances, and not restricted to specific punchlines.

After the vetting process, it was a matter of copying and pasting the numerous comics, first with text, then without.  Then typing up the missing text to be printed later.  Then printing out the pictures to make sure they weren't too big or too small to carry around.  Then making sure there was enough blank room at the for holes to be punched for thread to go around the wearer's neck.  There was some general confusion as to how I could punch holes without a hole puncher, until I showed that this was achieved by putting the edge of the cut-out into the edge of a regular 3-ring holepuncher.  This was an example of "being smarter than the problem".

After numerous test printings to see the results, we finally arrived at an appropriate size ratio.  Then I had to print out the final drafts onto high quality paper that would be suitable for the guests.  I suggested printing the pictures in one colour, and the text into another, so it'd be easier to tell them apart.

Then, when it came to making a test run of a card paper sample, I ran into an unexpected obstacle - my father was using the computer where the picture files were.  I never know how to approach someone working from behind, and also loath being interrupted in kind.  Even though this was my own dad who's never displayed any kind of physical violence towards me, I still felt extremely apprehensive about disturbing him.  I replaced the scrap paper in the printer with the single paper sample I intended to use, hoping that my actions would be noticed.  It wasn't.  His peripheral vision wasn't as good as mine.

I only managed to muster up some courage by wearing a back support belt tightly wrapped around my stomach area.  After awhile, I was able to calm down enough to ask permission to borrow the computer briefly so I could print out a sample on good paper, which would only take five seconds.  When I relayed my message, I told him that there was no need for him to log off his email account - I'd be out of his hair soon enough.  It wasn't until I looked at the printer that I noticed that he'd printed out some tax stuff on the very quality paper sample that I'd been meaning to use.

I couldn't help it - I started laughing more out of sheer exasperation than exhaustion.  Fortunately, there was still enough leftover room on the page to allow a single picture that would've otherwise taken up a waste of room.  With deliberate calculation, I was able to eke out a comic that juuuust dodged overwriting any confidential information.  As a result, Dad's got a very colourful piece of form material in his files now.

In the process of naming the baby-to be, the subject of family names came up, and I found out that one of my middle names was Armand, after an uncle, and was almost considered for my first name.  But it was turned down on account of sounding too much like Herman, which would've been problematic for a growing child being associated with the comic strip.  Ironically, the sheer amount of Herman comics I've memorized made me more of an accessory than anything.  Whenever an amusing story is mentioned in my vicinity, I'll reply with "That reminds me of a Herman..." (or Cathy / Doonesbury / Garfield / etc.) and I'll eventually find the result buried in the pages of the books I have.

As a result, I figured that instead of being called by my regular name, I'd rather be called Uncle Herman.

 *Technically, I was one of few reluctant male presences there - apart from a boyfriend driving over and a gay friend who stayed, .  (My Dad acting as cameraman didn't count)

October Crisis Influence

When it comes to Canadian domestic issues, there's a rather short list of disasters that've happened.  Apart from Heritage Minutes and documentary movies, knowledge about Canadian history is sketchy at best within their own citizens, and less memorable outside Canada's borders.  The notable exceptions being major headline grabbers such as the Lac-Megantic train explosion, the École Polytechnique Montreal Massacre and Mayor Rob Ford scandal, events in Canada is usually pretty quiet around here.

One of the defining moments in my country's history was the 1970 October crisis, the effects of which are still debated and contested today.  It may seem hard to believe, but there was a time when there were national terrorists from an extremist version of the PQ (Parti Quebecois) party, actively championing for French rights.  These guys got their message across by bombing mailboxes, which made people understandably nervous.  Around the same time that home delivery mail was being phased out for community mailboxes, I made the tasteless question of asking "Where's the FLQ when you need them?"

As if kidnapping a British trade commissioner wasn't enough, they decided to up the ante by kidnapping the Minister of Labour.  From this point on, stakes are raised and tensions rise.

Pierre Trudeau executed the War Measures Act, and started rounding up all members and potential members - anybody who had potential relations with the FLQ, and had them locked up.

Upon discovery of the ambassador's death, even the people who were on the FLQ's side couldn't condone their actions anymore.  Even though many of the people who were rounded up turned out to have superfluous ties to the FLQ, there was little doubt that the tactic used was very effective.

The War Measures act was the only time it was implemented during peacetime, and while the majority of people were for its use, there were complaints later on due to the large amount of police brutality in response to a perceivable threat.  Arrested citizens were held for a week without due process, and could be imprisoned for another three weeks.  In response to rising tensions, Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau uttered one of the most memorable political lines this side of Fuddle-Duddle and "A proof is a proof".

In his summary of Canadian elections, MightyGodKing wrote in his footnotes,

"It is worth explaining that Jean Chretien embodied one of the central principles of Canadian politics, which is that for all that the world thinks of us as nice and polite, we inevitably vote for whichever political leader seems like the most capable bastard. Chretien was a ridiculously capable bastard."

While in power, political leaders can be under threat of being targeted, such as Jean Chretien's late-night break-in (who was stopped by his wife) and the Ottawa shooting at Parliament Hill. However, once their term is over, they're pretty much on their own.  Unlike Presidents who continue to be guarded for life after completing their service, Canadian Prime Ministers revert back to being citizens without protection.  It's not unusual to see one shopping, taking public transportation or ordering fast food in public, though it can be a little jarring.

In exchange for the safe release of James Cross, the people responsible for the kidnapping were exiled to Cuba as per their demands, believing that the Communist Castro government would be sympathetic to their cause.  They escaped, but the reality of the Castro regime was far from their expectations.

While people were voicing loud complaints about how innocents were treated, they were strangely silent regarding the perpetrators who were left unpunished.  Just recently, around the time Justin Trudeau revived the Liberal Party away from Harper's strongarm scare tactics, one of the first laws they overturned was revoking the citizenship of people accused of terrorism.  While their intentions were in the right place, the execution left a sour taste in some people's mouths.  The general consensus was that if you committed an act contrary to the values of Canada, then you've forfeited your rights to be a Canadian, and shouldn't be considered a citizen anymore.

The FLQ didn't just target mailboxes as an outlet for their frustration.  They also performed attacks on the Montreal Stock Exchange, City Hall, the RCMP, recruiting offices and army installations.

I only bring this history lesson up because of something I recently read; Violence Jack, the most Go Nagai-ish Go Nagai Manga ever made.  Go Nagai works tend to be filled with  reprehensible leads, villains, side characters and outrageous concepts played in a sadistic cartoony manner.  Violence Jack is a post-apocalyptic Manga of epic proportions.  Japan basically goes straight to hell after huge earthquake, which leaves it a deserted wreck.  Every Mad Max cliche you can think of is conveyed here, from punk-armored wearing fetish biker gangs to plucky orphaned children to scandalous torture, abuse, and sexual threats aimed against women.  And that's not counting the flashbacks to horrendous events before the devastating earthquake that reduced all of Japan to a savage wasteland.

Around this time in 1969, there were multiple student protests and riots in Japan over campus policies and Vietnam.  Shortly after being introduced to a revolutionary group, a fugitive murderer, Saotome Mondo starts off by kidnapping an American ambassador...

...delays on giving any specific demands for the ambassador's safe return...

...starts blowing up several army outposts...

...parades the ambassador around in a tank...

...while... well, I'll let the headlines speak for themselves.



Then, shortly after the ambassador is found left for dead, the police are called out in force...

...who righteously take down the remainder of the gang, while the leaders elude capture.  (Though they're arrested later, wearing paper-thin disguises)

Violence Jack started sometime around the 1970s, and the October Crisis happened in the 1970s.
It's not entirely implausible that a documentary about the kidnapping caught Go Nagai's eye, but if it did, the timing for influence certainly fits.  It's somewhat strange to notice a distinctive Canadian influence in an otherwise nihilistic work, when the majority is largely limited to American/Japanese media.  It's like discovering an ugly unicorn in a world of My Little Shetland Pony.

Something like this.

One Punch Man Vs...

Part 1 here.
Part 2 here.

(The setting is in a field far from the Assassination school, where Saitama and Squirrel Girl are lazing around)

Saitama: There's no real reason for you being here.  Why'd you come?
Squirrel Girl: Are you kidding?  I'm interested in seeing what lousy excuse the teacher's gonna give for not exercising. (Throws peanuts in her mouth like they were popcorn)
Saitama: You never know.  He might've actually decided to try harder this time.
Squirrel Girl: Your unwavering optimism is admirable.
Saitama: I'm just glad you're not taking up resident in my apartment.  I've got too many freeloaders already.
(Looks in a general direction where a bright circle is unsuccessfully trying to camouflage itself)
Saitama: Get out behind that tree.  You're not fooling anyone.
(Koro-Sensei reluctantly moves closer to the field, looking more worried than usual)
Saitama: Well, you know the conditions.  Are you prepared?
Koro-Sensei: I think... I might've made a mistake in choosing your opponent.
Squirrel Girl: Hah!  I knew it!
Saitama: So, you skipped your homework again?  I can't say I'm not disappointed.
Koro-Sensei: I can't throw a punch to save my life!  And I really want to keep my life, you know.  I looked all over, trying to find someone else who'd be more of a match for you, but none came up.  Kenshiro... Jojo... Zaraki...Vegeta... Mr. Satan... they all declined for one reason or another...  Then I started looking further, and came across some hardcore supernatural fighters who might be in your weight class.

Koro-Sensei: So, you're the God of Fighting, huh?  And you're feeling kinda bored, looking for a good fight?
Beerus: That's right.
Koro-Sensei: Well, let me tell you...
Beerus: Nope.
Koro-Sensei: I haven't even started yet!
Beerus: You were going to offer me an opponent worthy of my attention.  Sorry, but I'm currently occupied in reigniting the popularity of a beloved franchise.  Besides, he's only the SECOND man I've dared glanced at that made me weak at the stomach and knees.
Koro-Sensei: The second??  Who was the first?
Beerus: I heavily advise against it.  You don't want to be anywhere near him.
Koro-Sensei: It's not for me, it's for... a friend!
Beerus: You must really hate your friend.
Koro-Sensei: Trust me, this guy's desperate for a fight that'll make him feel something.
Beerus: Well, if abject terror is what he's looking for, then he's right up your alley.  (Hands over card)  Here's his address, but I seriously recommend against it.  (Looks worried)  If he asks, don't use my name.

Koro-Sensei: After a short flight, it didn't take long to set up a meeting with the mystery man, and he certainly lived up to the hype.  I wore my trademark disguise and told him of a monster that'd been tearing up the populace, and he started convulsing with sadistic glee.  At this point, I was beginning to regret not taking Beerus' advice -
Saitama: Yeah, yeah.  That's nice and all, but I still don't see anybody here yet.  You talk too much.
Koro-Sensei: That's because in addition to being overwhelmingly powerful, he's somewhat of an eccentric.  He only agreed to come here if he could make a flashy appearance.  First, he had barbed wire wrapped all around his body... Then rubber tires were stacked, surrounding him... then rubber quick-drying cement was poured through the cracks... as he was encased in a 10-inch steel container.  Now, he's currently being dropped out of a high-flying airplane... without a parachute.  (Puts hand above eyes to protect glare) In fact, I think that's him coming down now.
(Upon plummet, said 10-inch steel container is twisting around, devouring itself from the inside)
Squirrel Girl: You got the Tasmanian Devil?
Koro-Sensei: I WISH.  If Bugs Bunny could handle him, ANYBODY could handle him.  However, I don't think anybody can handle this guy...
(Upon impact, the container bursts into pieces, and a silhouette shredding the barbed wire like toilet paper)
(An intimidating figure comes out of the wreckage, radiating an aura so intense it warps the background)

(Squirrel Girl reaches into her pocket to find a card that suddenly appeared in her inventory)

Deadpool's card guide to Super Villains: Yujiro Hanma - Father of "Grappler" Baki Hanma

• If you're ever feeling tempted to fight this guy, don't.  (That means YOU, Squirrel Girl)
• This is not an instance of reverse-psychology.  Only go up against him if you want to experience having your fighting pride emasculated and made fun of.
• And this is coming from someone who teases The Hulk on a regular basis.
• This is a man who devotes every second of every day totally focused on fighting.
• He lives for nothing more than finding worthy opponents he can crush underneath his heel.
• Black Belt Martial artists have broken their bones just from hitting him in the face.
• TaskMaster tried to mimic Yujiro's punching power, and wound up fracturing his arm in three different places.
• In addition, he's extremely egotistical, and refuses to be chauffeured around by anyone of lower status than the President of the United States.

Squirrel Girl:  You're in luck!  This guy looks pretty tough!  He inspired the character Akuma from Street Fighter.
Yujiro: Akuma??  Pfft.  They had to really nerf him down to make him remotely beatable.  Even Shin Cyber-Akuma is nowhere near my level.
Saitama: I've never been able to beat that guy.  I'm always amazed when seeing someone win against him.
Yujiro: So, I heard that there was a magnificent monster found lurching among this mountaintop.  (Leans and smiles right in front of Koro-Sensei's face)  Anybody seen it?!?
(Koro-Sensei's eyes are unfocused, darting everywhere, some tentacles pointing towards himself, some towards Squirrel Girl, some at Saitama, some at Yujiro)
Yujiro: The spokesman had a round head with a nose that kept falling off.  It couldn't possibly be this octopus-like creature could it?  Talk about slow.  I can't believe a whole country is held hostage by such a weakling who couldn't punch its way out of a paper bag!  (Takes a bite out of a broken-off Koro-Sensei tentacle)
Koro-Sensei: (Looks at his cleanly-broken-off stump)  When did you-?
Yujiro: Yuck!  You taste awful!!  Ptoo!!
Saitama: Yeah, you have to boil his limbs a long time to kill the taste.
Yujiro: (Ignoring Saitama)  So, what's this??  You're trying to teach children how to kill??  How cute.  This country's certainly gone to the dogs if they're reduced to using weapons instead of their bare hands.
Koro-Sensei: (Standing up for himself and his students) Hey, don't insult -
Yujiro: A REAL man settles all their accounts with their fists!  People who devised rocks as tools depended on them... then hammers... axes... spears... blades... bows and arrows... guns... cannons... bombs... the further they developed these extensions of themselves... the further they deviated away from their true power.  Tools are short-cuts that have allowed man to forget the inner strength they hold.

Saitama: And you have that kind of long-lost strength?
Yujiro: Precisely!  That's because I follow a strict regime that I never deviate from:


Yujiro: Of course, that's only appropriate for a macho prodigy like me.  If some random schlub attempted to do even one-tenth of what I've mastered over the years, they would be overwhelmed by the pain, because chances are, they'd be doing it wrong.  Anybody who'd stick to that schedule would be an idiot of monumental proportions.
(Saitama embarrassingly averts his gaze)
Yujiro: I couldn't even fathom what such an exercise would do to a human body.  In my case, I trained so hard, my hair turned blood red.
(Saitama looks even more embarrassed and despondent)
Squirrel Girl: Waitaminute. (does mental math) That's the distance of two-and-a-half marathons a day!  That's physically impossible.
Yujiro: For normal peons, sure.  But there's a trick to it.  Are you aware of how computer monitors are able to save energy?
Squirrel Girl: Uh?  Well, there's screensavers, and ever-advancing cheaper microchips, right?
Yujiro: Sure, but there's more to it.  Back when Steve Jobs was figuring out how to lower costs... for the Apple II... by eliminating noisy fans... Rod Holt found out energy could be saved... by having the screen flicker... multiple times... in a fraction of a second... faster than the human eye could conceive.  By that very same principle... just as computer monitors use rapid blinking to save on power... I exert my body... to move my legs constantly... in a fraction of a second... to the point where they're always moving... while seemingly standing perfectly still.
Squirrel Girl: That's a very weirdly specific way to reveal obscure trivia.  And I don't think exercise works that way.
Yujiro: Shows what you know.  While scouring the globe looking for ever-stronger opponents... and legendary creatures... I spend my free time by going all Rambo in war zones... barehanded... Breaking into heavily guarded panic rooms... Threatening the heads of state... Gatecrashing Underground Tournaments... and the Olympics... Breaking Guinness world records... In my spare time... I attempt Chuck Norris memes.  It's SO great being all-powerful.  I don't see how anybody could ever get bored.

Saitama: You still haven't found anybody worth sparring, right?
Yujiro: Is it that obvious?  Let me tell you - picking a fight with me is the equivalent of declaring war on a Nuclear Country.  For some reason, everybody's too scared to make the first move, so I have to keep provoking them until I get a reaction... which doesn't last long after my first hit.

Yujiro: What's with that cheap-ass costume you're wearing, anyways?  You look like you've wandered off from a crowd-pleasing carnival play.
Squirrel Girl: Not to disparage you, but he's a Super Hero, and so am I.
Yujiro: (Disappointed sigh)  A Superhero?  You're little more than glorified wrestlers with Soap Opera elements.  Sure, you may want to engage in national emergencies in the real world to feel relevant, but for the most part, you're more interested in beating up other people in costumes than anything else.  Admit it - if I dressed up in fancy garbs, you wouldn't think twice of going up against me.
Saitama: I'd still want to hit you, even if you weren't.
Yujiro: Now, if I were ever given a Hero title, it would be along the lines of Captain General Admiral Commander CurbStomp, given how easily I crush my foes.
Saitama: That's a little long-winded isn't it?
Yujiro: Something catchier then?  Okay, since I enjoy using my limbs so much, you could call me One-Kick Man.
Saitama: That sounds... almost, but not quite right for some reason I can't quite pin down.
Yujiro: You don't seem convinced of my physical superiority, so I'll prove it to you.  I want you to punch me as hard as you can.
Squirrel Girl: Uh... do you know who you're talking to???
Yujiro: Yeah.  Some average guy.
Saitama: (Shrugs)  Alright, if you insist...  (Winds up arm)
Yujiro: No, NO, NO!  Don't you even know how to throw a punch?!  Here, let me show you.

 


Yujiro: (Grabs Saitama's hand) Just bunch your fingers into a fist (thumb outside last), then tuck your arm backwards to gather up all your strength, so you can lurch your momentum forwards into one piercing blow that'll blow away your opponent with one shot!

Squirrel Girl: Um... I think he already knows more than enough about punching...
Yujiro: This won't do at all.  Your form's too amateurish.  We're going to have to amp up your game to get any decent damage.  (Points to Koro-Sensei)  YOU.  Come here.
(Koro-Sensei nervously obliges)
Yujiro: You can move pretty fast, can't you?  I want you to carry this man around the stratosphere several times.  When you return via re-entry, you should be burning enough centrifugal force to rend flesh and bone.  But that's not enough - you should also be spinning counter-clockwise for maximum damage.
(Yujiro digs a small circle in the grassy ground around his feet)
Yujiro: By the time you land from orbit back at this very spot, you'll have gained enough Mach speed to MAYBE present enough of a challenge against me.
Koro-Sensei: And what if I refuse to comply with your demand?
Yujiro: Then I'll hunt you down to the ends of the Earth.
(Koro-Sensei attempts to run away, but Yujiro keeps getting in front of him)
Yujiro: Forget it.  Even if you move to another continent, I'll just cut the Earth in half, and throw that half into the sun.  Then I'll move onto the next half, until there's no more halves to hide from.
Koro-Sensei: You - you're bluffing!
Yujiro: Am I?  I'd sooner destroy the Earth with my bare hands before you do it yourself.  You're talking to someone who stopped an Earthquake just by punching the ground.

Koro-Sensei: (Turns to Saitama)  I'm sorry, but it looks like we'll have to team up in order for him to fight you.
Saitama: I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't this.
(The two of them zoom off into the atmosphere)
Yujiro: And now, we play the waiting game.
Squirrel Girl: (Tiptoes up behind Yujiro) You may act all aggressive, but I know your type.  You're a macho macho man.  You guys were very popular in the 90's, posturing around with your heavy guns and grimacing faces.
Yujiro: This isn't a grimace - this is a SMILE.  A welcoming smile to intimidate opponents and reassure small children.

Squirrel Girl: If that's a smile, I'd hate to see your frown.  While we're waiting for them to come back, how about you spar with me?
Yujiro: Sorry, I don't fight women.  They're too soft and fleshy, and not worth my time.

Squirrel Girl: Oh, NOW you're just asking for it!  (Thinks) "Sorry Deadpool, but I can't take that remark lying down."
(Squirrel Girl attempts several punches and kicks upon Yujiro's person, who barely notices)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, time to amp my game up!  (Chitters, summoning thousands of squirrels from all over)
Yujiro: (Notices the ground covered with furry little creatures) I usually fight animals more than twice my size.  Handling smaller creatures is beneath my notice.  But I'll play along.
(Inhales deeply) (Screams a high pitched yell that has all the nearby squirrels scrambling wildly) (Only a few dozen brave squirrels are still remaining)
Yujiro: That was the mating call of the dreaded cannibal squirrel-eater - a squirrel that eats other squirrels.
Squirrel Girl: (Visibly shaken, but still standing) No - no problem.  I can still manage with a handicap!
Yujiro: If you're still going against me, you'd better take these.  (Hands over a bunch of dangerous-looking weapons)
Squirrel Girl: What was all that tirade you went on about not depending on weapons for tools?  And where were you hiding all these?
Yujiro: (Looking away) That octopus teacher is more scared of me than I thought.  He's been throwing dozens of various objects my way at my blind spots in the vain hope that he might catch me off guard.  So far, all I'm getting is my hands loaded with dead weight.  Careful with that - that's an unexploded grenade.
(Squirrel Girl's eyes bulge out) (A squirrel hands over a piece of wire for Squirrel Girl to defuse the bomb)
(When Squirrel Girl looks up, she's surprised to see Yujiro carrying a cruise missile with the rocket engine still running)
Yujiro: Hmpf.  He's getting desperate.  (Scratches the words "STOP STALLING" on the missile's side and throws it heavenwards where it's intercepted by Koro-Sensei's flight path)

Saitama: (Reads the rocket message) Better do what he says.  I've been trying to tell you not to bother, and leave him to me.
Koro-Sensei: But that guy scares me more than you can possibly imagine!
Saitama: Rather than focus on him, you should've focused on fighting me.
Koro-Sensei: You mean after this, you still want to fight me???
Saitama: If you'd spent as much time avoiding your homework as you did on doing your homework...
Koro-Sensei: Don't lecture me about responsibility!

Yujiro: (Looks up) Hmmm!  He's doing better than I thought!  (Raises his arms and flexes until his shirt rips, exposing his bare chest)
(Squirrel Girl's Deadpool card beeps with new information)

• When he contorts the face of the demon on his back, that's when he's getting serious!  RUN AWAY.

(Saitama is entering the atmosphere with incredible velocity, catching fire, while still retaining his composure, looking slightly bored)
(Koro-Sensei is looking utterly terrified)
(Yujiro is still smiling maniacally, standing still on the field)
(The impact creates a fountain of dirt and dust spreading everywhere)

Report account of events from Squirrel Girl later:

Squirrel Girl: How would I describe Yujiro Hanma?  Well... how do I put it?  He's a cheater.  There's really no other way to describe him, really.  No, I'm not going to stay silent!  Don't act so nervous!  You're going to hear what I have to say, whether you like it or not!
Interviewer:  (Resignedly) It's your funeral...
Squirrel Girl: When the octopus teacher with Saitama clashed with the Rictus Grin fighter, there was a massive burst, as if somebody set off a dozen charges of explosives underneath for dramatic effect.  On first sight, it looked like both parties disintegrated upon impact.  But the reality of what actually happened was stupider than you'd think.

(Squirrel Girl is carrying several squirrels who are fanning away the excessive dust with their tails)
Squirrel Girl: Okay, anybody still moving?  I know that explosion didn't hurt anybody.
(The dust clears to reveal Koro-Saitama with his fist buried in the Earth, while Yujiro stands several meters away)

Squirrel Girl: What are you doing all the way over there?  I thought you weren't going to move from that spot?
Yujiro: That's what I said. And I didn't - the Earth moved.
(Sees the patch of land Yujiro dug around with his foot)
Squirrel Girl: You kicked your spot away with your heel before Saitama landed?!  That's cheating!
Yujiro: Don't be such a sore loser.  And besides, you've read the situation wrong.  Before impact, I countered by striking a jab, while ALSO making a roundhouse blow.  But even countering that excessive force wasn't enough to keep the unsturdy patch of land firmly rooted to this spot.
Squirrel Girl: In other words, you hit them before they hit you.
Yujiro: Considering how fast they were going, it's a wonder I wasn't blown away further.

(Koro-Saitama pulls his arm out of the crater)
Yujiro: Well, now that we're all done getting warming up, let's move on to the main event.
(Yujiro rushes into Koro-Saitama's zone, executing and trading multiple blows that are easily parried and shrugged off)
Yujiro: Weak.  So weak.  It's amazing how unbelievably WEAK you are.
Squirrel Girl: (Looking puzzled)  I was evenly matched against Saitama while wearing the Koro-suit.  And Yujiro's keeping pace?  Something's not right here.
Yujiro: (turns to Squirrel Girl while still in the volley of trading punches, kicks and feints)  You seem to be misunderstanding something.  It's not that his punches have become stronger.  (Grabs hold of Koro-Sensi's head)  It's that this damned octopus is getting in the way!
Koro-Sensei: I am?
Yujiro: Rather than amplifying your techniques, you're actually Restraining Saitama's strength.  He's worried that if he tries any harder, he'll wind up unintentionally hurting you.
Koro-Sensei: Well, that's rather kind of -
Yujiro: As I said before, WEAK.  A REAL man wouldn't be concerned with surrounding himself with burdensome tools.  (Squeezes Koro-Sensei's head)  If you really want to help out, stand aside, and let this matter be settled between two men.
Koro-Sensei: Gladly!!  (Slips out of Yujiro's hand the instant he relaxes his grip)  Go ahead!  Fight to your heart's content!

Yujiro: (Smirks and raises his arms) Now that all annoying restraints have gotten out of the way, we can finally start fighting seriously!
Saitama: Sure, as soon as you start fighting seriously yourself.
Yujiro: Are you implying I've been holding myself back this whole time?
Saitama: I wouldn't be surprised, considering how mundane your previous opponents must've been.
Yujiro: (Snarling) Coming from anybody else, that'd be an insult.  Honestly, you're not as much fun as I'd hoped you'd be.  You're barely responsive!
Saitama: Yeah, I've been let down so many times from guys who claimed they were the strongest, and then turned out to be total crybabies.  You're not going to run away, are you?
Yujiro: I'm no battle junkie!  I can quit fighting anytime I want to!  I just don't want to.
(Yujiro launches an air-shattering punch which Saitama casually catches)
Saitama: You threw a punch.  That means -
(Yujiro follows up with a kick, using Saitama's clutch on his fist as leverage)
Saitama: (Looks unaffected) I wasn't finished -
Yujiro: (Continuing landing blows) The fight has now officially started!  No backing off now!
(Saitama throws a punch, which misses Yujiro, destroying the mountaintop in the process)
Yujiro: Not bad, but I could do better!  (Plunges his arm in a nearby stream, sending waves that ripple along the path, until they burst out throughout the mountaintop, showering the region in dirt)  Let's see you beat that!!
Saitama: Quit it.  The Earth isn't your opponent, I am.
Yujiro: (Pulls on the grass like it was a carpet, flipping Saitama upside down) Collateral Damage!
(Yujiro rushes in, attacking Saitama's backside, which is being blocked from behind)
Yujiro: For a self-taught fighter who's never been in a dirty fight, you're doing quite well!
Saitama: Thank you, that's quite the compliment.
Yujiro: (Spins upside down) But if it were me, I'd use every advantage at my disposal, like this!  (Kicks Saitama to the ground)
(Saitama recovers instantly, punching Yujiro's midair position... who just deftly lands on Saitama's fist)
Yujiro: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  You're STILL holding back!  (Kick's Saitama's face to no effect)  Don't insult me by taking it easy on me!
Saitama: And I'm saying I haven't started fighting yet!

Koro-Sensei: (Yelling) You guys are both nuts!!
(The two of them pause briefly to look at Koro-Sensei)
Koro-Sensei: It's so easy for you to destroy something.  Creating something of worth is much harder.  Anybody can take a sledgehammer to their ideals.  The real masters are those who chisel their way into submission.  Sure, it'd take much longer to create a masterpiece in the process, but at least you'd have the sense of accomplishing something that'd test the strands of time.
Saitama: Well, that's that.  You win.
Koro-Sensei: What?   Really??? Just like that???
Saitama: I'd never be able to say something that poignant today.
Koro-Sensei: If I'd known I could've stopped you with simple philosophy, I would've talked long ago.
Saitama: Wouldn't matter.  You still talk too much.  So, are you still going to destroy the Earth?
Koro-Sensei: That depends on whether Yujiro'll do that first.
Saitama: Don't worry.  He's not gonna hunt down somebody he just admitted was too weak for his taste.
Koro-Sensei: What about you?
Saitama: He's strong, but I have no real reason to fight him.
(The two of them walk off, leaving Yujiro standing all alone, looking perplexed)

Yujiro: Is he kidding?  Does he think destroying the human body with your bare hands is EASY??  Do you have any idea how long it took me to be able to effortlessly curb-stomp anyone into submission? (Turns to Squirrel Girl) I'm gonna relieve my stress by taking it out on you!
Squirrel Girl: Sorry, but I don't like the idea of being sloppy seconds.  You can tell everybody that you fought against the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl to a draw.  Nobody would ever have to know the truth.
Yujiro: But *I* would know that!!!
Squirrel Girl: Tough nuts.
Yujiro: Well, who's going to suffer my wrath then?!
Squirrel Girl: (Looks at her watch) Just wait five more seconds.
Yujiro: Five...?
(An explosion of dirt erupts nearby, sending dirt and trees flying everywhere)
(Within the debris arises a bulky pale creature with tightly stitched seams all over its body, atop a crimson curved head)
Muscularly Bulky Creature: For too long, my brethren have been mercilessly pounded upon without remorse!  I am Punching Bag Man!  But now, I'll exact righteous vengeance upon the foolish creatures that've relentlessly pounded upon my people!  And it's all thanks to this foolish squirrel who chewed away the seals surrounding my prison!
Yujiro: (Stares with bloodlust in his eyes) YOU'LL DO.
(Squirrel Girl casually watches the ensuing carnage while eating peanuts like popcorn)