Amazing Greys

Much like a large segment of online Webcomic artists who’ve taken an extended hiatus (due in no small part thanks to the pandemic), before making a comeback about their sexuality, so too have I come into a realization about myself.  I’ve recently identified myself as being Asexual.  What does that mean?  It means that when I’ve eaten too much substances such as cake, and my weight exceeds the natural limit, my current form won't be able to contain my mass, so I’ll split into -

What?  That’s not the definition we’re going for?  Too bad.  2 of me wouldn’t be a bad idea.  I’d have someone to do half my chores while the other half lazes around.  But then I’d have to share my space with me, so it’s not as good as it sounds.

Basically, Asexuality can be described as a lack of sexual attraction, much in the way that single-celled cells have no desire to split apart, and are content doing their own thing.

To make matters more complicated, Asexuals CAN feel lust.  They just do so under very specific conditions.  Like if they’ve known the person for a long time and deeply connect and relate to them on a relatable level.  Or if they want to beat off to the latest salacious crack pairing fanfic.  (If I’d known Asexuals could masturbate, it would’ve saved me a LOT of confusion)

This realization doesn’t come from abstinence from sex.  It can come after being pressured from feeling left out twiddling your mitochondria while everyone’s dividing like crazy around you, trying to convince a cell to split.  “C’mon, you’ll LOVE it.”

Anytime 2 couples are paired together, promos go teasing around by asking questions of “Will they?  Won’t they?” and express their outrage of “Why AREN’T they?!”

From MAD’s Real Reasons why the X-Files is Totally Unbelievable

When the default state for romantic couples is ingrained in society, you start noticing it popping up everywhere, even in places where the hookup shouldn’t even make sense.  If you removed the five-second shot where the lovebirds lock lips, it’d hardly change the narrative one iota, especially when they’ve had to condense the contentions of meet-n-greet, getting to know each other, getting used to the annoying quirks, culminating in a connection, all in a single day.  It’s basically a narrative shortcut, and can be annoying when overused.

The thing was, whenever these pairings happened, they always felt forced, and I looked forward to the rare occasions where someone wouldn’t be romantically paired off with anyone.  Like Sheldon in the early seasons of Big Bang Theory before he was unceremoniously paired up with Amy (who originally had no interest in men) because the writers couldn’t conceive of a purely platonic relationship between two like-minded individuals.

There were very few representations of Asexuals, and I would welcome those rare instances when they came, because I found it fascinating.  That Tesla was able to fully devote all his time and energy into research rather than distractible foibles as love was admirable in a way.

The earliest instance I ever saw the theme of Asexuality represented was in a Manga.  Normally, this would sound counterintuitive, since Manga is known for having perverts and characters that are ‘sexier than sex’, but it works for the very first story in Mitsukazu Mihara’s I.C. in a Sunflower, Keep those Condoms Away from our Kids.  In this world, the young populace has suddenly developed a deep disinterest in propagating in the forbidden act of reproduction, the cause of which was... well...

Unfortunate implications surrounding vaccines notwithstanding, Mitsukazu couldn’t possibly know the false correlation between vaccines and Autism that would come up years later, but the power of the story still shines through.  With the majority of youth drained of desire, schools have forcibly extended their boundaries in prompting sex education to be taught with pornography.  As anyone knows, the surest way to deprive interest in any curriculum is to teach it in school.  If a worldwide phenomenon as Pokémon was taught in class, interest would dry up.  It’s not just that the very act of sex is rendered meaningless, but that main character Irori pretends he understands it to keep his parents and principal feel relieved.

This summary fails to convey the sheer power portrayed through a scant 31 pages, but pretty much all the stories in I.C. in a Sunflower, and can’t be recommended hard enough.

Another instance of portrayed comic Asexuality was in Sex Criminals where a side character was able to undergo the *reality-defying* ritual of stopping time by orgasming via an emotional high.  Still I didn’t make the connection.  I thought that Asexuals derived pleasure through alternate means via a kind of braingasm, deriving pleasure through different circuit pathways, much in the way that Jughead gets his jollies from eating hamburgers.  Or solving a difficult puzzle.  Or clearing a hard level.

When my sibling came out as Trans, I supported them as best as I could, listing several recommended comics in support, even as I struggled to understand their dysphoria.  One of which was How to be Ace by Rebecca Burgess.  It didn’t explicitly deal with Trans issues, but I extremely identified with the underlying social issues surrounding Asexuality.  So when I saw the dead tree version that continued from where the Webcomic left off, I immediately rushed to take it, my breathing coming in heaving gasps of excitement.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to read something so much.  I couldn’t until I got home, and started reading it immediately.

It’s a very personal book, and I was struck with the outright honesty portrayed throughout, but it’s not perfect.  Some of the panel layouts are meant to be read downwards instead of across, and it can come across as confusing the first time around.

Halfway through, I read this page and my perceptions completely changed.

For the longest time, I thought that the prerequisite for being Asexual was being totally disinterested in sex.  I didn’t know that someone could engage in masturbation and still be Asexual.  Once that little nugget of information slipped through, a lot of the puzzle pieces left strewn about started fitting together quickly.  I’d never wanted to kiss anyone, and oftentimes thought if I were cast for a Hollywood production or a play, one of my requests would be that I NOT be cast in a romantic situation where I’d have to kiss someone.  (Unless it’d service the plot, like making out with an escapee to escape spies, though even there, I’d probably tuck my lips in)

I’ve never had a wet dream, but I vividly recall what could be described as an anti-wet dream.  In the scenario, there was a young girl who stripped naked and frivolously danced about, displaying her underdeveloped body for all who wanted to see her.  Making herself available to any who wanted to take advantage.  In my dreams, I’m more of an observer, but in this instance, I was a participant.  I took my coat off and put it on her.  It was clear to me she’d been conditioned to wantonly display herself from a young age and didn’t know any other way of being.

In this idealized realm free of consequences where I could indulge any whim I wanted, I chose to be kind.

I lean more towards Greysexual than outright Asexual, being primarily interested in porn.  It may seem contradictory for a self-proclaimed Asexual to be interested in sex, but I’m a fan since so much of it revolves around humour, and I’m a connoisseur of humour in many forms.  So, given that I wanked off to many available material (online and offline), I still felt like a fraud for even thinking that I belonged on the Asexual frame.  (Still do)

From the emotionally devastating Gastrophobia (Pepsiaphobia) story A Good Egg.

It doesn't feel right to take the Ace slang that's normally associated with someone who's notoriously overtalented compared to his teammates.  That, and when I hear the term, I think of the Manga Aim for the Ace, even though the current generation hardly even knows it exists.

Even though I like consuming pornography, I have no inclination to openly engage any physical relationship with someone I don’t know.  Even communicating with someone I’m familiar with is an uphill struggle.  Being Asexual is very different from the toxic online base of incels (involuntary celibates), who feel entitled to have sex, having it denied to them, and rant against those who won’t share.  I’m not sex-repulsed, I’m touch-averse.

So much of what passes for sex in a relationship revolves around communication, seeking out insights of little cues of what sensitive spots excites your partner, anticipating their needs and meeting them.  And being both deaf and Autistic, I simply would fail to meet those requirements in making the other party feel appreciated.

From My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness

As of now, I’m in the trifecta of invisible disabilities; Deafness, Autism and now Asexuality.  Though it shouldn’t be too surprising, since the LGBTQA+ rate is 2/3rds higher among Autistics than other groups.

Also, I don’t like the Asexual flag, despite liking the colours black and purple.  It just looks so... drab.  Though some artists have managed to make the colour combination work.  (Can be easily mistaken for the ‘Attraction to Women/Femininity’ flag, where the lower colour is pink instead of purple)  I much more prefer the Greysexual flag though - it’s symmetrical.

While there isn’t as much implied bias towards Asexuals, there’s still an underlying distrust towards them along the likes of Transexuals and Bisexuals.  Trans for betraying their side, Bisexuals for playing both sides, and Asexuals for being on neither side.

One thing that struck me once I self-identified as being Asexual was how much Asexuality was a part of my stories.  I never had any inclination of putting any romance in them, which freed me up from thinking up convoluted ways for people to be together, apart or whatnot.

I even developed an erotic fanfic based on Julius Zimmerman’s drawings (most of them centered around Jessica Rabbit) which focused on a girl, Jean R. Rikk (generic) attending Moorehead High who would be exposed to a litany of titillating erotic exploits about her busty cartoon classmates.  And then in the last two chapters, the whole narrative would turn on its head after she found out she was Asexual.

This is the most SFW image he’s done.

A potential symptom of being Asexual should be that you think about characters along those lines more than most people do.  To describe me, one of my favorite coming out comic bios could’ve just as easily been retitled The Times I knew I was Ace.

"People might think that everyone starts out in a closet until they're ready to 'come out.'  The closet could be dark and scary or quite roomy and resemble more of a clothes rail.  But what's funny for me is that I didn't even know that there was a closet - or that I was very much stuck inside it."

Here’s a segment taken from a chapter of my WebNovel Sweet Sick Teen (kind of a warped pregnant Alice in Wonderland that doesn’t emulate any inspiration from the Lewis Carol classic) of a dialogue between the unnamed Girl and the Pale Boy as a take that on YA books that specifically devoted on romance over the political ramifications of the story.

Trans Form

Apologies for not updating my blog in a long time.  I’ve been preoccupied with working on my WebNovel.  But I’ve also been struggling with other personal issues.  I didn’t want to reveal this until I was given permission to do so.

In February of this year, my sister approached me with a secret that she’d been hiding from our family for the better part of a year.  She was extremely nervous about telling me, and only decided to share it with me, even knowing that I wouldn’t pass judgement on her.

The revelation that she identified more as a man, a gay man, and still found men attractive.

This was both surprising and unsurprising.  My sister had never really adhered to feminine standards, tending to shun typical girl’s activities.  The girliest toy she had was a My Little Pony, back when ponies looked like horses, and a barbie doll still in the wrapping.  (She hoped there’d be demand for that particular doll, racking up resell value, but that probably only applies to boy’s toys)

LGBT issues had become prevalent in media recently.  Elli (formerly Thunt) of Goblins fame recently came out as transgender, which certainly explained her sudden inset of depression, causing the comic to go into a year-long hiatus.  I never thought that our household would become part of that statistic.  We never think it’ll affect us until it actually happens.

What worried me upon hearing the news was that I might not be as tolerant as I first thought.  I’d been so used to the idea of having a sister, that having a sudden brother filling in that role was a drastic change.  (Especially given how much we fought as kids)  But as soon as I saw my sibling, those doubts faded away.  As long as I didn’t get tangled up on gender expectations and pronouns, it was no big deal.

The main problem was that I would have to acclimate myself in referring to her as a him, and use he instead of she.  It’s easier when it’s someone I haven’t been associated with for years.  That, and I still feel the need to call him by the old nickname of Chant, than Adam, his chosen male name.  He said that I could still call him by that old nickname, since it was gender-neutral.  Though he didn’t like my usage of Sie, Zir, and other experimentative alternate gender terms, which surprised me.  I have problems with the collective noun "They", since it’s using collective nouns to describe a singular.  even though I have trouble with using collective nouns to describe a single person.  Saying “They did it!” while pointing to a crowd can be extremely confusing.

This common complaint was something recently pointed out in Robot Hugs, who is also Trans.  The author has posted honest personal accounts, and devoted their artwork and stories to feminist causes.  The title sounds like it comes from the main character having their feelings invalidated to the point of feeling like a robot.  The actual truth is something different.

What surprised me was finding out that Transgender people routinely change their names, feeling that their old name causes physical pain.  That it was on par with being called the N-word or having a pebble in your shoe.  I had no idea that there was so much stigma attached.

One thing I worried about calling my sibling by his new name was saying his old name before remembering, thereby calling him "Chadm".  It's one thing if the new name is close to the old name (Joe/Josephine, Karl/Caroline) but such a radical change takes some getting used to, even with repeat practice.  Though, upon first learning about his preferred name, I naturally replied, “It’s like I don’t know you from Adam.”

And there was the subject of what their child was going to call him.  I approached several suggestions, ranging from a planned (but never developed) story idea involving a girl who had two mommies, and would shy away when they kissed, because that was “mushy”, and call them Mother and Mum.  But my sibling objected on being called “Father”, since that sounded too formal.  I went through the range of early baby sounds, of Ba, Da, and Ma, rejecting Muda for being too memeable, and suggesting Dumas, in praise of Alexander Dumas.

Only recently did they finally reveal my sibling’s change to their child, and the mother would be called Papa, and the father would be Daddy.  The child’s response was, “Is Daddy going to be a girl?”

My Brother-in-Law, has been remarkably supportive of his decision, even though it can’t be easy on their sex lives.  The common refrain in getting married is that “You won’t be losing a daughter, you’ll be gaining a son”.  In the same token that he wouldn’t be losing a wife, he’d be gaining a husband.  But I don’t WANT a brother - I want a sister!  And I’m sure “Daddy” feels the same way.

It’s kind of like the inversion of DAR! - a Super Secret Lesbian Diary, where the autobiographer identified herself as lesbian, then wound up marrying a man anyways.

In a way, I can kind of understand why he doesn’t want to be a woman, even if I don’t identify with the reasons for doing so.  There’s so much maintenance involved.  The constant application of makeup, choosing the right kind of clothes, beautifying oneself just to meet an impossibly expected standard.  And keeping that up on a daily basis is too much trouble.  So much time can be saved without having to care about looks.

On the plus side, it’s given me the excuse to introduce him to two genres that I’ve been obsessed with that deal with gender - the indie game Undertale, featuring a gender-neutral protagonist, and the cartoon Steven Universe, the show about Gay Space Rocks, NOT to be confused with Land of the Lustrous, the Anime about Gay Space Rocks.  (LotL also has the cardinal sin of having the majority of Space Rocks have similar body types, which makes telling them apart difficult.)

When it comes to portraying boys who want to retain girlish quantities, well, there are far more accounts of those in number.  But when it comes to showing women who want to be men, that figure drops dramatically.  Sure, there are instances where females have disguised themselves to enter male-dominated territory, but I can’t think of any where they actually wanted to be a man in the process.

There’s an excellent comic about how it’s fine for girls to like boy things, but distasteful for boys to like girl things.

It's easy for me to identify with women, but it's far harder for me to identify with Gender Dysphoria. I’ve tried to read several autobiographies surrounding the issue, but my mind start wandering.  The closest I came to was skimming through Trans Mission: My Quest to a Beard by Alex Bertie, which had the benefit of having pages filled with enlarged text.  Despite getting into people’s heads and reading their innermost thoughts, I could never really relate.  But I greatly identified with Being Ace, a memoir comic about being Asexual.  Probably because the concept of being bewildered by the overwhelming daily barrage of sexuality greatly appealed to me.

The irony was that I oftentimes took out books dealing with gender identity without realizing my sibling's internal dilemma.  One of which was Super Late Bloomer.  In fact, I only lent that to him because I wasn’t too enamoured with the other gender identity comic books on the subject.  But now that I know about his condition, I felt the need to show him the books I once thought wouldn’t be appealing.  If there’s one thing I take pride in, it’s finding comics relating to any subject, no matter how obscure.

Super Late Bloomer: My Early Days in Transition by Julia Kaye - These comics were first available online in gag-a-day diary form and then collected later.  A simple three-panel Newspaper daily comic and the most approachable introduction of someone getting acclimated into the new world of transitioning.

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe - a recent publication I pre-ordered as a birthday present, featuring the gradual mental process of a young child raised by hippie parents trying to figure themselves out.  It’s probably the closest thing that relates to my sibling’s experiences growing up.  A sample can be seen here:

Appelez Moi Nathan (Call me Nathan) by Catherine Castro and Quentin Zuttion - a French book that I found by sheer chance, and features a lesbian teen who grows increasingly upset about the obtrusiveness of hir breasts, and wonders how everybody else can possibly be fine with them.  What most struck me were two symbolic NSFW double-page spreads, one where the protagonist is overwhelmed, drowning in a sea of breasts, and the other where sie has the mental image of tearing hir own breasts off, just to feel relief.  It manages to say a lot with very little.  There are large blank spaces surrounding the watercolour pictures, but there’s an intensity of emotion within these drawings not seen elsewhere.  I sincerely hope this gets translated sometime soon.

Honor Girl by Maggie Thrash - I wasn’t expecting much with the silhouette cover and simplistic childish drawings, but the authentic scenarios and convincing dialogue drew me in, and I leisurely absorbed it, not wanting the experience to end.  And once I finished the personal outing, I reread it again, which is something I rarely do for books that demand slow reading.  The closest this comes to trans issues is when the titular character becomes more confident after imagining herself as one of the Backstreet Boys.

Gumballs by Erin Nations - I didn't know what I was getting into, and the subject came as a complete surprise.  I mostly skipped over the single-page character profiles.


Part of It by Ariel Schrag - a collection of short comics throughout various ages of Ariel’s life.  I particularly liked the ones about her gossiping on the bus, and her time spent teaching children.  The longest story involves her dilemma over a pair of glasses.  This mainly deals with Lesbian subtext, and the author has gotten in some trouble about a novel of hers.  More details at the end of this post.(*)

Interestingly enough, both Gumballs and Part of It make a passing reference to Stand by Me, saying it was extremely influential during their formative years.  It could be a coincidence, but maybe it’s because there are very few emotionally honest movies about boys.



The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang - a parable about a Prince who wants to wear dresses, and his personal Dressmaker who willingly obliges to his request.  Despite the lush drawings, I thought my sibling wouldn’t like it, but he excused the ending, saying that it was a Fairy Tale.

Family Portraits - an online collaboration effort between multiple LGBT artists, sharing their personal experiences.  Also ne of the few instances of a girl transitioning into a man, and something I thought would be presumably relatable, but wound up being pretty forgettable.

Witch Boy and The Hidden Witch - done by Molly Ostertag, the same artist of Strong Female Protagonist, but I wish the writing was better.  I wasn’t a big fan of the constant put-downs of the titular boy for wanting to delve into the “forbidden” realm of magic only solely restricted to women, despite having the soul of one.

Flocks by L. Nichols - an autobiographical comic where the lead is presented in the body of a Puppet with button eyes.  Apart from that odd dissonance, this book suffers from being extremely repetitive.  The puppet in question is constantly beset by disturbingly hateful comments from the Church, feels bad, and cries all the time, feeling extremely confused.  This goes on for pages and pages.

First Year Out: A Transition Story by Sabrina Symington
This was one of the first Trans comics I read, and I wasn’t a big fan, because I felt the dialogue felt stilted and artificial.  I felt that it could've been done better.  It might work fine as an introductory issue, but not much else.  I gravitate more towards works that contain multiple topics of interests with trans issues being just one of the subjects

It’s the same problem I had with Bingo Love, a romance between two Christian girls rediscovering each other years later.  The artwork was well done, but the narrative felt extremely wooden and the exposition was clunky.  I Wanted to like it, but the execution fell far away from my expectations.

It’s as if these Trans people, given the chance to express their experience in a meaningful way, find themselves unable to articulate themselves so, their self-esteem having been ground into the dirt.  As if their self-esteem was tied in with being misgendered for so long.  As if they’re too timid to fully broach the subject that they’re extremely close to, offering up insecure platitudes that don’t feel honest about the personal issue.  It’s a shame, because they’re the ones most closely associated with the subject, and can give honest insight that wouldn’t be available elsewhere.

For the most part, when it came to alternate comic representation of gender norms, you couldn’t do better than Manga, the gateway drug being Ranma ½.  There were other notable titles such as Futaba-Kun Change!, Your & My Secret (Released by ADV, then picked up by Tokyopop, and annoyingly enough, the last volume was never released), Genshiken II, and, the Moto Hagio story X+Y in A’A Prime.

Yet for their willingness to explore gender-bender stuff, it hasn’t always knocked my socks off:

My Wife is a Man - Something I thought would be relevant to my sibling, featuring a man dressing up as a woman, and her husband still loving her all the same.  Instead, the two of them were gay lovers before, and Yuki only transitioned into dressing up as a woman later.  And rather insultingly, the wife acts too stereotypically female.  Yuki has no other identifiable traits.

Wandering Son - one thing that particularly bugs me about Fantagraphic’s version is that they constantly divide the title from the page it shows on, leaving large singular textless pages.  Another fault (that the artist admitted) is that many of the characters are hard to tell apart.  And the sparse minimalist dialogue doesn’t help much.  Also, the English publication has stopped at the 8th volume since 2015.

My Brother’s Husband - has a brother dealing with his Gay twin dying suddenly, and having to deal with his foreign husband who's Canadian to boot (given the artist’s propensity towards bear men). The Manga does a good job of showing the living brother's discomfort, and trying to overcome personal biases.  But it feels like fluff in parts, and I felt the second half never really delved into the mental conflicts, and only skirted the issues.

Too often, I become alienated when the stories I read devote their time in taking the subject matter too seriously.  I find that comedy works well as a coping and identifying tool when used appropriately.  Such is the case when it came to titles such as Magical Girl Boy.  It might not strictly apply, since like Ranma, the titular character doesn’t enjoy changing genders.

I also highly recommend the webcomic Never Satisfied, with a trans lead, and characters who respect xheir decision.
During the serialization of the last chapter, I was obsessively reading past pages over and over, delving their content for potential clues as to what could possibly happen next.  Sure, you can read what happened now in one sitting, but waiting for the next page was exquisite torture.

I much more prefer it when transitioning or awakening sexual identity as ONE of multiple background elements, such as the Lesbian plot in Jason Lute’s Berlin, or the Reeducation Camp in the 9th issue of the survival comic, No Mercy.

(*)
In the time that I recommended Ariel Schrag's comic, I later found about her novel, Adam, a problematic book that was made into a problematic movie.  It seems counter-intuitive that someone who wrote about growing up as a closet Lesbian that she would have a teenage boy pretending to be transgender to get into a Lesbian's pants.

It's a shame that someone who wrote so honestly about her own experiences simply wasn't able to get into the mindset of someone else different from her.  Better she should've stuck with what she knew, rather than pigeonhole Bisexual and Trans issues in a RomCom setting.

Although the LGBTQA community is supposed to rally everyone under a single banner, there's a lot of discrimination among those ranks.  Gender confusion should be common grounds, and yet, some groups condemn others for "infringing on their property."  In the comments, it was pointed out that:

"Bisexuals are unfairly outed for being unfaithful and not "sticking to one side". 

"Lesbians can be passionately transphobic and biphobic if they see the existence of those other groups as a threat to the legitimacy of their identity." 

"I'm still trying to figure out how this resulted from a lesbian writer and a trans director. It's like if a black guy made Birth of a Nation (the first one)." 

"There are some lesbians who have an 'I got mine, F you' attitude towards the rest of the LGBT+ community. I suspect that Schrag is one of them."

Despite the problematic elements of Ariel Schrag's novel, I still felt the need to include her comic it if only to show the similarities in taste of Stand by Me.  Her earlier work, Likewise, is leaden with dense Cerebus-style text crowding the pages.  In other words, DON'T support Adam, but at least check out Part of It.  Support the works that are deemed worthy.

Pregnant Pause

Just a few years ago, the limit for humanity seemed to be 5 billion.  Then it was raised to 7 billion, and now, even 9-11 billion doesn't seem like much of a reach.  When my sister got married, I respected the fact that they chose not to have a baby.  The Earth already had too much of a population explosion, and another kid around the house would be more trouble than it's worth.

That, and I didn't want to share attention away from myself.

But then five years later, some kind of Biological clock switch suddenly flipped, and my sister decided to join the ranks of the statistically deprived.

While this doubtlessly made my parents happy, this news filled me with an air of impending doom.

My sister is one of the few people that I connect well enough to share my inner thoughts with, and can have meaningful conversations with over shared interests.  Having a baby around would mean she'd have less time to spare for the extra library books I take out for her that I think she'll really like.  Not to mention having a toddler in the process of growing up would wind up damaging the numerous comics that I've helped accumulate for both of us.

My sister, in all her glory, before bloating up.

But mostly, it's because I'm phobic about babies in general.

A close-up of my sister's unique shirt...

I've always dreaded being in the presence of children, because their sudden movements are too unpredictable and uncontrollable for me to react.  Furthermore, my number one fear is that I'll do or say something that could potentially corrupt their impressible young minds.  As much as they might look up to me for my sense of humour, my lifestyle isn't exactly something they should strive to emulate, since I'd be simultaneously the most mature and immature adult they'd ever know.  I'm more a model for a cautionary tale than anything.

Which looks a lot like those foam fruit protectors.

Assurances that I'll be a wonderful Uncle aren't very reassuring.  I have no experience in that field, and doubt that I'll overcome my anxiety anytime soon.  Just because women have been having children for generations is no excuse for my naive inexperience.  One of my guiltiest fantasies regarding babies is to hang around the paternity ward during a lightning storm, and when asked about the gender (is it a boy or a girl?), to cackle maniacally, and proudly proclaim, "IT'S ALIVE!!"  Scenarios like the above is why I shouldn't be trusted around children.  (Not that I relate to anybody within my age group anyways)

You can't look at these apples the same way anymore.

The plan was to keep my sister's pregnancy a secret until she revealed the big news on her social media.  However, the influx of hormones in her system made her continuously tired, and she wanted to draw a picture commemorating the moment, but kept putting it off.  At this point, keeping her bulging belly from being noticed is getting harder to ignore, and is pretty much general knowledge by now.  To make up for that oversight, I decided I couldn't wait any longer, and use the picture she drew on the card, commemorating her announcement.

(Chant - if you want to switch this self-caricature out, now's the time)

Even at this stage, I'm not 100% certain that the baby won't turn out to be flawed upon delivery.  Every expectant mother lives under the illusion that their babies would turn out perfect, but there are so many things that can go wrong.  It could be premature, it could be stillborn, it could be handicapped (my sister and I were both born Deaf), it could suffer from any number of potential death-related injuries or undergo a fate worse than death.

Some women cry when they hear their baby's heartbeat.  My sister took the opportunity to record the sound of the baby's heartbeat instead.  That's just an indication of how much things have changed since the old days.  People have become so accustomed to taking selfies they're now attempting doing them while driving, when the previous distraction worry was just texting. It's only a matter of time before someone decides to take the ultimate selfie by capturing their birth via cellphone.  Future hospital dialogue would likely be in the vein of "I - ugh - I can see the head!" all while holding the instrument of vanity aimed at their privates.  That'd be an unfortunate home video quite difficult to explain for any unsuspecting soul who'd find it.

On the plus side, my sister's deafness has the unintentional advantage of being unable to hear her child's overnight cries.  That should make sleeping much easier for her.

Even so, I compiled a list of universal constants that, baring a sudden shift in evolution, should withstand the test of time for... a decade or two, assuming humanity lives long enough to survive past then.

You'll attempt to show your favorite children's movies (and pre-screen the latest releases to ensure they're suitable for your kid), but the things children get scared of may not be the same disturbing things seen on the screen.

Your kid will be a constant purveyor of TV shows and movies that'll be watched repeatedly, beyond the scope and limit of what you'd consider reasonably acceptable.

Your kid will not believe that there were novelty comics / books / cartoons / movies that were better than the current stuff, and that the people who created such timeless classics are dead, or about to be dead.

Your kid will develop its own interests, which will drive you nuts, since you'll get repeat requests for toys along those lines.  If you can't provide, you'll have one unhappy customer.

Your kid's interest in these various forms of entertainment will reach fanatical levels that will last a lifetime, or peter out and die, once they've gotten used to the formula, and move on to more stimulating things.

Your kid will suss out the plot points to many old TV shows and movies that existed before their time, in order to catch up on many pop-culture references.  Either through osmosis, word of mouth or a general promiscuity for spoilers.

You will struggle to maintain your opinion from the "helpful" influence of well-meaning friends and family members, who may have conflicting ideas of how to best raise your child.

You will be continuously astounded by how smart and stupid your kid is; retaining astounding amounts of trivia while remaining remarkably ignorant on other issues.

You'll struggle to wrestle your child's attention away from the shiny allure of latest technologies, which they'll instinctively master.

You'll attempt to shield your child from the harsher realities of the world.  Up to a certain point, this will work, but eventually, your kid will find out these things, whether you like it or not.

Your kid will be an adept mimicker, aping aspects of its parents... up to the day it'll rebel and enthusiastically decide NOT to follow in your footsteps.  Enjoy it while you can!

Your kid will ask questions you won't have answers to.

Your kid will attempt to keep secrets from you.  Chances are, you'll find out about these secrets yourself, and you'll be split on deciding to play ignorant, and let your kid think they pulled a fast one on you.  If the situation is serious enough, you'll want to confront your kid over these issues before they become a blown-out problem.

You'll also have to learn about deciding when to give your baby reins of control over your lives, and when to put your foot down, no matter how painful it may be in the short term.  Being a parent means setting rules with boundaries, making sure those rules get enforced, and that there are consequences for breaking them.