Wednesday, September 14, 2011

P for Pika


(The setting is a dystopian dictatorship with lousy lighting. Utop a few tall buildings flicker a TV screen with a warbling voice upon a distorted screen)

TV: And now, some words of wisdom from our all-seeing all knowing Leader.
(Monitors show a masked man with a large eye)
Leader: Fellow citizens! I see before me, the greatest nation on Earth! Remember, speaking ill of our system only invites reprisal from our enemies. (Puts finger to face) So shhhhhhhh.

(During the announcement, a woman in a trenchcoat approaches a solitary man with a determined look on her face)

Woman: Pssst... Wanna buy some comic porn?
Man: Do I really look that desperate?
Woman: No, but everybody’s got their fetish and I need the money.
Man: What do you got?
Woman: The usual - straight stuff, lesbianism, some loli, shota, and Yaoi.
Man: (Man reaches into coat pocket)
Woman: I’ve also got hardcore stuff. There’s dickgirl stuff if you’re a closet homo. I’ve also got bondage stuff and snuff stuff...
(Man casually holds up badge)
Woman: ...and rape stuff, and I’m under arrest aren’t I?
Man: Selling pictures of minors is a Capital Offence. However, doing unspeakable things to minors is still legal. (Puts hands on woman’s arms)
Woman: Let me go. I’ll scream.
Man: Go ahead. Who’s gonna listen? (Crowd of passerbys turn their heads)

(Mysterious Man with large hat & cape taps plainclothes policeman on the shoulder) Excuse me, is that girl bothering you?
Man: Not now. You’ll get your turn when I’m finished - Leader! What are you doing here? Weren’t you just addressing the nation?
(Mysterious Man puts hand on masked face) I wasn’t. (Presses mask to policeman’s face) And I’m not.
(Policeman stumbles about, struggling with one-eyed mask glued to his face)
Man: What is this?? Get it off!
Mysterious Man: Look, fellow citizens! It’s your beloved leader among you!
(Passerbys start paying attention) What?? The Leader? Where???
Man: No, I’m not -
It’s really him!
I want a piece of his clothing!
Back off! He’s mine!
This is for raising taxes again!
Let me have your babies!
(Mob descends on policeman)

(Atop a nearby building)
Woman: You saved me. (Looks in awe) Who are you?
Mysterious Man: I do not have a name. (Turns to show his smiling face) You can call me “P”.


From bestselling author Moore Urasawa.*

(Detective Flinch addresses the Leader with the news of the assault)
Flinch: The attack on the policeman left him in critical condition. From the amount of damage given, 60% of your citizens love you, 30% disagree with your tax rates, 5% want your clothes for souvenirs, 4% want to eat your flesh and 1% want your babies.
Leader: Any word on the assailant?
Flinch: Only that he’s a lunatic in a yellow mask.

From the writer of Slashmen,

(P leads Slothero down a hall of doors)
P: Do you remember this? Room I... Room II...
Slothero: No... not this again...

A tale of rebellion

(Outside a residential house)
Sharper: ‘Allow Bob, we’s bin herring ‘bout yer finanshal transackshons.
Cordon: What? I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
Sharper: Thot’s oshaeme. D’yeh nae longar truss mae nae longar?
Cordon: Speak slower. You’ve got an incomprehensible accent.
Sharper: Nottin’ doing eh? Fairenov. I’s’ll jest set mae beck tae deh daer.
Cordon: Did you say door? Do you want me to open it?
(Stabs sword into Cordon through the door)
Sharper: Toodle-loo, pip pip, an’ Bob’s your uncle.
Cordon: Now that I understood... (slumps)

One man against the system

P: Room 50, Room 71...
(L is hanging upside down)
P: Sorry, I meant Fifty-one...
Slothero: Please stop... no more... mercy...

With Truth, Justice,

Flinch: Did you get a good look at your assailant?
Victim: I have no idea. It all happened so quickly, I didn't even realize I'd been knocked down until I noticed the wall I was leaning against was actually the floor.
Flinch: So, it's safe to say you didn't get a chance to see his face?
Victim: Oh, I saw it, alright. I was wondering how he was running on the wall, until I noticed how much trouble I had getting my gun out of my holster.
Flinch: What about your other men?
Victim: He just touched them once, and they all fell like a ton of bricks. That demonic face will haunt me for the rest of my days.
Flinch: Was it a yellow mask with a silly smile?
Victim: I've never seen anybody move so fast. He moved like greased lightning.

And Anarchy for all

P: Room Ninety-Eight... room Ninety-Nine.

Slothero: Room 99? But that means... you’re the man in...
(Slothero collapses on the floor in a puddle of sweat, his face red from exertion)
(P stabs Slothero with the edge of his stick)
P: Well, drat.

P for Pika

(Inside a dark interrogation chamber)
Interrogator: It’ll do you no good to keep resisting us. Now, can you tell us where Codename “P” is?
Woman: That’s easy. He’s the guard behind me, wearing a rubber mask.
Interrogator: Showing resistance, are we?
Woman: You’re a tape recording aren’t you? You can’t change tracks immediately if I say something not according to the script. I’ll bet there’s nothing but silence until the next speaking threat.
Interrogator: ...
Woman: It seemed a little too convient that someone would capture me just as I was planning to kill someone. The government isn’t that efficient. And furthermore -
(P knocks her out)
P: I’ve simply got to find myself a more gullible woman.

Coming this Summer.

(Detective Flinch puffs pipe, holding a file)
Flinch: It’s a Pikachu, Leader.
(Leader looks on, with a curved finger on his mouth, looking pensive)

*Loosely based on the movie by the Wachowski brothers.

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