Saturday, March 29, 2014

Back in Orbit

Ever since I re-introduced Orbit on my blog, I was hoping that it would renew interest in the once-forgotten children's newspaper comic.  Sadly, the Orbit Project that I so proudly proclaimed, seems to have gone offline without any further ado.  For a long time, I agonized over the fact that I didn't get the chance to save the rare clippings when I had the chance, confident that they would be posteriorized for a long time.

That was until I checked my email search engine, and found that copies had actually been forwarded to me before the project started.  Oops.

Granted, the following doesn't include the online newspaper copies from the online archives, but it's still better than nothing, and you get the following in chronological order.  I've posted several of these comics before, but they may make more sense in conjunction with the daily strips.

Orbit's shoeshine business was a running theme that occasionally popped up in the strip, and was strongest at the beginning when he was regulated to the post of a... shoeshine boy.

Bear with it.  This is the last of bad puns for a while.

Pay attention to the reuse of a certain panel in this Sunday comic for a daily strip later.

Have you found the duplicate panel yet?

And that's where my collection runs out.

EDIT - a commentor pointed out that the link is still available on WebArchive, but most of the pictures are broken.  Fortunately, the blog images they were posted to still work.  Rather than go to the trouble of going to another mostly empty page, I'll save you the trouble & show the missing pictures.  But before that, here's some fan art of the founder, Jason F. Talbert.

There was also an ad for submissions for a drawing contest for children.  Most of these would take up space in the Sundays, rather than advance the story.

 And now for the remainder missing comics:


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Knowing the Battle

There was a Facebook post that had the following statement:
It has come to my attention that despite the many parodies that have been done over the years of the GI Joe "Knowing is half the battle" PSAs, nobody has ever made an attempt to do any kind of straightforward parody and/or homage using the Cobra characters to give the advice rather than Joes. 
This, in an era when Arthur Burghardt, Michael Bell and Morgan Lofting are still alive and working and perfectly happy to do silly things for fans at cons, and in which several well-known actors can at least do a passable rendition of Chris Latta's voice as Cobra Commander. 
The thing practically writes itself and could be done with a little relooping of existing footage. YOU HAVE FAILED ME FOR THE LAST TIME, INTERNET.
While this might be true of recent submissions, that doesn't account for parodies that were done in the past.  The recent axiom of "The Internet never forgets anything" is only true up to a point.  There are countless conversational forums on various subjects that oftentimes derail their subject headings and go off into uncharted territory.  Back when I had more free time, I would venture out onto various Newsarama forums among others, and copy / paste the best results to save them for later.

Now, first off, some admissions:

  • I've always been more partial to Transformers than G.I. Joe.  I identified more with the giant fighting changing robots than the diverse cast of fighting humans.  I simply couldn't tell which side was which, since they all pretty much looked the same to me.  I wasn't a fan of "serious" animation, and had no idea which one of these people were "Joe".
  • It also didn't help that neither franchises were captioned (save for the movies), and I could only catch some of the episodes while over at a friend's house who got the channels I didn't get at home.
  • The only thing I really enjoyed about G.I. Joe was the opening for the first season, which was a wild roller coaster, and more exciting than the actual show.

Some context for the following is probably required.  There was an incident in the news at the time involving a kid who stuck Oreos in a toaster, and when they got stuck, got electrocuted when trying to dig them out with a fork.
And then you find out that yes, kids are just that dumb. 
This whole Oreo incident reminds me of another stupid parent that blamed her own negligence on the companies that she bought from.  Her name was Maria Rovella (Actually Ellie Rovella) and one day Ms. Rovella was in the store with her little boy.  We'll just call him Billy for now.  Little billy saw a video game that he really wanted called "Primal Rage" the one-on-one- dinosaur fighting game!  So he begged and whined and yelled and shrieked and hollered until finally his mother, now sick of his voice, doled out the money to get him the game and make him shut up. 
Later that same evening... 
Little Billy was playing Primal Rage to his heart's content when his mother walked in and saw him perform one of the game's finishing moves where a big ape pees on his beaten opponent.  Well!  That was all Ms. Rovella needed to see and in that instant she ripped the game out of the console, stormed back to the store, and not only demanded her money back, but demanded that all stores everywhere in the entire world stop carrying this game!  Obviously, it was the game designer's fault for making such a horrible game!  Why, it couldn't be Ms. Rovella's fault for not checking the warning label on the game that said it was meant for kids 13 and up  But of course little 8-year old Billy wanted the game so baaaaad!  And it couldn't be Ms. Rovella's fault for not reading the label that said the game had violent and objectional content.  Nah, she's a busy parent, she doesn't have time to read important messages that affect her children. 
And the sad thing is she actually got the store to pull the game.  And not just that store, but a couple hundred stores nationwide.  Then there's the hotline she started to spread the news about this horrible game.  I'm dead serious here, people!  This is one hundred percent true.  Why even Mrs. Clinton and (then Senator) Lieberman spoke out on violent games shortly after Rovella took her complaints straight to the White House! 
And not one person in the media, in the stores, or in the White House asked, "Why did you buy your kid that game then?"

This then led to a various number of parodies of the G.I. Joe PSA at the end of every episode, including a few from the Cobra camp:

(A 4-year old sticks some Oreo Cookies in a toaster.  When they don't pop up into tasty treats, he attempts to pull them out with a pair of scissors, but before he can, Bazooka from GI Joe turns the corner, startling the boy...)

Billy: AAAAHH!!  A Stranger!

Bazooka:  Don't you know who I am?  I'm Bazooka!  (Geez, Alpine never had this problem with lost kids at the carnival...) Uh... Hey Billy, don't you know that putting metal objects into a toaster is dangerous?  Always have an adult or Police Officer help you with appliances at home so you don't end up toasted!  Heh heh, I made that up myself!

Billy: AAAAHH!!  Mommy, this strange man with a Big Gun knows my name!  AAAAHH!!

Bazooka:  Wait, Kid!  You're supposed to say "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle..."  Ahh, the heck with it!  I'm outta here!


(Little Billy sits trying to dig Oreos out of the toaster with a pair of scissors)

(Voice from around the corner) No, child, you mustn't do that!  (Billy looks up and sees Dr. Mindbender)

Billy: Dr. Mindbender!

Dr. Mindbender: Billy, don't you know that shoving metal objects into electrical devices is dangerous?  You could be hurt or killed.

Billy: Wow, I never thought of that.

Dr. Mindbender: Yes, Billy, that's why, if you have an object lodged in the toaster, you should always use your mind control device to force someone else to dig it out for you.

Billy: But I don't have a Mind Control Device.

Dr. Mindbender: Well, you could always make a synthoid clone of yourself and have him do it.

Billy: What's a clone?

Dr. Mindbender: Hmmmm.  You could try using the Weather Dominator to force the President to dig them out.

Billy: (Blank stare)

Dr. Mindbender: Bah!  Have you any worth at all?  Very well, proceed with your digging, and don't stop until every crumb is out.  If you don't, you know I'll be back.

Billy: I know...

And knowing is half the battle!


(Jerry's in a store, eyeing the newest hottest toy)

Jerry:  I really want this toy, but I don't have any money.  If I stuck it under my shirt and walked out, no one would know.

(Two aristocratic voices in unison speak behind Jerry)  Are you crazy?  You'll be caught before you get to the door!

Jerry: (Spins around) Tomax & Xamot, the Crimson Twins!

Tomax:  That's right, Jerry.  This is a very petty crime you're pulling.  You should be ashamed.

Xamot:  Very sloppy indeed.  (Points to the ceiling)  Don't you see all of these cameras?

Tomax:  Yes, and the sensor tag glued to the side of the box.  You'd set off all of the alarms.

Jerry: Gee, I never thought of that.

Xamot: Besides, there are much better ways to get what you want.

Tomax: That's right.  You should be at home using your computer to embezzle money from Online Bank Accounts and committing Credit Card Fraud.

Xamot: It's rather easy, you know.

Jerry: I know now!

Tomax & Xamot: (In unison) And knowing is half the battle!


Jerry the Shoplifter: Take 2

(Jerry's in a store, eyeing the newest hottest toy)

Jerry:  I really want this toy, but I don't have any money.  If I stuck it under my shirt and walked out, no one would know.

(The rumble of motorcycles are heard as tires screech through the store.  Jerry looks up and sees the Dreadnoks riding towards him through the aisle)

Jerry: AAAH!!

Torch:  Blimey!  We've a daft wanker 'ere!  (Shoots a burst of flame at Jerry's feet)

Ripper: Indeed we do!  What the slag were ya thinkin', Jerry?!

Jerry:  I just wanted this toy so bad.

Buzzer: Well bloke, ya don't think they're gonna just let ya walk out wif it, do ya?

Ripper: 'At's right.  Whatchu need, me boy, is a diversion!

(Scene change to the Hardware Aisle, Ripper & Buzzer are seen dousing the area with Kerosene while Torch & Jerry lean over some Propane bottles)

Torch:  ...and ya connect the De'onator here.

Jerry:  Wow, I never thought of that!

Torch: Now light the fuse an' wait for the fun to start.

(The Dreadnoks step back as Jerry lights the fuse)

Jerry: (Trying to light a match) Something smells funny guys.  (The match lights)

Torch: GOR!


(Torch, Ripper & Buzzer are seen bursting through the front glass of the burning store on their motorcycles)

Buzzer: Poor lil' wanker couldn't recognize the smell o' Propane.

Torch: Ah, well, let's go to Lane Byrant.  Y'know 'ere's some saucy wenches there!!

Ripper: Now I know!

All three in unison: An' knowing' is 'alf da Bat'le!  Har! Har! Har! Har!

(The Dreadnoks ride off into the sunset)


(Little Johnny sits on the toilet in a public restroom doing his business when he notices that there's no toilet paper)

Johnny: (Looks around frantically) Oh no, what am I gonna do now?!

(Suddenly the stall door bursts open and a clearly inebriated Shipwreck staggers in with Polly on his shoulder)

Johnny: GAH!

Shipwreck: Gah!

Polly:  Gah!  Gah!  Stupid Mother&*%$er!

Shipwreck: (Slurring his words) Shut up, bird!  What's the matter Johnny?

Johnny: (Trying to cover himself with his shirt) This stall's outta toilet paper.

Shipwreck: (Barely able to stand) Heh.  I've been there before kiddo.  There was this one time in Okinawa when I met this cute little Geisha.  Man, did she have the nicest...

Polly:  Dirty Mother&*%$er!  I'll kill you where you stand!

(Johnny looks frightened and bewildered)

Shipwreck: Shut up, bird!

Johnny: What can I do, Shipwreck?  My legs are going numb.

Shipwreck: (Staring off into space, thinking of the Geisha)  ...huh?  Wha?  Oh yeah.  Well, you could always just use a dollar.  It's not as soft as toilet paper, but it gets the job done.

Johnny: Gee, I never thought of that.

(Scene change to outside the bathroom) (Shipwreck leans against the wall, looking down over the trash can, wiping the bile from his mouth, his stomach still heaving, as Johnny walks out of the Bathroom)

Shipwreck: (Noticing Johnny's look of disgust) (Still slurring his words) Whassamytter, Johnny?

Johnny: I used a dollar like you said, but my hands still got messed up.

Shipwreck: That's odd, a dollar bill usually works fine for me.

Johnny: A bill?  I used four quarters?

Shipwreck: Y'know, that's &*%$ing gross, kid.

Johnny: I know, now!

Shipwreck: And knowing is half the mother&*%$ing battle!


(Late at night, two young ladies of the evening, Liz and Connie, walk the street)

Liz:  Ya Connie, that guy tried to take off without paying, so Sugarbear cracked him over the head!

(A Sports car pulls up to the corner)

Connie: Hah ha ha!  Oh look, a car's pulling up, maybe another John!

Liz:  Or a cop.  Heh.  (Leans towards the window) Hey Sugar, want a date?

Connie:  I'll break your heart, baby!

(The window rolls down revealing the Baroness)

Liz & Connie: The Baroness!

Baroness:   Yeeeees, it is.  Don't you girls know how dangerous it is to be on these streets at night?

Connie: Yeah, my frien' Donna got cut up last week.

Liz: Oh, and they still haven't found Susan.

Baroness:  That's right, and then there's the dangers of disease and bad... ahem... management.

Liz:  Yeah, Ol' Sugarbear sure does take a lot of my money.

Baroness:  Indeed.  There are many other options for your line of work.  A better way to trade your favors for power and money is to marry a Politician or a Corporate Executive.

Liz: Yeah, I see what you mean.

Baroness:  And if those don't work, there are plenty of girls like you two in acting.

Connie: Gee, I never thought of that!

Liz: Now we know.

Baroness:  And knowing is half the battle!  (Drives off in her sports car)


(Young Billy walks out of the school restroom to go home when he sees a dark man looking at him)

Billy:  Hey, it's Snake Eyes!

Snake Eyes:  ...............

Billy:  Bye Snake Eyes, nice seeing you!

Snake Eyes:  ...............

(Later, as Billy walks home, he looks over his shoulder to see Snake Eyes staring at him from the corner)

Billy:  Is there anything wrong, Snake Eyes?

Snake Eyes:  ...............

Billy:  Well... okay then.  I gotta go home.

(Billy breaks out in a quick uneasy walk.  He turns and looks over his shoulder once again to see Snake Eyes gone)

Billy:  Oh... heh, he must've had to report back to Joe HQ to fight off the evil Cobras!

(Billy turns back around to see Snake Eyes 3 feet in front of him)

Billy:  AAAHH!!!  What's wrong Snake Eyes?

Snake Eyes:  ...............

(Billy runs frantically back to school to see his principal leaving with one of the young school children)

Billy:  Principal! Principal!

Principal:  Erp... Uhh, hi Billy.  I'm just taking Johnny home, that's all.  Nothing else.

Billy:  What?  Oh, hi Johnny.  Principal, Snake Eyes is following me and won't leave me alone!

Principal:  Well, get in the back seat and I'll drive you home.

(Billy gets in the backseat and they go towards his house when there is a loud thump on the car roof)

Billy:  AAH!  He's coming to kill me!  Mommy!

(The Principal stops the car and steps out to look at the pounced Snake Eyes clinging to the roof of the car.  Snake Eyes jumps off and opens the door to the car, much to Billy's disapproval)

Billy:  I didn't mean to steal that pack of gum, honest!

Snake Eyes:  ............... (points at Billy's pants)

Billy:  Huh?  (looks down)  Oh, you were trying to tell me that my fly was down the whole time!

Snake Eyes:  ...............

Billy:  Thanks Snake Eyes, now I know!

Snake Eyes:  ...............


(Sally, a young girl, stands hitchhiking on an Alabama roadside, when a Lincoln pulls up with Roadblock driving)

Sally: Hi Roadblock.

Roadblock:  It's dangerous, standin' on the road, raiting' on a ride from a guy you don't know.

Sally: Yeah, I guess so.

Roadblock:  Hop on in, and I'll take you home, 'cause you never know where a psycho could roam!

Sally: Thanks Roadblock!  (gets in the car)  Oh maaan.  What is that smell?!

(A loud belch is heard from the back seat)

Roadblock:  That's just Shipwreck, he's kinda drunk.  He reeks so much I should put him in the trunk.

Shipwreck:  I heard that &*%$face!

Polly:  &*%$face!  &*%$face!

(As they drive down the road, a Highway patrol car pulls up behind the Joes & Sally, siren screeching)

Roadblock:  Seems like there's a snag in our plan, better pull over and listen to the man.

(Sally looks at Roadblock strangely)  (The Policeman swaggers up to the window)

Roadblock:  Is there a problem officer?

Cop:  I'll ask the questions, boy.  Git outta the car.  Keep yer hands where Ah kin see 'em.

(Roadblock gets out slowly and talks to the Patrolman)

Shipwreck: (rising up from the backseat, slurring his speech, looking drunkly at Sally in the front) So sweetheart, you got a boyfriend?

(Sally recoils from his alcoholic stench)  (Polly flutters out the window and lands on Roadblock's back)

Roadblock:  You see Officer, it's all okay.  I'm just helping this young lady on her way.

Cop:  Well, Ah don't see much reason to keep you here any...

Shipwreck:  Dammit, RB!  You don't hafta take any &*%$ from that &*%$ing PIG!

Polly: (On Roadblock's back)  &*%$ing Pig!  &*%$ing Pig!

Cop: (Looking at Roadblock)  Is that so, boy?!  (Tasers Roadblock.  Roadblock drops to the ground in convulsions)  And why don't you join yer friend, ya Village People reject!  (Drags Shipwreck out of the car.  Shipwreck takes a drunken swing at the Cop, missing him by a mile.  The Cop beats him into submission with his nightstick)

(The Cop shoves the two Joes into the back of his car)

Roadblock:  Look officer, it ain't played that way, y'see.  Ain't we innocent until proven guilty?

Cop:  Don't give me none of that Jive talk, boy.  (Slams the car door shut)  (Turns to Sally)  Young lady, I'm taking these two in.  You should have known better than to catch a ride with weirdos.

Sally: Now I know!

Polly:  (Riding on top of the Cop Car) And knowing is half the battle, &*%$ing Pig!


(Johnny is walking down the street, rubbing his shoulder)

Johnny:  Ow, that bully really gave me a beating today!

Storm Shadow: What happened Billy?  You look like you got beat up real good.

Johnny:  Wow!  It's Storm Shadow, ex-Cobra ninja turned over to the forces of good!  I could sure use your help, Storm Shadow.  Billy the school bully steals my milk money then beats me up!  What should I do?

Storm Shadow: When a ninja confronts an enemy greater than himself, the ninja remembers the teachings his Sensei taught him.

Johnny:  Gee whizz, you mean like that stuff that says never get into a fight unless you have to or to think before you act?

Storm Shadow: Baka!  That's only fluff to appease your parents.  No, what you do first is to deliver a swift right knee kick to your adversary's groin.  As he doubles over, place your descending right foot to the back of your opponent's stance, following with a sweep to the right side by your left feet.  You should be right behind the brute.  Next, with your left arm, wrap it around your victim and tilt your head right, leaning it on the left hand.  Then with your right hand, give a strong push to the left on your adversary's head.  You should hear a faint but audible snap of his neck breaking.  If done quickly and properly, this attack creates little noise and no traceable evidence to you.

Johnny:  Golly, now I know how to stop Billy for good and to defend my lord's honour!

Storm Shadow: And knowing is half the battle!


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Assassination Classroom Vs. One-Punch Man

There's been a rash of surprising licenses from Viz lately.  Ranging from two Shoujo Vampire stories to
the once-thought unlicensable Master Keaton, due to the copyright conflict between Naoki Urasawa and Hokusei Katsushika, over whose name should've gotten top billing.  But the one that stood out was Assassination Classroom, which was once said to be too risky, considering the nature of students bringing guns to school in an attempt to kill their alien Teacher, who unlike the My Teacher is an Alien children books, makes no bones to hide his foreignness from his class.  At the time, it was thought to be too sensitive with the memory of Columbine being too fresh in people's minds.  But considering the once gun-shy country expressing outrage at being unable to bring firearms into coffee shops, and how the series relies less on long-distance weapons further on, the restrictions began to look rather pale in comparison.  The fact that guns are edited out of Anime is frankly, ridiculous.
A scene from the Storm story, "The Slayer of Eriban",
about a student from an Assassination school on his final exam
You would think that somebody who looks like a Smiley "Have a Nice Day" Face with teeth from Derek Kim Kim's The Eternal Smile wouldn't be much of a threat.  But as we all know, looks can be deceptive.  In Shonen Manga, the unassuming child can turn out to have planet-destructive abilities beyond the ken of mortal men.  Likewise, the perpetually grinning alien masks the extent of his destructive power and speed. While Koro-Sensei has designs similar to Nyarlathotep in eventually destroying the Earth, gleefully teaching students to learn how to kill him (despite their wasted attempts), his intent is more about inspiring his students to become better students by way of teaching them valuable learning skills independent to each individual student, working around their mental blocks and past trauma.
Can you tell the difference?
Since Assassination Classroom is in Shonen Jump, it stands to reason that a crossover with another licensed property, One-Punch Man, wouldn't be considered out of the question.  What's surprising is that a Doujin of this caliber hasn't been accomplished already.  It certainly would be something to see - a great fight between the strongest apathetic hero and the strongest Anti-Villain.
There can be only one winner - the audience.
Until then, you'll have to settle for this rough fanfic of what the match-up would most likely be.

(Saitama is roaming the outskirts of the country, until he comes across a ramshackle house)
Saitama: (knocks door) I thought I heard gunfire.  Is everything alright there?
Nagisa: (heard through other side of the classroom door) Oh yes, we were just starting class.  Nothing to worry about.
Saitama: (sounds unconvinced) Really.  Then you won't mind if I take a look?
Nagisa: No, wait!
(Saitama opens the classroom door)  (sees all the students with guns aimed at an alien octopus wearing a graduation cape and hat)
Saitama: (concerned) What are you doing?!  Are you trying to kill your teacher?!
Nagisa: Uh... yes.  that's kind of the point of this class.
(slightly embarrassed) Ah, well.  Sorry to intrude.  I'll be going now.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #1

He's extremely acceptable of outrageous situations.

Saitama: (changing his mind) No, wait, that's not right.  I came here because I heard news that there was a monster that was terrorizing the students here.  Would you know anything about that?
(All eyes in the class look towards the blackboard where Koro-Sensei is nonchalantly trying to appear inconspicuous, as inconspicuous as a smiling humanoid octopus can be)

(Saitama walks towards the teacher's desk where Koro-Sensei is simultaneously correcting the student's homework, taking attendance, doing flower arrangement, casual calligraphy and carving miniature Renaissance art on the side of a spent bullet shell)
Saitama: Can we talk outside?
Koro-Sensei: Certainly.  (Claps tentacles)  Free period everybody!  Feel free to think up impressive techniques to kill me!

(The two of them walk quite a distance until they come across an abandoned baseball field)

Saitama: You didn't have to go so far out of earshot.  It's not like I was going to yell at you.  I just wanted to understand what's going on here.
Koro-Sensei: Well, it's like this.  As you no doubt noticed, the surface of the moon has been obliterated, leaving a slim outline of its circumference, resulting in an eternal crescent moon is hanging in the sky.
Saitama: (Looks up at the sky where the remains of the moon is) Huh.  I never noticed that before.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #2

He's oblivious to the obvious.

Koro-Sensei: That was just a mere display of the extent of my powers.  I've given the Government one year to get rid of me.  In exchange, I'm training these lowly students in Class-E - the refuge for students considered to be beyond help in terms of educational advancement.
Saitama: (Presses fingers to bridge of nose) Wait, wait, back up a bit.  You're holding off destruction of the Earth unless one of your problem students manages to learn how to kill you before then?
Koro-Sensei: (Clenches tentacles in excitement) Nothing motivates you more than a project with a literal deadline.
Saitama: And what if somebody offs you before they have a chance to?
Koro-Sensei: They're welcome to try.  Though none have managed to succeed.  (Holds up pellet) So far, the only thing that can damage me are these harmless ball bearings -
Saitama: (holds palm up) Don't tell me your weakness right off the bat.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #3

Interrupts the speaker if they're talking for too long.

Koro-Sensei: Don't tell me you're going to try to kill me?
Saitama: (winds up shoulder) Well, that depends on just how formidable you really are.  You never know until you try.
Koro-Sensei: (Spreads tentacles out) And just how are you going to kill me?  A sneak attack?  An overhead laser canon?
Saitama: (Calmly walks forward) Nah, I'm just gonna punch you.
Koro-Sensei: (Chuckles inwardly) (Thinks) The fool.  He has no idea what he's in for.  He's going to experience humility on a scale that can't be measured.  I'll tease him a little first.  His head looks so lonely without any hair on it.  It could use a powdered wig.
(There's a quick imperceptible blur near Saitama)
Koro-Sensei: (Thinks) What was that?  It must've been my imagination.  Hmm?  That's strange.  (sees no wig on Saitama) I can't feel my limb?
(Sees his tentacle that was intended to play with Saitama has blown apart)
Koro-Sensei: (Stambles and falls back) (thinks) Wha-wha-wha-wha??? What was that???  He just blew away my tentacle apart in an instant???  And it's not regenerating?????
(A fly buzzes near Saitama.  He slaps and misses)

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #4

He can't swat mosquitoes? (?????????????????????????????????)

Saitama: What's wrong?  I just barely brushed you.
Koro-Sensei: (thinks) It's BECAUSE you brushed me that I want to get away!!! (Escapes at Mach 20)
Saitama: (Easily catches up) Found you.
Koro-Sensei: IMPOSSIBLE!!! I'm moving at Mach 20!
Saitama: Oh?  I wasn't really paying attention.
Koro-Sensei: How fast can you go?!?
Saitama: No idea.  I've never been pushed that hard enough.
Koro-Sensei: (Panicking) (Thinks) Imma gonna fake him out with a buncha after-images! Each one in an individual attack pose!  I should be able to tell his fighting technique from how he fights each one!
Saitama: (Looks slightly impressed) Huh.  Cool trick.  Lemme try.  (Creates multiple after-images in front of each Koro-image, each one showing the exact same pre-punch stance)
Koro-Sensei: (Too shocked to think rationally) GNAFGEFSKAWA.  (Barely escapes intact)
Koro-Sensei: (Thinks) What's with this guy?? I can't read any killing intent off him, yet his punches are powerful enough to rip through my defenses like toilet paper!  I can't even smell any phreromones as to what he's going to do next!  Gotta contain him!
(Koro-Sensei extends remaining tentacles to restrict Saitama's movements)
(Saitama dodges and breaks apart the tentacles without hesitation)
(Koro-Sensei rockets up in the air)
(Saitama jumps up to where Koro-Sensei is)
Koro-Sensei: He's caught up to me already?!  Gotta go faster!!!  (Zooms away from Saitama in a hurry)
Saitama: (looks disappointed) He left the country.

(Out in the realm of the atmosphere)
Koro-Sensei: (ThinksGottagetawaygottagetawaygottagetaway!!!  (Zipping across multiple continents, looks behind him) Wait, he's not coming after me?  I don't see him anywhere.  Where'd he go?  Is he waiting somewhere in front of me??  (swings past Japan) Oh, he's still hanging in midair, slowly falling back to Earth.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #5

He can't fly.

Koro-Sensei: (Thinks) So he's not ENTIRELY Superhuman!  I can use this to my advantage.  Firstly, I'll spin around the Earth a few times to build up speed.  Secondly, I can compose my thoughts.  Thirdly, I can plan a counter-attack.
Note: [All of this takes place in a fraction of a second]
Koro-Sensei: (Thinks) He won't know what hit him!

(Saitama is looking forlornly up at the sky when he notices a  faint shining light coming closer towards him)
(It's an asteroid with Koro-Sensei's smiling face carved into it, with a handwritten note on the side saying "Love & Kisses, Koro-Sensei")
(The Koro-Asteroid is bearing down on Saitama at tremendous speed, burning up upon re-entry)
(Saitama easily and impassively smashes the incoming meteor to dust particles with a well-timed hit)
(Within the dust, Koro-Sensei covertly sneaks his way to Saitama's back)

Koro-Sensei: (thinks) I compressed myself to the size of a fly, and camouflaged myself on the meteorite's surface, all for the purpose of getting to his largest and most obvious weak spot:

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #6

His cape.

(Koro-Sensei snags Saitama's cape from behind)
(Saitama instantly hits Koro-Sensei from behind)  There you are.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #6

His cape.
Scratch the cape!  He's full of openings, but they're all dangerous traps!  Stay as far away as possible!

(Koro-Sensei's tentacled body has burst apart like a spilled bucket of water balloons under a cactus)

Koro-Sensei: (Thinks) That didn't work.  Gotta keep my distance!  I'll figure out how badly I've been hurt later.  Uh?  Why is the ground getting in my way?  And it seems to be getting larger?  Oh, here it -
(Koro-Sensei prepares himself for a crash that never comes)  (opens his eyes)
(Saitama is standing calmly, holding Koro-Sensei's ruined body one centimeter away from hitting the surface)
Saitama: That was close.  You could've gotten hurt.

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #7

He's too caring towards his victims.

Koro-Sensei: Why did you save me?  Didn't you come here to collect on the 10 Billion Yen reward?
Saitama: (Looks dumbfounded)  Ten billion?  Who needs that much money?  I'm just doing this for the challenge.  Let's wrap this up before the discount special day ends.
Koro-Sensei: (Looks shocked)  You buy discount foodstuff in the bargain bin too?
Saitama: (snaps fingers) You're the guy with the prosthetic nose at the Supermarket!  I was wondering if your face had plastic surgery or something.
Koro-Sensei: Uh... yeah!  You're the guy who's always wearing that weird-looking spandex costume in the shopping district!
Saitama: I'm still wearing the same costume.  And you didn't recognize me until now?
Koro-Sensei: I... thought you were somebody else with a similar fashion trend.

Karasuma: (who'd been watching the whole action taking place at the sidelines) (clapping sarcasically) Very clever, becoming fast friends with the man who beat you within an inch of your life.
Koro-Sensei: Uh?  Ah, yes!  That's what this was!  Buying time by finding common ground between yourself and your killer!
Karasuma: (whispering) He's totally covering up for his ineptitude isn't he?
Irina: So sad.
Koro-Sensei: That - that's not it at all!  I could fight back seriously if I really wanted to!
Saitama: Oh, so you CAN fight better than this?  I'm looking forward to next time.
Karasuma: (Gives Saitama the stink eye) Aren't you going to finish the job?
Saitama: I'm not going to steal your student's Finals project away from them.
Koro-Sensei: See?  He DOES understand!!
Saitama: Besides, I can tell that you're not evil.  If you really were a threat, you would've taken one of your students as a hostage.
Koro-Sensei: (Fumes) How dare you!  What kind of monster do you take me for?
Saitama: The kind of monster that could actually put up a good fight.  Besides, anybody who's frugal with their finances can't be all that bad.
Karasuma: (thinks) What kind of logic is that??
Saitama: If you do some exercise every morning, you should be able to put up a better fight next time.
Irina: (thinks) Don't encourage him!
Saitama: I'll be back in a month to see if you've improved any.  If not, I'll be having octopus stew for supper.  (wraps up fallen tentacles in a grocery bag)
Karasuma / Irina: (disgusted, thinks) You're not having that for dinner, are you??

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #8

He doesn't discriminate on eating Octopus bal / Tenta / weird food.

Saitama: Well, if there's nothing else, I'll be off.
Nagisa: WAIT!!  How were you able to hurt Koro-Sensei like that??  We've never been able to even get close to him!
Saitama: (Looks at Koro-Sensei) Is it alright if I be your substitute teacher for five minutes?
Koro-Sensei: (gestures tentacle) Be my guest.
Saitama: Hello everyone.  I don't have much time before the bargain sale ends, so I'll make this short.
(turns to blackboard, drawing crappy stick figures worse than ONE's artwork)
Saitama: What you do is you raise your arm back, clenching your hand into the shape of a fist.  Then you thrust it forward towards your target with intent to hurt.  And that's all there is to it.  Any questions?
Entire class: (Thinks) TOO BRIEF!!!

Koro-Sensei Notebook: Saitama's Weaknesses #9

He can't explain his ability.

Koro-Sensei: It's true after all - those who can, do.  Those who can't, teach.
Irina: (whispers) Does that mean you can't teach these students to kill you properly?
Koro-Sensei: (miffed) Quiet, you.
Of course, this is possible too.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Marching through a Storm

Sorry about the delay.  Here's this month's quota of Calendar images.

March 4 - First Tavern in Boston Opened 1634 - Steele's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something--I believe I'll have another drink.

March 13 - Standard Time Established 1884 - Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows the time.  A man with two is never sure.

March 15 - Only 32 Days Till Tax Day - The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes.

March 17 - St. Patrick's Day - Murphy's Advice: Don't worry... nobody gives a hoot anyway.

March 21 - Parson's Law of Passports: No one is as ugly as their passport photo.

March 26 - The Student Tautology: The teacher is never absent on the day of the exam.