Archie Made Worse in Context

In my tribute to Archie out of Context post, SmoochfestBikiniz asked, “What comic book has the story above where Archie says he is gonna do something and there's hearts all around them?”


































Normally, I wouldn't oblige, since the general policy of Archie out of Context is not to provide reference or explanation for the source of the stories, since explaining what happened would take the fun out of the panels. However, I’m willing to make an exception in this case, since pretty much every panel in this comic can be taken out of context. It was a toss-up in choosing which panel to use, and I chose the above, from the third page.

















So here’s the basic set-up: you’ve got Archie and Betty in a comfortable location all alone, casually kissing each other, Archie acting as stiff as a statue in response to Betty’s advances. Here, he’s just staring at her, not even bothering to close his eyes.


















All of this is being observed by Dilton Doiley who’s excitedly using a computer system - not just any computer, but an Archie Instant Replay System!© (A.I.R.S.). A computer that's devoted to the complete analysis of Riverdale's most popular redhead bachelor. Just another typical day in Riverdale. Wait - it gets weirder from here.























In the very next frame, Archie is suffering from fireworks going off in his head, even though he's acting like the lights are off and nobody’s home. Meanwhile, Dilton is replaying their every thought while monitoring their mating habits.












Nope, nothing potentially creepy there.












It’s that For Science! phrase that really sells this scene here, and was almost my first choice for an AooC, but I didn't want to reuse images from the same comic. I was planning to release it with a bunch of other unused panels, but decided to wait at least a year before showing them so I could let others have their turn.


































You can pretty much put the pieces together from these panels and finish the puzzle yourself from here. After a sudden rush, Dilton decides this is the perfect moment to sit back, relax and let nature take its course. Again, this is not intended to be creepy at all.









Betty is practically begging Archie for release here. Hence the burning question; will Archie give in to his basest desires? Will Archie plunge into unknown depths previously unseen?




















Don’t be ridiculous. This is an Archie comic we’re talking about here.













Of course, that doesn’t stop Dilton from trying to veer things back into makeout territory again. All Archie needs is a little “push”. Literally.












To recap, you’ve got a nerd who’s got access to two teenagers most private thoughts, is capable of manipulating their hormones, and recording their every action for posterity. If this were anything other than an all-ages comic, this could’ve gone somewhere else very squickly very quickly.

If this were a dating sim, Dilton would’ve gotten the lukewarm Bad End outcome. The fact that he's more interested in his research than any potential hanky-panky suggests that the boy isn't exactly right in his head. Equally hilarious is how this "advanced" computer manages to shred his clothes even though he's stepping quite a distance away from any potential sparks that could set his suit alight, much like those exploding consoles from Star Trek. Apparently, it's unable to comprehend the ramifications of a teenage libido within the constraints of a children's comic. This was at a time when a computer the size of a warehouse meant something else entirely.























Normally, I don’t like Al Hartley’s drawings, since they’re so full of off-model Archie characters and shocked expressions with flashes around their heads that distract me from enjoying the comic. This was before I found out he was later involved in Christian-themed comics with their own warped mentality issues. (Go ahead, look them up) Ironically enough, when he’s drawing normal people, they come across as looking perfectly natural. As a born-again Christian, one wonders how Al Hartley feels about finding subliminal messages in the very comics that he created? Especially the tamest ones?

BC’s Last Fling

Five years ago, Johnny Hart died one day shy of the Easter date, which would’ve been a fitting day for him to expire, given how much devotion he paid for Christianity later in life. However, just before the millennium, he created what could be considered his last daring burst of spontaneous creativity before passing onto his mortal coil.









Peter had always made claims of wanting to do conclusive proof that the world was round, but these usually faltered out before they ever started. But in 1999, he finally embarked upon a lengthy trip that would encompass a voyage across the ocean across the continent to the new world.









Sadly, these are the only Saturday daily strips I have available. My paper chose this unfortunate time to replace the daily BC strips with The Boondocks, leaving me to brave browsing the internet for online BC comics for the first time. Upon further hindsight, I really should’ve saved those relevant story strips when they were being run, but I kept procrastinating, convincing that I could “do it anytime I wanted”, and that the archives would be up for eternity. Besides, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep them or not. Judging by the quality of the following strips here, the results are decidedly mixed.

















Further adding to the mix was that while life continued on as normal for the rest of the guys, there were various Sundays that were devoted to Peter’s mission. In addition to all these changes, Grog the monosyllabic caveman’s caveman started becoming more articulate and started speaking more than just his name. Unfortunately, these were regulated to the dailies, and weren't integrated into the current Sunday plots, save for a few comics after everything was over.


















This was akin to a callback to one of those serial adventures within the confines of a gag-a-day strip that had minor changes happening on a regular basis without the audience noticing until it would be too late for them to complain. And unlike most clean-shaven trailblazing heroes, Peter actually develops some facial hair that extends further than his usual 5 o'clock shadow.









Along his journey, Peter gets caught up in a storm and has a brief encounter with a flying saucer from Mars. Hilarity ensues.









Along the way, Peter makes friends with an octopus who shows up just to serve up bad jokes. Enjoy him while you can - he never shows up again after this.









B.C. asks the all-knowing Guru whether or not he can pinpoint Peter's current location, which could be accurately guessed around "a great honkin' ocean, maybe Atlantic or Pacific."









This is one of the more nonsensical strips, and could be considered "filler", or an advance advertising attempt for The World is Not Enough.









In addition to the hermit crab, the clam, and a brief octupus cameo, Peter also makes friends with an albatross nicknamed Albert Ross. Clearly, Johnny Hart was firing on all cylinders, whether they worked or not.



















Sadly, this 2001 alien subplot is passed over for what happens next, which is right out of the pages of Jonah.









Peter's attempts at trying to escape the whale via inventive means are met with less than resounding successes.









After weeks of just loafing around in a whale's intestines, the lord creator (Johnny Hart) apparently decided he'd had enough of nothing happening and decided to spice things up by beaching the whale at the very surface he'd been trying to reach and gets out to see Columbus’ flag flapping on the shore.









Which means that if we’re to take BC’s current navigational skills correctly, all of the gang’s activities have actually been taking place in Europe, rather than the United States, even though most of their anachronisms reference current U.S. activities. Then again, it’s not like BC was ever archeologically correct anyways. In addition, this will also contradict certain revelations to be revealed later.









This story also introduced two new late arrivals to the cast - Italian Anno Domini, (A.D. to Peter’s B.C.) and Indian Conahonty (who looked a lot like Sergio Aragones and Groo for some reason)








Even though Wily didn't receive any news of Peter's success, he still saw the foresight to do a poem about his accomplishments. One suspects that there's an unpublished copy where Peter fell off the face of the Earth. Obviously Wily's playing it safe here.









Somewhere in the midst of Peter's trip around the uncharted territory, he came across a cave leading down a metaphorically long tunnel with a speck of light at the end. This led to a small door, which was part of a larger door, and also graced us with one of the strip’s most self-beloved long-running gags.









From this unapproachable entrance, Peter was able to open a barrier dividing the island from the previously unexplored plot of land. Very much like an "uncrossable checkpoint" in video games that allows for easier shortcuts once you've reached a distant land, flipped a switch on the other side or gotten the right tool for the job. At some point, the rest of the cast were introduced to these people, who lived juuuust around the corner. Surely there would be all kinds of untapped potential with these new people?









Sadly, no. Anno and Conahonty showed up in a few sporadic strips, but never fully integrated with the cast that'd been meshed in the minds of fans for years. Even the latest artists haven't bothered to pick them up, and are just rehashing old jokes without understanding the intent behind them. This extra-long journey ends with one last unanswered question that in the words of Futurama “only raises more questions than it answers”.









It’s unknown if any cartoonists out there might feel like doing some creative works before the Mayan calendar ends, but if there are any, they should take the opportunity to produce some work before its too late.

Seder Horror Stories

I generally struggle during of Passover, since we’re not supposed to eat any bread products for the duration of the week. I get a natural high from breadstuff and love pasta a lot, and its practically impossible to package a matzah sandwich without it crumbling to pieces. My family isn’t exactly devotedly religious, but I still feel entitled to at least follow a few of our customs, even if they don’t make sense.

I know that the marror is symbolic of our suffering during the time of slavery in Egypt. Or as the ancient texts say, we were in bondage (kinky!) to the Pharaohs. Normally my suffering is limited to trying as little of the bitter stuff as possible, and refusing any soft cushions to lean on my chair (I prefer hard back resting surfaces myself, since soft surfaces are painful to me) These miniscule labors in themselves aren’t too bad in passing, but I still find myself cringing when we approach the Jewish song with the chorus Dai dai dai nu (literally; it would be enough). This is equivalent to hearing the lyrics to The Little Drummer Boy over and over again. Singing the verses once is tolerable enough, but having it repeated ad nauseam begins to wear down on you, and you begin to loath hearing them all the time.

I have a tendency to speak the English portions of the text in a rapid-fire pace so that we’ll get to the food quicker. I’ll go through the 4 questions so fast that only the next stanzas count as breathing spaces. A typical rehersal sounds something like this: Mathanishanahalilahazehmekolhalaylotmekolhalaylot. (short pause for breath) Shebikholhalaylotainu... (you get the idea)

I’m not alone in wanting to skip through the general rehearsal and doing the cliff notes version of the Passover service to get to the meal faster. As quoted in a news article, "the Hagadah is the most frequently skimmed religious book in history". Even more than the prose pages in Cerebus’ Later Days. Statistically speaking, more people are likely to encounter the former than the latter.

However, not everybody is as quick to go through the motions. More devoted practitioners of the faith are determined to make sure that people get the general idea behind the true meaning of Passover. For instance, one of my Sister's friends went to a dinner with a Lubavitch sect who only served a single bowl of cold soup for the meal. That was the entire full course. Their reasoning is that food isn’t the focus behind Passover - the story is, which runs counter to a lot of Jewish holidays, which is a general excuse to reminisce and eat.

However, even the Lubavitchs pale in comparison to an ultra-orthodox seder that my sister heard about. In this instance, a friend of hers was invited to a seder with the warning that the food might “take awhile before we get served.” “No problem”, she thought, she could handle waiting for an hour going through the motions. However, her confidence soon faded away several hours later when they were still doing the pre-meal prayers. The service started at 8:00, and it was already midnight - and they still hadn’t gotten around to the meal yet! When she passed out around 1:00 in the morning, she was woken up at 3:00 when the meal was finally served. Keep in mind that the meal is only the halfway point of the Passover seder, which means there was still more to come after. To add insult to injury, she’d spilled some wine (the only thing she had to drink at random intervals) on her dress when she fainted, and had to wear that red badge of shame on her for the rest of the night. (Technically morning at that point)

Good thing it wasn't the Saturday seder, when they're more serious with their prayers. There's a reason these events take place on the weekends, otherwise what else would you to do with all that extra time? That kind of service makes Jon’s stalling tactic in A Garfield Thanksgiving look positively quant in comparison. In these instances, it’s better to eat before starting the meal. Otherwise all you’ll remember is your severe hunger pangs while you wait for the service to finally END.

One of the dirty secrets of American comics is that very often, the majority of the prose text is perfunctory, and can pass along very well without it. You can get the main gist of the story if you just pay attention to what the characters are saying and ignore the background narration boxes. Only a few writers are talented enough to make their narrative essential to the action. The rest are pale imitators trying to latch onto a storytelling device they’re unequipped enough to qualify as their own. In these instances, I’ll read the general balloon dialogue, get the general gist of the overall story, then go back and read the boring prose stuff to see if there’s any relevance there. If there is, I’ll read it again. If not, I won’t bother. Either way, the meat and bones of the text shouldn’t be considered an essential part if the general audience doesn’t feel like reading about it in the first place. Normally children hate it when adults skip over portions of a story, and develop a desire in wanting to know details that were left out... except for where food is involved.

Pral Fuel

Within the oil companies, there's a special kind of sludge named pral, which is very effective for its long-term use. A single drop of pral lasts longer than most kinds of gasoline, and is thought to rival electric cars for energy consuption.



















This product is graded accordingly to the effectiveness of said sludge, which is ranked as follows: "D" pral, which is the crudest form, "C" pral, which is more effective, but runs out pretty quickly. "B" pral which is of middling value. The longest-lasting and highest quality which is most desired is the "A" Pral fuel.







Quite naturally, the oil companies don't want their customers to know of the existence of pral, until they've exhausted their primary energy source. Any attempts to question them of this energy source will be met with natural blank stares and outright denials.

















At first, I thought that there were hardly any celebrations of April's birthday, compared to the other Patterson siblings. However, upon closer observation, she had more than both children got. (Over seven of them as a child, three as a teenager) Michael got the majority of birthdays to himself, and Elizabeth hardly got any birthdays of her own, save for "Elizabeth Day" for when she was feeling in the dumps.



















The main difference between the other Patterson kids was that while the kids grew up in “real time”, their actual birthdays were never quite closely observed or scrutinized. Having a consistent date made it easier to remember when April’s birthdays would take place. These celebrations mainly occured when April 1st came on a Sunday, or close to it, which had a factor on whether she got a celebration or not. (Some die-hard fans still insist that due to their paper's schedule of showing their Sunday comics on Saturday insist that April was born on March 31st)







For all the fuss made about the mythical quality her birthdate, there's surprisingly little instances of April being mercilessly teased by friends and siblings for being born that day. I have no idea of the psychology of people born on April 1st due to being an unintended victim of being born on a day of practical jokes. Any research into this neglected field would be welcome.



















Oh, and here's another example of a "borrowed" strip being summarized in one panel.

April Fool

While reading today’s Cul de Sac, you would be forgiven for thinking it’d been replaced by Pearls Before Swine. The two cartoonists have been close friends for a long time, which is strange, since the two strips have almost nothing in common. One is more lavishly drawn imagination of children, the other is stock poses and awful stringed-together puns. Though this isn’t the first time that the creator’s work have “crossed over”.


































Actually, artistic fill-in this is just a smaller version of a larger phenomenon that hasn’t been seen since the great Comic Strip Switcheroo of 1997. For that day, over 40 cartoonists decided it’d be fun if they traded each other’s strips with another’s for one day. This one-shot moment was an interesting experiment, and a welcome reprieve from the usual torrent of news that we struggle to figure out are being truthful or not. For some of us, EVERY DAY is April Fool's Day.


































Strangely enough, even though it was quite acclaimed in its day, finding any actual strips of the majority of the event have never seen the light of day again. If it had happened back when the internet had a stronger presence, saving and keeping these comics wouldn’t be too much of a problem. Nowadays, if you’re not part of a multi-million dollar empire, you’re likely to be quickly forgotten. Likewise, if your paper didn't subscribe to the other half of your strip, you were out of luck for seeing your favorite artwork that day.


































I was fortunate enough to keep the relevant April 1st page for posterity. I’ve also left a few of the other non-April 1st related comics to get an idea of what the rest of the non-celebratory cartooning world was like. Even though they didn’t take part in the artist swaparound, the few who did their own versions are pretty interesting in their own right.


































Surely there have to be other people out there who've kept their own papers of that day? Somebody should go to the extra effort of bringing all 46 strips in one convenient location. Personally, I’d be really interested to see what Nancy’s version of Fox Trot was.

EDIT - it wasn't Nancy, but Zippy the Pinhead instead, and you can find out either here or here!