Monday, November 7, 2016

Trumped-up Depth Charges

It's the eve of the American election - a day we thought would never come.  To celebrate the deadline of an apprehensive date, here's the last batch of Trump commentary I made on Facebook for the (hopeful) foreseeable future.  For the first time, I've embraced the rigors & pains of Election Addiction,
and have no idea how I'll fill in my free time with no new insane news to look forward to.
Trump: Yeah, well, who'd want to go out with you?!  You're a total One on the hotness scale!  A real Zero!
--An unused line for my flawed theory that Clinton & Trump were having an affair.
If you've already made up your mind about Trump, the following recaps of comments made in the past three months won't change your mind much.  However, erring on the side of caution, here's a page full of links.
"I don’t care if Hillary Clinton is corrupt. I don’t care if she lies, if she cheats, if she eats bowls of newborn chipmunks for breakfast.
She is literally the only thing standing in the way of a fascist dictator becoming President of the United States with a Republican majority congress that guarantees he can do anything he wants and nothing will be able to stop him.

Every time we think Trump hits rock bottom, he brings out a backhoe, that he only paid the contractor half of what was promised.  It's less of a trainwreck, and more like watching MULTIPLE Train Wrecks, Plane Crashes and Earthquakes converging onto a single place where an elderly man attempts to light a match around a gas leak.  There is a moral event horizon, and the shark has long since passed it.

When even Charlie "Tiger Blood" Sheen thinks Trump's gone off the deep end, that's a sign that maybe you've gone too far.  Betting pools must be having a HELL of a time trying to fill in every potential slot, and laughing all the way to the bank as the last possible thing they could ever think of happens.

EDIT - It's painful, but the election has against all logic and reason, sided with the most racist toxic Presidential Candidate over a more stable platform.  Someday, we'll look back at our shortsightedness and laugh, but not right now - it's still too painful.  More after the cut.
For a while near the end, there was some general tension when it looked like the email thingie that Hillary Clinton had been found innocent of, came up again via some leaked copies of emails from another server that wasn't even hers... that ultimately led to nothing.  If it was a runaway cause, it wouldn't be a nailbiting election without some neck-and-neck equal opportunity action, where each side is capable of winning.

After a strong lead, the media decided that in order to drive up suspense and make this a close vote (because a runaway success doesn't drive sales) by going from 50%-38% to 47%-45% (WTH?).  My hope is that the narrowing of the polls  is just a direct result of so many of the pollsters voting early that Clinton's numbers have fallen in comparison.

And yet, haters & trolls remained ultimately convinced that Hillary was nothing less than the pure incarnation of the Devil herself, her accomplishments notwithstanding.
Why did Clinton lose the debate so badly?
she lost it when Trump said that his 10 year old son Barron could stop the 400 pound guy from hacking the cyber.
or maybe it was when he bragged that he did not pay taxes.
or maybe that part where he said he would stiff sub-contractors for work they had completed.
or maybe it was the part where he said that beauty contestant gained a massive amount of weight.
there are so many places where she screwed up, you can just pick any one.
she's dead meat.
oh, i forgot the main place where hillary totally lost it: when trump after the debate pointed out that his microphone was defective. she should be ashamed.
she's over. done. stick a fork in it. the god emperor has vanquished her.
lol. he could skip the last two debates and still win in a landslide.
she's history.
Fun fact - the ratings for the first Clinton/Trump debate was so high that they actually outnumbered porn searches.  The true nature of a good attention-grabbing story is when they can grab your hearts and minds more than your crotch area. Sure, most of the hornier pervs out there (you know who you are) would go straight to the fap material once it becomes available. But the consummate customer is the guy who wants to know What Happens Next.  And then, afterwards, Trump decided to raise those numbers by suggesting looking up a nonexistent sex tape.  I'm sure there's a correlation in there somewhere...

What helps is that Clinton is more willing to poke fun at herself than Trump is.  Rule of comedy - every double act requires an outspoken funny man, and a straight man. And Clinton is as straight as you can get.  (Double-Entendre intended)  For all her competence, Clinton's rivals were constantly looking forward to her inevitable righteous jailing for daring to be too ambitious.  Rudy Giuliani (who had close ties inside the FBI) said that he looked forward to seeing Clinton in an Orange stripesuit.
Considering Donald's makeup, and the constant outcry over Minstrel Shows, Orange is the New Black.

Expectations for Trump's overconfidence in being able to dominate the debates fell apart when the two of them actually faced off, converting over die-hards who'd written her off out of sheer spite.
"Hillary is the WORST possible Presidential Candidate we could possibly get!"
*Sees results of debate*
"Alright, SECOND-worst."
If Clinton was a man, her qualifications wouldn't be in question.
For all her killer burns during the three debates, Clinton kept holding off doing any outright Finishing Moves, since Trump would be more effective staying in the field than off.  Not that the Republicans would be able to replace him with Pence (as much as they'd like to - too late for that) let alone Trump openly admitting defeat.
"If ONLY we'd nominated Pence for President!".
"Wouldn't Trump have shot him down in the primaries?"
"Quiet you. Let me bask in the realm of what could have been..."
This is the same strategy the Generals used during WWII. They held off outright assassinating Hitler, because his strategies were so counter-effective that he wound up HELPING them, and replacing him with someone actually competent would've been dreadful for them.  When your enemy is making a mistake, Don't Correct Them.

When Trump uttered under his breath during the second debate that Clinton was a "Nasty" woman, she ran with it with a symbol of pride, under the banner that "Bitches get things done".
"Stop being so proud for using my insult! You should be paying me a copyright fee every time you use it!
When the DNC ran their convention shortly after Trump's disastrous fiasco, he was reduced to begging voters not to pay attention to Clinton's speech, and devote time back to paying attention on HIM.
"Okay, so the DNC's getting higher ratings than the RNC. What can I do to swing attention back to me?"
"No, sir, please..."
"Set up a press conference! I've got a few choice things to say that needs saying!"
(Pleading glance around room) "Somebody, please stop him!"
(General looks of hemming, hawing and discomfort from bystanders)
"Okay, now I... hey YOU! Turn that camera back on! Don't think I haven't noticed! I want all cell cameras and selfies to include me from now on! If I'm not in the picture 25/8, then you're gone!"
(Hanging head) "Heaven help us all..."
"Good to see you all. I have a few things I'd like to say..."
*Trump's Razor in effect here, because collective imagination fails in capturing reality*
"Well? Did it work? Did I get attention back on me?"
(Slumping head to floor while sitting in chair) "Boy, did it ever."

Despite these failures, Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway even wanted to go so far as to have a FOURTH debate.
"The first three debates were just practice! The fourth debate is where Trump would really really show off his negotiation skills."
For the most part, Trump liked the Primaries better, because he wasn't being challenged over every little thing he said.  Instead, he preferred traveling to Blue states with a White majority population, rather than States where he could make an actual difference.
"You've got to change your strategy. Clinton is making a conscious effort to convert flipable States over to Democrat. And once they switch parties, they're not likely to switch back."
"Alright then. I'll go tour the most Democratic States! See how they like it! And I'll shill my products in the meantime!"
"Have you not been listening to a word I've said?"
"He heard you. He just didn't know that you wanted him to go elsewhere. You've got to make conscious decisions for him, from a limited set of options. I'll show you. Trump, Baby!"
"Who loves me? You do."
"That's right. Which do you prefer? The red tie, or the blue?"
"Red, all the way. Blood. Angry young men."
"Which dress looks better on me? Brown or black?"
"Basic black. Night. Muslim voters. Immigrants."
"Which winning State do you want to go to next? Texas or Miami?"
"See? You just have to limit his choices to reasonable bite-sized numbers."
*Facepalms head in lap*
The best part of Evil Empire.
 And when Trump says something outrageous along the likes of suggesting that his followers practice their 2nd Amendment rules on Hillary, or that Russia hijack Hillary's email, he and his supporters brushes these remarks off as joking or being sarcastic.  Saying that highly sophisticated minds couldn't appreciate their special brand of humour.  One wonders how he'd react if faced with similar accusations...
"Emails? What emails? You can't prove anything! You need to find them first in order to accuse me. Sad! Also..."
"Somebody just sent us some anonymous copies."
"Those are fakes! I deleted all of mine! Including the backups!"
"So, you did remove your emails?"
"I never said that! That was all Hillary's doing! This is Cruz's doing! Go after them, not me! They probably didn't even pay their hotel bills! Sad!"
"What about your bill..."
"My costs aren't as big as theirs! Mine is bigger! The biggest and best! Emails! Mexico! Walls!"
"Should we stop him?"
"Nah, let him keep digging his grave."
"N-word! Rapists! Putin for Life!"

Ironically enough, Trump received Death Threats from his own supporters for daring to downplay the possibility of toning down his immigrant deportation strategy, which'd be closer to Obama's...
"If your opponent doesn't do what you want, you can practice your second Amendment rights, know what I mean?"
"That said, I have some modest reform proposals regarding immigrants, as lovingly fleshed out by Obama..."
That was basically the hole Trump'd dug himself into.  He spent so much time playing up the threat of immigrants that when he tried to tone it down, his followers raged against him, leaving him little recourse but to double down and press harder against anyone who'd dare oppose him.  A strategy that'd worked so far, since everybody pretty much backed away from his rants.  Which led to the infamous attack on the Khan family where Trump accused Khizr Khan, the Muslim father of a War Hero that he was on the side of the terrorists.

First comment:
OK did this mentally deficient Teletubby just suggest that the reason Mr Khan doesn't like him is because Trump wants to stop terrorists coming into America? Is that the implication here because that's how I'm reading it and I really need someone to tell me that this walking douchebag with an anus for a mouth didn't just suggest that the father of a dead soldier is upset that there won't be more terrorists.
Which is more likely? That the Khan family are Muslim agents, or that Trump is a Russian sleeper plant?
"You have sacrificed nothing."
You know how there are inefficient sympathetic villains along the likes of Wily E. Coyote? Trump may be the first inefficient UNsympathtic villain.  In addition to stiffing his workers and staff, Trump apparently also declined to pay for his own hotel room.
"Nah, don't worry. You know I'm good for it. As long as the service is prompt and the room service is timely, I'll be paying back your hotel's worth in the millions with the business I'm bringing here! My presence alone is worth the value of my stay! It's Win-Win-Win!"
The only way Trump can rise himself up is by bringing everybody else down with him, so he'll look better in comparison.  When the twin towers fell, he bragged that his hotel was now the highest structure in New York.  Classy.
"My towers are the best in town! No terrorists have ever taken residence, or tried to drive trucks, planes, trains, or submarines into it."
I shall Destroy all the Civilized Planets! And I shall make America Great Again!
Turns out his time-honored method of making money comes from saving big bucks by never paying his staff.  Including the hard-working members of his campaign trying to keep his numbers afloat.
*Disclaimer - you may or may not at any time or ever, be paid for doing your jobs at any foreseeable point in the future. Maybe if the wind is right, and you're willing to accept less than minimum wage.**
**Minimum Wage from Third World Countries***, working for pennies a day.
***Russia & China are our friends.
His shakeups may have brought a breath of fresh air, but it also created an air of uncertainty, since you never knew if your job was going to be safe or not.  With so many departures from the RNC, there was some concern over who would be able to do the heavy lifting for the platform.
"Who are we going to use to do our work for us?"
"Sir, we can't do that."
"WHY NOT?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!?"
"Well, if we hire outsiders, we'll be accused of letting outside forces dictate how our Government should be run, rather than ourselves."
"Hmmm. Well then, hiring Russian immigrants shouldn't be that much of a problem."
"Joking. I was joking. Can't you take a joke?"

Apart from seeking closer ties with Dictatorships, Trump engages in more bridge-burning with countries he could use for allies.  His consistent plan of building a wall bought & paid for Mexicans was shot down by the Mexican President just hours after their surprise meeting.  It was basically a case of He said, He said.
"Well, I think that meeting went quite well. I managed to keep my cool, even as I was saddled by an inefficient interpreter. El Presidente certainly warmed up to me, and seemed quite accepting of my ideas. He clearly recognizes a worthy camaraderie in arms when he sees one."
"Sir, your latest foreign political friend just posted a tweet, saying he'll never pay for your wall."
"As I've been saying all along, you can't trust women interpreters."

His lack of world relations is such that he clearly has no understanding of how NATO works.  He figured that if America was attacked, all other countries would just sit back and watch TV rather than try to help them.  Best comment:
So basically he wants to turn the United States military into some kind of mafia-like protection racket:
"Hey Estonia and Latvia, you were late on last week's payment. The Boss is not pleased.
Nice (Baltic) neighborhood ya got here.
Be a damn shame if something were to happen to it, you know what mean?
And the same goes for his attitude towards the Military.  For as much as Trump lamented Clinton for revealing her plans to the enemy, Trump seemed incapable of keeping his classified meetings with Military Intelligence in check, tweeting what he'd learned the second he left the room.  The only secret Trump seems capable of staying silent on is his Tax Records.
"We can't tell Trump any Military secrets! He'll just twitter whatever we have to say the instant he leaves the Black Ops room!"
"Here's an experiment. Reveal some information that's already out there, and see how he deals with it."
"Hmm. Sounds like a solid plan. Let's go for it!"
(Five minutes later)
"Sigh. You can't win."
Assuming the leaked data was true (and not deliberately falsified to test Trump's - hah hah - secrecy limits), the consequences wouldn't be felt unless there were any second-hand deaths resulting from this. We'd just have to wait for the next unfortunate American souls ready and (un)willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.  If Hillary's being held according to her emails, then Trump should equally be held accountable for his, but of course, that won't happen.

When there was a minor altercation in Nice, Trump said that it was enough cause for a World War.  This is a man whose first response to any perceived threat, no matter how mundane is to want to go straight to WAR on any country in trouble.
Sir, we've had a traffic altercation in one of the First World countries - "
"Don't you want some more details or - "
"Sir, we're getting reports of unrest in the Middle East - "
"Sir, there's some overseas trouble in - "
"Sir, there's talk about forming a Union in - "
"Sir, there's a little girl who's - "
"Sir, we're running out of soldiers to send off on the numerous Wars you've announced."
"Sir, that's not really - "
"Sir, Vladmir Putin's recommending a show of restraint on your part."
"Give him a letter of commendation of thanks for praise, and that I'll continue to be an inspiring role model as he is."
Trump's manner of speech is so incompetent and incoherent he'd be unable to answer any of the basic questions in the Immigration test.
"How many states are there in the U.S.?"
"The Constitution has how many articles...?"
"If you had twenty dollars, and you gave me seven, how much money would you have left?"
"Thirty-five. Plus tax."
"Complete as much of this quote as you can. 'Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses...'"
"...and the homeless out of my high-rise hotels!"
"Who is the current President of the United States?"

...and skated by in never outright answering any questions.
"Mister Trump, what position will Rodger Ailes have in your White House?"
"The BEST positions. He'll have such a GREAT position you won't believe it! He's such a great man, and I'm grateful to have him on my team."
"You have no idea what available positions are in the White House, do you?"
"Of course I do. What are you, a loser?"
"Alright then, name ONE."
"Well, the position in the White House, if one is available, which there surely will be, since I'll be undergoing a massive shakeup of the cabinet, which will getting rid of the old guard - too many ugly people - and then replacing them with better people. Pretty people, like my daughter, who I really like. She's got - "
(rambling speech condensed for the sanity of the reader, and the questioner, who's been standing in the corner for five minutes, waiting for Trump to finish)
"...which would be the greatest wall you've ever seen. The Greatest."
"Yeah... but... you didn't answer my question."
"What was it again?"
"...I've forgotten."

And then there was the time Trump wanted a crying baby thrown out of his rally.  His only saving grace is that he didn't actively THROW away said baby with the bathwater. When that's considered your highlight, your ceiling for approval has gotten so low it resembles a cellar floor more than a roof.

In addition, Trump spread his tolerance by insulting another handicapped celebrity, a Deaf actress who he accused of being retarded.  He probably figured she wouldn't be able to understand what he was saying.

Trump managed to get ahead in life by always implementing The Secret method, that by imagining the best possible outcome to any scenario, he could make that a reality.  That includes inflating figures and a perchance of never ever admitting that he's wrong, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.
"Shouldn't Black Lives Matter apply to the Central Park 5?"
Another failing point was Trump's trying to appeal to the Latino vote by making the same sales pitch he gave to his radicalist followers:
"Guys, I understand your pain. And the best way to appease your pain is to BUILD A WALL to keep those dirty Immigrants and Mexicans out, who are RUINING THE COUNTRY, know what I mean? I understand your struggle. Believe me."

One of the many amusing low points was the claim that being lenient on immigrants would lead to a surplus of Taco Trucks on every corner, which was more of a selling point than a demerit.  The implications might've been that these trucks were trafficking more than just tasty snacks, but also dealing drugs on every corner.  If that was the intent, then it got lost in the shuffle.  Not to mention that it wasn't that far removed from the reality of having a Starbucks on every corner.  Spouting the dangers of innovation & free enterprise sounds contradictory if you're only counting on the special interests of corporations.
"Mexicans! They're coming, and putting Taco Trucks on every corner! Threatening our Fast-Food industry! With shoddy inferior products! That don't taste that great! And these are our best friends!"
"Maybe they'll be second-rate bootleg tacos made with inferior products?"
For some reason, this inane remark (NOT quoted by Trump) caught on like wildfire, having actual Taco Trucks outside Trump's Campaign Headquarters.
"Do you want any tacos?"
".......I'll have four."
"That'll be $20.95."
"Here's $5 and change. Think of this as an investment on your portfolio. Spreading the word will only increase your value later down the line."
"Nice try. I'm still gonna need the remaining $15.90."
"Dude, I was Born here."
You can make passionate rational speeches to appeal to the voter's intellect that'll fly over their heads... but appealing to the stomach - the core of emotional reason - that's going to strike a chord.
Macho Macho Man... I wanna be a Macho Man...
No, you've got the lyrics wrong. It's Nacho Nacho Man... I wanna be a Nacho Man...
Then there was the time that Trump had an Economic team made up of no women, but six men named Steve.
"I've got a great team, the Best team! The team of Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve and Steve."
"No women?"
"What are you talking about? Steve's a woman's name too!"
(Skeptical look) "Really??"
"Of course! There's Stevania, Steverella, Stephen... you get the idea."
(Blank stare)
 But the killing move may have been when he was caught on a recording, saying that Trump liked grabbing women by the crotch.  That convinced as many as a dozen women to come out who claimed that they'd been sexually harassed by Trump at one point or another.  Claims that Trump downplayed and dismissed, despite openly admitting that he indulged in such behavior himself.
"See, there are all these videorecordings where I DIDN'T assault them. I just gazed lovingly at their attractive forms, trying to best figure how to make them look better. They could use some breast implants, they could stand to lose some weight. At no time do you see me grabbing them by the pussy, no matter how much I wanted to."
One account went as follows:
"Now, I’m a tall, strapping girl who grew up wrestling two giant brothers. I even once sparred with Mike Tyson. It takes a lot to push me. But Trump is much bigger—a looming figure—and he was fast, taking me by surprise, and throwing me off balance."
"She compared me to Mike Tyson! Saying I was better than him! That should be a plus!"

If that wasn't enough, Trump wanted his women staffers to pose nude for Playboy.  Probably so he could release the pics when his ratings (I mean polls) nosedived again.  At one time, Trump called his latest trophy wife a monster and a blimp.
Best comment: "Now, I wonder if Trump supporters are going to criticize Melania for standing by her man, like they did Hillary for standing by Bill."
To make matters worse, Trump once gave Bill Cosby advice on how to handle women.  The allegations became so numerous that it'd probably be easier to list the times when Trump DIDN'T treat someone inappropriately.
"Alright... to save time, everybody just click where on the doll Trump touched you, and we'll tally up the average."
To get an idea of how disposable Trump is of women, Howard Stern once got permission to call his beautiful daughter a sweet piece of ass.  If his daughter's a fine Piece of Ass, then it stands to reason that we should call Trump an Ass.

If nothing else, this election can be boiled down to a fight between extreme Machomism and Feminism, as evidenced that men see as business as usual while women are going out in droves to counter what they see as a highly perceived threat aimed at them.
Man: Hmm? This year's election? YAAAAAAWNNN... It's totally normal. Nothing interesting's happening, same as always.
Woman: You're kidding, right?

A side-by-side poll showed that if only women voted, Clinton would win by a landfill, while if only men voted, Trump would win by a small margin.  So then, the solution was obvious - BAN WOMEN'S VOTES!!  And Make America Great Again.  So I was surprised when they actually considered my joking reply seriously.

As long as we're pointing out double standards, remember when Trump called out looking for a nonexistent porn video of a Beauty contestant?  A perfunctory search result found that Trump himself actually showed in at least three Playboy videos.  (Fully clothed, thank goodness)  Noteworthy comments:
"Let's also not forget that Trump posed for the cover of Playboy, which is apparently such an honor that he still has it framed in his office, which you can see behind the photos of himself meeting with religious leaders looking for their endorsement." 
"It's Soft porn.
So appropriate for Donald. He never does anything hard." 
I guess we'll have to look up other porn videos to see if he shows up in them, as well. 
"If Hilary - a woman - was found to have made a similar appearance IN A PORNO it would be on the front page of every news media outlet and Trump would never, ever stop bringing it up. She would be relentlessly shamed over it, treated like a slut, mocked, her marriage would be brought into question; it would be a field day were the roles reversed.
If Clinton's accused of constantly using the Woman Card, then Trump's overplaying the Man Card.

As usual, Trump's more interested in making a profit from his campaigning than actually doing any promotional material of his platform.  (It's difficult to expound on your plan when you don't have one)  He went by selling out-of-print signed copies of Art of the Deal... despite his book not really being out of print.
"And I have autobiographies of Harry Houdini, signed on November 1st!"
Thus far, Trump's spent more money on hats than on polling.  Certainly money well spent.  And just like his other business ventures, he's lost over $100 million on the election,
So, you've lost $100 million on this election so far. (Opens wallet) Wanna go double or nothing?

But that's nothing new, since Trump lived off not paying taxes for 20 years even after he lost a billion dollars. It's like he never learned the lessons from Citizen Kane. How much new media is THIS Modern-Day Howard Hugh going to influence? And will any of them stand the test of time?
Kane: You're right, I did lose a million dollars last year. I expect to lose a million dollars this year. I expect to lose a million dollars *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to close this place in... 60 years.
Trump: It takes money to lose money.
For all his bravado of gaming the system to his advantage, it was actually his accountants who managed to find the loopholes in the system.  Loopholes that were exploited relentlessly and then when nerfed later, used as excuses for Clinton being too lenient, despite not being able to do anything about them at the time.
"I employed the bestest brightest people to work for me. I ARE SO SMART."
"That's not the correct punctuation."
This late into the game, Republicans and donors who'd backed Trump up so far were asking for their money back.  HAH!  Good luck.  Haven't you paid attention to how he treated his contractors?
"Get in line. I'm sure you'd be willing to settle for half, otherwise, we'd be tied up in the courts, and you wouldn't want some... unfortunate secrets to come out, would we?"
Even as he kept berating his Republican opponents via an unorthodox manner, reluctant hanger-ons played on the hope that he would be capable of change.  The number of people he was attracting was looking very favorable, and they bent themselves over backwards to accommodate his needs.  They were stuck with him now, and couldn't back out, even if they wanted to.  If Trump was unwilling to even consider embracing strategy that might make him perceived as weak, why would he bother switching tactics now?  That kind of chutzpah goes beyond Trolling, and into RickRolling...
Never gonna give up, never gonna let you drown...
Never gonna desert you and give the runaround...
I'mma gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye...
Never gonna hurt you and ever tell a lie...

Then the RNC decided to cut funding for their Presidential Candidate - probably a little too late.
"You can't bail out on me now!!! I need more money! More money to invest in my busi - uh, success!!! If you pull out, I'll sue you for every cent you've got! And any you'll earn in the future! It's my right!"

All his whining and complaining somehow managed to convince the ears of millionaires who were going so far as to support Trump with surplus revenue for ads, even knowing that he'd take the money and run.
Running low on funds? Having trouble making ends meet? Can't provide food on the table for your starving family? Can't afford to buy bullets to protect your defenseless family? Just invest in Drumpf stock! Your reputation and stock will skyrocket!"I was once a lowly homeless man, until I saved up enough beer bottles to invest in Drumpf, and now I can afford a 33-room apartment high rise!"
The more money you invest, the more money you'll earn! And it's all yours for a low low entry fee! Most bargains would start off with bargains to attract lowly customers around the $1000-$10,000 range. But we're a high-risk investment company. We insist that your starting fund be nothing less than a measly $1,000,000 a day. That's mere peanuts compared to what you'll get back!
"I'm a successful businessman, very famous and very rich. I passed over the Drumpf stock, thinking it was just another pyramid scheme. Now, I'm regretting not getting in some of that action!"
Don't miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! The longer you wait, the more unlikely you'll be able to take advantage of the deal of a lifetime! Invest in this stock, and you'll never have to worry about anything ever again. Believe me.
(Not associated with the Trump foundation whatsoever)
(Would we lie?)

And when Trump DID bother to showcase his ads, his early attempts were mainly focused on him, more than the opposition.  By itself, that's not too out of left field, but...
"Clocking in at just 28 seconds, it is a collage of silent footage of Trump’s speech at the Republican Convention in Cleveland on Thursday. As the images cut in and out, the words onscreen say the following: '75 MINUTES TOTAL SPEECH TIME,' '24 MINUTES TOTAL APPLAUSE,' '33% TIME SPENT APPLAUDING.' (Which is wrong—it's 32 percent.) The screen fades to white, and then the Trump-Pence logo appears.
"Compare this with Hillary Clinton’s latest ad, called 'Dear Donald Trump,' which features a collection of regular folk—a small child, some women and some men, all of varying ethnic backgrounds—lecturing the Republican candidate about how his ideas and values are not representative of their own. Clinton herself does not appear." 
"Making America TRUMP'S Again!"

Even before his disastrous convention, Republican senators decided to skip going in the first place.
"Sorry I can't attend. I have to wash my hair." -some bald dude.
Also telling was that Pence tried to play up the Nice Guy angle, like a battered wife saying that her husband was actually a better man, despite his daily beatings.
"He's actually a really nice guy in private! Honest!"
The first hints that Trump didn't really understand the process was when he approached the election campaign with the same logic as Late-Night Radio, by riling up his fans with ugly rhetoric that'd make them angry and spiteful.  I'm gonna post the Facebook commentary this inspired, because it's an observational breakdown that reveals so much.
"The people who were offended were people we wanted to offend."
The fact that they put this much strategic thinking into that tweet confirms so much of the worst of what we thought of them. There was some plausible deniability in the fact that Trump really is so impulsive it's believable he might be eating a taco bowl and randomly decide to tweet to The Mexicans. Worse still to know that ALL WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN. 
I'm not being sarcastic or rhetorical here.
Like, honestly, what was the "win" condition?
"YES!!! We've pissed off one of the most essential demographics that we'll need to court in order to win the election! VICTORY!!!"
Oh my God, Trump thought the presidency was like the WWE championship belt, didn't he?
He thought he was going to win it by generating HEEL HEAT. 
In short? YES. This is ACTUAL LITERAL GAMERGATE LOGIC. Victory is determined by the extent to which you can deploy the U MAD BRO gif. It is TROLLING and NOTHING BUT TROLLING. Pissing off large constituencies by attacking Gold Star families? Kid stuff. Getting everyone riled up by TWEETING YOUR LUNCH? Holy crap, that must have been the greatest moment of the entire campaign for Trump and maybe of his entire life.
At its core, this ENTIRE THING is about getting back at Obama for trolling him at the Correspondent's Dinner.
Seriously, by trolling standards Obama at the 2011 WHCD is the all-time MVP champion. Obama completely shut down the birther movement, made Trump look like a complete doofus in public, stood up there and grinned the whole time doing it, and SIMULTANEOUSLY KILLED THE NUMBER ONE FUGITIVE IN MODERN HISTORY. Trump was so pissed, so COMPLETELY emasculated -- I believe the alt-right has their own word for it, which I'll allow you to fill in here -- that he is burning down the Republican party and is actually willing to risk burning down the WORLD just to get back at him for it, even if by proxy through Hillary. And the worst part is, not a single word of that was hyperbole.
He has convinced himself so thoroughly that "trolling + adulation = VIKTREE" that he almost literally CANNOT COMPUTE the existence of polls that say otherwise.
... Goddammit, I want it to be Election Night RIGHT NOW, just to see his stupid face. 
I want to see him spew bigoted slurs like he's having a Tourette's fit.
All that impotent rage. 
He's going to call for violence. At this point I expect him to ACTUALLY ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO TEAR UP THE STREETS.
Because it'll be like Election Night 2012, only BETTER. That was a case of an entire party unskewing its way into denial. The Republican party is not quite so starry-eyed this time around. Going into that Nov. 8 this year, Trump and his closest staffers will be the ONLY PEOPLE ALIVE who don't know he's losing. He's going to be re-enacting the Alternate Biff scenes of BTTF 2 as he watches the results. There will be at least two or three broken TV screens at Trump HQ. 
We should all do shots at ECV moments. 
Honestly, at this point, if Trump loses by a landslide, I think Priebus is going to take him aside before his concession speech and tell him, "I have a sniper who will murder your entire family if you start any shit." 
Trump even said that he'd never ever forgive his voters if he lost the election.
Being Mr. Popular doesn't mean making yourself Public Enemy no. 1.

Rather than focus on his election, Trump wanted to devote his energies to promoting Trump TV, where he'd expound on his Right-wing views considered too extreme for Fox TV. ...and just like every other venture he's gone into, upon seeing that he's not attracting the viewing numbers he expected, he's already looking to get out of it.
In other words, even Trump doesn't want to watch Trump TV.

The only reality show that'd be worth the audience's attention would be seeing a Prison Drama reality show.
Trump, the Prison Show! Watch him in his fall from grace, into his minimum-security cell, bribing guards to give him his high-quality Trump Steaks within the confines of his silk-stitched padded cell! Now on sale for the low, low price of $1,999,999.99 each! Down from a discount of $49.99! Hurry! Orders are first come, first served! And they're going fast!
Of course, that may all become a moot point if his brand name has now become so toxic that the mere mention of his name drives potential customers away in droves.  Instead, the previously-Christened Trump Hotel would be better known as the Scion hotel.  Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue does it?
So, after getting the rights to The Elderly Protocols of Trump, they reverted it back to the Protocols of Scion?
Trump's son said that any other potential position would be considered a step down compared to the lucrative role of President.
"Why settle for being President when you can be King?"
Another tic of his is taking credit for other people's accomplishments, such as his claim that he would've killed Osama Bin Laden before the 9/11 attacks.
"I would've punched Hitler before the Holocaust! And I would've done it too, if it weren't for my wounded ankle!"
And the man simply can't seem to do a single business deal without miring himself into a scandal that he digs himself out of via another scandal, such as when he paid off the Attorney General from investigating his fraudulent schemes at Trump University.
Trump: Here's a generous contribution.
Investigator: ...And I'm proud to say that there's no conflict of interest to be found here whatsoever.
And the reason for his video deposition in the Trump University case wasn't to be released publicly was that it would hurt his presidential campaign.
"We strongly object to releasing this video, because it might ruin our client's chances at being elected.  And we'd like to be paid for our services. Preferably before the polls open or close."
Putin (who Trump keeps claiming he has no ties with) said that Americans should "Vote Trump or face Nuclear War."
I think there's a translation issue there. It should be "Vote Trump AND face Nuclear War."

Then there was the time Trump tried to appeal to the LGBTQ crowd by unfurling a rainbow flag of support... that had the colours backwards.
Obviously the work of VIB G. YOR.
But then, you have to forgive him.  After all, remembering the acronym order for their preferred sexuality group is nefariously difficult.
"Yeah well, I don't need all you guys. I'm doing quite well with my devoted fanbase rather than you LG - LT - BLT - LMNOP, whatever. It's too hard to remember all those letters. Christie, get me a quarter pound of beef with cheese, two slices of bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles & mayonnaise on a sesame seed bun."
That's the biggest difference between Trump and Clinton.  On one side, you've got a privileged white male who's had everything handed to him from birth, and managed to wriggle out of the stickiest failed business deals with sheer trickery.  And on the other, you've got a woman who's fought all her life to prove she's just as capable as anybody else, despite years of being pushed down beneath the class ceiling, and that her opinions shouldn't matter.  They dislike her for doing her homework, doing copious amounts of research not just on policy, but also on her opponent's potential reactions, what triggers would most upset him, and what'd make him tick.  In other words, Hillary Clinton is the equivalent of Hermione Granger, a half human/Wizard girl who spent every waking moment focused on the magical world, which, if we had the chance to deal with something interesting, we WOULD.  (See Pokemon f'rinstance)

Fans have made the Clinton/Trump comparison a competency fight between Hermione Granger and Lord Voldemort.  Though personally, in reality, it's more like Darklord Lockheart.
I always thought that a quality Boggart would be a Voldemort with the personality of Gilderoy Lockhart, all amicable and charming, hanging his arm around Harry's shoulder, even while accidentally melting people's faces off.
The worst part of such a creature - how could you get rid of it?  Their weakness comes from being made fun of.  How could you make a Volde-Lockhart more ridiculous than it already is???
Harry would be traumatized for life if he had to face a Voldemort with the personality of Gilderoy Lockheart. Instead of straight-up loathing, he'd be put off by Lockmort's genial "best buddies" behavior, the killer of his parents putting his arm over his shoulders, and casting "accidental" spells that are WORSE than the three forbidden ones. (Removing all the bones from a body, fr'instance)
And when they'd have to fight, it'd be like following formalities in keeping his DeathEaters in line. "Dreadfully sorry about this, old boy, but I have to keep up appearances, what, what? Just put up enough of a fight, and I won't make your death too excruciating, okay?"
Somehow, in the wake of the leaked Clinton emails (that weren't even HERS - seriously, if anybody can clearly explain what she did wrong that she deserves to be locked up for, go ahead)  Trump managed to remain silent on the issue.  His platform manager, Ann Coutler who'd been trying her damndest to keep his reactions under wraps seems to have succeeded, only by finally finding every spare phone he'd been hiding around the place, texting his toxic views whenever the need strikes.  And preventing him from texting anything until the election's over.
Somebody needs to covertly mail Trump a new burner cellphone, FAST.

Just recently, Obama called Trump out to verify whether his staying off Social Media is a result of his staff keeping his grubby itchy twittery fingers away, since if you can't count on someone to keep their impulse control in check, how can you count on them to keep their fingers away from the shiny Nuclear button?

For all their reliance on shadow supporters of a silent majority who're too shy to speak out about their choices, the reality is that the most arvent Trump supporters are already very vocal, and the Republican senators with their supposed reluctant backing of Trump, are actually planning to vote for the opposition instead.
"Trump supporters are a generally loud and opinionated lot. Surely there MUST be some quiet fans who are too timid to speak up and join the bandwagon?"
"I openly support Trump and his opportunistic way of handling business... and plan to use those very same strategies by stabbing him in the back at the height of his vulnerablity."
To further pound on Trump's pride (since his shame is nonexistent at this point) none of the previous Presidents are planning to vote for him, including the whole Bush family.
"I don't need HIS vote! An ex-President who threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister and got into Iraq the first time? And his loser son got into a loser war sequel that I was totally against! And I beat his other weaker loser son in the primaries! Sad! I don't need deadbeat votes! I'll accept votes worthy of the TRUMP brand! Votes from people like you and me! long as they're willing to pay a surcharge beforehand."
When asked about whether he'd be able to accept Clinton being elected, Trump went into another one of his lengthy word salads that I had trouble comprehending, since I was feeling pretty tired at that point.
Fortunately, the moderator asked Trump the question again, hoping to clarify his position.  To which Trump replied,
"Wait and see."
Supporters have made their defense for Trump in saying that his remarks were just his being sarcastic or telling jokes again, which is ironic, since it's a variation of this old adage:
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell you later.
On the plus side, any Republican who openly and unironically supported Trump will now have this albatross hanging over their necks for backing such a racist misogynist xenophobic candidate won't be able to bury those righteous views as easily.  Those who rescinded their choices will be handled lightly.
Top comment: "Trump is no War Hero. I respect people who weren't caught... on tape."
Others, less so.
"Slavery? Women's Rights?? Pfft. Those were mere trivialities compared to the unconventional threat facing our country. Supporting Trump is the only truly defensible mark we can make to counter the direction our country's currently taking. Mark my words - history will vindicate our decision."
(After presumable Clinton landslide)
"I never supported Trump in any way whatsoever, and you can't prove any of it."
"We have you on record saying -"
"I DELETED ALL OF THAT!!! You weren't supposed to find those!!!"
When there was a Pro-Trump protester at a Democratic rally, Obama went out of his way to give the man some space, and let him have his say as a war veteran.  You'd think this display of free speech would be a rallying agreement point for the opposition, but oh no, Trump couldn't possibly rise up to that level of class.  Instead, he reacted to the level of attack, projecting how HE'D react to a perceived protester.  Which isn't too far removed from how he figured Clinton wouldn't be prosecuted if SHE shot someone.
"You saw the President, right? He was practically beating down on one of our supporters! Yelling him and beating on him off the stage! And all cameras were on him, not our Trump supporter!"
"Oh, crap. After a week of silence, he's gone back to his old bad habits of pivoting from his talking points to attack his perceived enemies."
"Anything we can do to stop him?"
"Hmmm... that guy over there looks kinda suspicious..."
"Gotcha. On my count, move in. THREE."
And then, there was what was perceived as an assassination attempt, which turned out to be an anti-Trump protester reaching... for a sign.
Best comments:
Very curious to see how this plays out in the media the next day or so. Obama's speech gets a Republican protester, and he handled it with the utmost respect and class.
A protester at Trump rally, and his crowd immediately freaks out and jumps him. And then he turns out to be an anti-Trump Republican!
Speaks volumes.
The only way to beat a bad guy with a sign... is with an even bigger sign! I prefer mine 100% recycled from baby seals. I then #spiritcook it (as we liberals do) for max rigidity.
An early tally of poll results found that 10 out of 11 public polls had Clinton in an early lead.  In fact, while Trump managed to trail or come neck & neck, he never came close or overtook any of Clinton's supportive numbers.
"Ten of the Eleven... that means the last one MUST be greatly in favor of me! Quality over Quantity! That's the Trump brand motto!"
Trump's popularity had plummeted so sharply that his Hollywood Star Walk of Fame had been vandalized.
Great. Now he'll have to go back and redo his square all over again. With Gold-plated lining and Diamonds, so no one would ever dare put their unworthy hands on it ever again.
"Why didn't the other Celebrities have their stars crushed? There are plenty of others who are far more deserving of having their names rubbed out, if you know what I mean."
Trump told his minions on Thursday he and HRC were in a "dead heat" in the polls, he meant to say he was "dead meat" in the polls.
Considering his staggering incompetence, it's a wonder Trump even managed to stay on the polls in the first place.  In some instances, Trump almost wasn't on the ballot in some States.  Sadly, those oversights were caught... only for Trump to be on the ballot twice in California.
"I'm running for the Republican nomination AND the Independent vote! Double the entry means double the win! It's Win-Win!"
"Aren't you worried about voter fraud?"
"Not if those votes are in my name. Go back in line, and vote for me five, ten, dozens of times if necessary."
That is, unless those numbers were going over to the other side...
"Early voting? That's clearly Voter FRAUD! These poor deluded fools may be casting their wrong choices early on, when they might want to reconsider and take their decision back. Those customers - I mean voters can then cast their ballot for the RIGHT man, who won't rain righteous wrath all over their heads."

It's one thing to accuse the opposition of voter fraud when the polls closed.  It's another to suggest voter fraud early on when it looks like you may be losing.  And it's something else entirely to tell your supporters that Election Officials would throw away their mail-in ballots.  Trump can't even tell his fans how to vote PROPERLY.
"We only accept Quality votes around these parts! Votes from high-ranking celebrities are worth like, MILLIONS of Votes! Votes from lower plebeians like you lowly serfs are just worth one apiece. If you want to make your vote count, become a Celebrity First! And the fastest way to achieve that status is to SUPPORT TRUMP!!!"
An even bigger consequence is that Republicans who've dared to use common sense against Donald Trump risk alienating their base.  And these loyalists who greatly identify with Trump seek out to damage these protesters by only electing Trump, and ignore the other Republican candidates vying for re-election.  And all this attention on voter fraud is actually bringing up attention of governors caught in the act of throwing out thousands of legitimate votes.  If Trump hadn't brought the subject up in the first place, officials wouldn't have paid attention.
We are leading in every poll!We won the debates!Saw it on The Google!Women love me!The blacks love me!Hispanics love me!How could I be losing?But when I doIt was a rigged election. 
As thus, a Judge had to rule a restraining order to prevent having voter intimidation at the polling booths.  Y'know, just to make sure that there's no influx of cheating and voter fraud at the polls, which ironically enough, seem to largely consist of Trump voters.  But apparently that's not enough, since they're apparently hoping to appeal the restraining order.
Best case scenario - they'll continue vetting for an appeal after Wednesday, hoping to make it in time for Nov. 28th.

In the end, a lot of people are looking forward to the end of the year with a mixture of relief, dread & apprehension, what with all the surprise deaths taking place throughout.
Season finale? I'm thinking series finale.
I heard the next season is going to be all kinds of wild and crazy stuff. If you thought this season jumped the shark in ways you didn't think was possible, the next season... but then, I've said too much.
So far, the most outlandish prediction I've heard if Clinton loses, Trump would pardon her for any and all crimes, which will taint her forever by preventing exoneration.  That's thinking Trump has more Machiavellian brilliance than he has in him.

Watching this election if occurs to me that we might have taken the idea that "anyone could become President" a bit too far.
"Want to become a bully who kicks sand in the face of 98-pound weaklings who can't protect their more attractive girlfriends? Invest in me, and you too can become just as rich and powerful like me!"

The question ultimately boils down to: Who do you trust your daughter to be alone in an empty room with?  Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump?

"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a woman's boot stamping on Trump's crotch — FOREVER."

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