Disturbing Stuff: Asexual Zimmerman Fanfic

How could someone introduce an Asexual at the very end of an erotic fanfic?  For those of you curious about the fanfic I mentioned when talking about my Asexuality, I’ll give a rough summary of the general outline I had in mind.  There will be several compressed stories with the humourous highlights left intact.  I tried to make it as SFW as possible without showing any of the images, but large swatches of the narrative still sounds very very dirty.

Fans of Zimmerman’s drawings should have an idea of what I’m referencing.

For those who don’t want to read all the parodic elements and skip straight to the disturbing parts, search for the word ‘Remember’ and read down from there.

Amazing Greys

Much like a large segment of online Webcomic artists who’ve taken an extended hiatus (due in no small part thanks to the pandemic), before making a comeback about their sexuality, so too have I come into a realization about myself.  I’ve recently identified myself as being Asexual.  What does that mean?  It means that when I’ve eaten too much substances such as cake, and my weight exceeds the natural limit, my current form won't be able to contain my mass, so I’ll split into -

What?  That’s not the definition we’re going for?  Too bad.  2 of me wouldn’t be a bad idea.  I’d have someone to do half my chores while the other half lazes around.  But then I’d have to share my space with me, so it’s not as good as it sounds.

Basically, Asexuality can be described as a lack of sexual attraction, much in the way that single-celled cells have no desire to split apart, and are content doing their own thing.

To make matters more complicated, Asexuals CAN feel lust.  They just do so under very specific conditions.  Like if they’ve known the person for a long time and deeply connect and relate to them on a relatable level.  Or if they want to beat off to the latest salacious crack pairing fanfic.  (If I’d known Asexuals could masturbate, it would’ve saved me a LOT of confusion)

This realization doesn’t come from abstinence from sex.  It can come after being pressured from feeling left out twiddling your mitochondria while everyone’s dividing like crazy around you, trying to convince a cell to split.  “C’mon, you’ll LOVE it.”

Anytime 2 couples are paired together, promos go teasing around by asking questions of “Will they?  Won’t they?” and express their outrage of “Why AREN’T they?!”

From MAD’s Real Reasons why the X-Files is Totally Unbelievable

When the default state for romantic couples is ingrained in society, you start noticing it popping up everywhere, even in places where the hookup shouldn’t even make sense.  If you removed the five-second shot where the lovebirds lock lips, it’d hardly change the narrative one iota, especially when they’ve had to condense the contentions of meet-n-greet, getting to know each other, getting used to the annoying quirks, culminating in a connection, all in a single day.  It’s basically a narrative shortcut, and can be annoying when overused.

The thing was, whenever these pairings happened, they always felt forced, and I looked forward to the rare occasions where someone wouldn’t be romantically paired off with anyone.  Like Sheldon in the early seasons of Big Bang Theory before he was unceremoniously paired up with Amy (who originally had no interest in men) because the writers couldn’t conceive of a purely platonic relationship between two like-minded individuals.

There were very few representations of Asexuals, and I would welcome those rare instances when they came, because I found it fascinating.  That Tesla was able to fully devote all his time and energy into research rather than distractible foibles as love was admirable in a way.

The earliest instance I ever saw the theme of Asexuality represented was in a Manga.  Normally, this would sound counterintuitive, since Manga is known for having perverts and characters that are ‘sexier than sex’, but it works for the very first story in Mitsukazu Mihara’s I.C. in a Sunflower, Keep those Condoms Away from our Kids.  In this world, the young populace has suddenly developed a deep disinterest in propagating in the forbidden act of reproduction, the cause of which was... well...

Unfortunate implications surrounding vaccines notwithstanding, Mitsukazu couldn’t possibly know the false correlation between vaccines and Autism that would come up years later, but the power of the story still shines through.  With the majority of youth drained of desire, schools have forcibly extended their boundaries in prompting sex education to be taught with pornography.  As anyone knows, the surest way to deprive interest in any curriculum is to teach it in school.  If a worldwide phenomenon as Pokémon was taught in class, interest would dry up.  It’s not just that the very act of sex is rendered meaningless, but that main character Irori pretends he understands it to keep his parents and principal feel relieved.

This summary fails to convey the sheer power portrayed through a scant 31 pages, but pretty much all the stories in I.C. in a Sunflower, and can’t be recommended hard enough.

Another instance of portrayed comic Asexuality was in Sex Criminals where a side character was able to undergo the *reality-defying* ritual of stopping time by orgasming via an emotional high.  Still I didn’t make the connection.  I thought that Asexuals derived pleasure through alternate means via a kind of braingasm, deriving pleasure through different circuit pathways, much in the way that Jughead gets his jollies from eating hamburgers.  Or solving a difficult puzzle.  Or clearing a hard level.

When my sibling came out as Trans, I supported them as best as I could, listing several recommended comics in support, even as I struggled to understand their dysphoria.  One of which was How to be Ace by Rebecca Burgess.  It didn’t explicitly deal with Trans issues, but I extremely identified with the underlying social issues surrounding Asexuality.  So when I saw the dead tree version that continued from where the Webcomic left off, I immediately rushed to take it, my breathing coming in heaving gasps of excitement.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to read something so much.  I couldn’t until I got home, and started reading it immediately.

It’s a very personal book, and I was struck with the outright honesty portrayed throughout, but it’s not perfect.  Some of the panel layouts are meant to be read downwards instead of across, and it can come across as confusing the first time around.

Halfway through, I read this page and my perceptions completely changed.

For the longest time, I thought that the prerequisite for being Asexual was being totally disinterested in sex.  I didn’t know that someone could engage in masturbation and still be Asexual.  Once that little nugget of information slipped through, a lot of the puzzle pieces left strewn about started fitting together quickly.  I’d never wanted to kiss anyone, and oftentimes thought if I were cast for a Hollywood production or a play, one of my requests would be that I NOT be cast in a romantic situation where I’d have to kiss someone.  (Unless it’d service the plot, like making out with an escapee to escape spies, though even there, I’d probably tuck my lips in)

I’ve never had a wet dream, but I vividly recall what could be described as an anti-wet dream.  In the scenario, there was a young girl who stripped naked and frivolously danced about, displaying her underdeveloped body for all who wanted to see her.  Making herself available to any who wanted to take advantage.  In my dreams, I’m more of an observer, but in this instance, I was a participant.  I took my coat off and put it on her.  It was clear to me she’d been conditioned to wantonly display herself from a young age and didn’t know any other way of being.

In this idealized realm free of consequences where I could indulge any whim I wanted, I chose to be kind.

I lean more towards Greysexual than outright Asexual, being primarily interested in porn.  It may seem contradictory for a self-proclaimed Asexual to be interested in sex, but I’m a fan since so much of it revolves around humour, and I’m a connoisseur of humour in many forms.  So, given that I wanked off to many available material (online and offline), I still felt like a fraud for even thinking that I belonged on the Asexual frame.  (Still do)

From the emotionally devastating Gastrophobia (Pepsiaphobia) story A Good Egg.

It doesn't feel right to take the Ace slang that's normally associated with someone who's notoriously overtalented compared to his teammates.  That, and when I hear the term, I think of the Manga Aim for the Ace, even though the current generation hardly even knows it exists.

Even though I like consuming pornography, I have no inclination to openly engage any physical relationship with someone I don’t know.  Even communicating with someone I’m familiar with is an uphill struggle.  Being Asexual is very different from the toxic online base of incels (involuntary celibates), who feel entitled to have sex, having it denied to them, and rant against those who won’t share.  I’m not sex-repulsed, I’m touch-averse.

So much of what passes for sex in a relationship revolves around communication, seeking out insights of little cues of what sensitive spots excites your partner, anticipating their needs and meeting them.  And being both deaf and Autistic, I simply would fail to meet those requirements in making the other party feel appreciated.

From My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness

As of now, I’m in the trifecta of invisible disabilities; Deafness, Autism and now Asexuality.  Though it shouldn’t be too surprising, since the LGBTQA+ rate is 2/3rds higher among Autistics than other groups.

Also, I don’t like the Asexual flag, despite liking the colours black and purple.  It just looks so... drab.  Though some artists have managed to make the colour combination work.  (Can be easily mistaken for the ‘Attraction to Women/Femininity’ flag, where the lower colour is pink instead of purple)  I much more prefer the Greysexual flag though - it’s symmetrical.

While there isn’t as much implied bias towards Asexuals, there’s still an underlying distrust towards them along the likes of Transexuals and Bisexuals.  Trans for betraying their side, Bisexuals for playing both sides, and Asexuals for being on neither side.

One thing that struck me once I self-identified as being Asexual was how much Asexuality was a part of my stories.  I never had any inclination of putting any romance in them, which freed me up from thinking up convoluted ways for people to be together, apart or whatnot.

I even developed an erotic fanfic based on Julius Zimmerman’s drawings (most of them centered around Jessica Rabbit) which focused on a girl, Jean R. Rikk (generic) attending Moorehead High who would be exposed to a litany of titillating erotic exploits about her busty cartoon classmates.  And then in the last two chapters, the whole narrative would turn on its head after she found out she was Asexual.

This is the most SFW image he’s done.

A potential symptom of being Asexual should be that you think about characters along those lines more than most people do.  To describe me, one of my favorite coming out comic bios could’ve just as easily been retitled The Times I knew I was Ace.

"People might think that everyone starts out in a closet until they're ready to 'come out.'  The closet could be dark and scary or quite roomy and resemble more of a clothes rail.  But what's funny for me is that I didn't even know that there was a closet - or that I was very much stuck inside it."

Here’s a segment taken from a chapter of my WebNovel Sweet Sick Teen (kind of a warped pregnant Alice in Wonderland that doesn’t emulate any inspiration from the Lewis Carol classic) of a dialogue between the unnamed Girl and the Pale Boy as a take that on YA books that specifically devoted on romance over the political ramifications of the story.

Unseen Garfield Submissions

Back when I hesitantly gave my first comic submission to Square Root of Minus Garfield, there was only a small smattering of volunteers who were willing to give a try.  That pond has now grown larger than its current output of one comic a day can provide.

The backlog of SROMG has grown so large that the chances of my later strips being seen anytime in the future is now increasingly remote.  I Almost submitted the missing ones on my blog last year, but then, my entry, Suicide Hotline, (which I was particularly proud of) showed up, and I decided to wait another year.  If none of my other comics showed up until then, I wouldn't show them.

These comics haven't been seen by anybody, save for the moderator of SROMG who switched owners in 2015 to its current moderator, who has their own backlog of new comics coming in all the time.  They haven't been seen since I made them in... (checks creation date) 2013, so they're a little overdue.  And not seeing my works shown up in rapid succession has been a major damper in my creative process.  I haven't made any new Garfield comics since then, including what I thought would be my Last comic - a collection of all of Lyman's appearances into one comprehensive Lyman contribution strip.

With that out of the way, here's the remainder of my Garfield Comics, with author commentary at the bottom:

REALLY Sophisticated Tastes

Considering that there are food connoisseurs out there who can deduct the quality and quantity of foods down to their most basic cooking instructions to how long each ingredient was prepared, 

it only seemed natural that the reciprocal for such a talent would eventually find its way through breaking down cat food to the basic elements.  There are sophisticated snobs concerned about how much meat Fido gets in their Bowl-o-chunks.  Probably the ONLY ingredient missing from the vast list of chemicals would be artificial food dye, but since their addition is more for the owners buying food and not their colourblind pets, this omission is somewhat understandable.

Randomized Garfield in 2053

It occurred to me that after seeing the static lazy use of repeat panels that it would only be a matter of time before all future Garfield panels were virtually indistinguishable from each other, down to the background colour.  Also, considering it's not impossible for a Garfield generator to use two different panels of the same strip, the probability of having similar-looking panels becomes considerably higher.

Following that train of logic, it would only be a matter of time before there were some repeat panels from the later years, and a higher chance of seeing duplicate panels next to each other.  Therefore, what would normally be the punchline would become the opening panel, with the remaining panels being exact copies.

Originally, this was going to have the first panel at the end, but I thought it would get its point across if it was shown from the start.  If you look closely, you can see the copyright text between panels is mixed and matched between the two as typical of various randomized Garfields.

The monologue comes from two variations of a Blender comic.

Just Look At That Gorgeous Garfield Minus Garfield

This one is going to take some explaining.

A frequent contributor, Manyhills, submitted a Garfield puzzle that left many readers baffled as to the content of the hidden word, which is (was) still being debated on in the forums.  Even with all the hints dropped in, hardly anybody got close to getting an answer.

The original comic in question.

The ACTUAL solution turned out to be a chain of random tactics so obtuse that you'd need to be a mind reader or web hacker to be able to figure it out.  The answer was a series of numbers referring to the date of a comic where Jon asked himself what the Capital of Nebraska was.  (Bismark)

What made this really infuriating is that the answer was so far from obvious, and it was labeled "Easy".  (Check the difficulty rating on mine.)  So I thought, why not make an already hard puzzle more difficult?  The result is something akin to a Mondrian painting, only with more colours between the lines.  It's my first time editoralizing someone else's work to reflect the audience's reaction, but I think it fits.  Bonus points if my comic managed to generate more answers than the former.

Real Cats...

This was largely inspired by crossing Real Men Don't Eat Quiche with the children's book, All Cats have Asperger's Syndrome.  I shared this with members of my Asperger group, but wondered why it never showed up on SROMG.  It wasn't until now that I realized that I never actually submitted it as an entry.  Kind of a waste - I insisted on privacy, wanting to wait until this comic would show up on a veritable site before sharing with a wider audience, and wound up self-sabotaging myself in the process.

Jon's Everyday Letter

These are all things Jon admitted to doing in front of Garfield on a regular basis.  One wonders just how he would be able to relay this level of weirdness to his parents.  It would be on a level of open honesty.  In an early strip, Jon pretty much admitted to his mother on the phone that his washing machine spat out his jockey shorts.  Since his mom and brother routinely sent letters along the lines of "The chicken died", and had their picture taken next to the world's largest corn cob, this kind of reply of everyday routine wouldn't be entirely out of character or place.  Without the visual aid of weirdness or the surprise setup, something's bound to get lost in the transition.

Chinese Garfield

Actually, a more accurate description for this would be “Canadian Garfield”, since this parody showed up in a long-running French children’s science/nature magazine, Les Debrouillards, drawn by the indefatigable Jacques Goldstyn.  The children are accompanied by their mascot, a talking frog named Beppo who provides the role of the chorus.  Interestingly enough, a spinoff of one of Jacques’ characters, Ivan the inventor is also published in China.

I had planned to showcase a feature on Debrouillards, and requested the moderator of SROMG not to release this until then.  But since that would require scanlating French comics, my desire to do so kept falling away over time, and I never got around to it.

Fatty Arbuckle

I'm surprised no one's thought to make a correlation between the real-life Arbuckle and Garfield's owner, especially considering the implications of his film nickname, "Fatty".

Bye Bye Love

Although I'm deaf, I was still part of mandatory auditorium attendance in Grade school where we were to sing out lyrics to 50's songs such as Rag Mop and Anything You Can Do.  The presence of an overhead projector showing the words made following along much easier, and is only how I'm aware of these ditties in the first place.  It's probably funnier if you sing the lyrics to the tune of George Harrison's Bye Bye Love.  What's amusing is how little I had to change the words to most of these.  I was considering doing something similar for "Shoo Fly", but couldn't find enough references, since music isn't really my thing.  That's more Manyhill's field.

Nermal Manga - Director's Cut

Years ago, I made a Nermal Manga using Chi's Sweet Home as a base.  (An obvious reference.)  What is less known is that I submitted a potential sequel later.  This was something I'd planned to use in the first comic, but felt it was already running on for too long, and couldn't figure out where to place it anyways.  If you interpret the dialogue there, it could seem like "Nermal" is waking up in the last panel.

The Big Bang Melody

Inspired in part by the infamous Kitty song from The Big Bang Theory.  Only, I couldn't leave it well enough alone, since I wasn't entirely sure if there were instances of either Nermal or Odie being bounced around.  After some customary searching, I found results for both, and decided not to remove either, but keep both, and show how the lyrics for one would've inspired the other.

I also wanted to use a more lively atomic particle in a similar vein to BBT's animation segments, but couldn't find one.

(In case it's not obvious, Nermal hiding in Garfield's jacket in the 2nd panel is a "hot" item.)

Odie's Blog

I found a silent French comic titled Odi's Blog by Sergio Garcia and Lola Moral, and naturally thought of having it somehow tie in with the dumb dog who occasionally shows flashes of genius from time to time.  Even Jim Davis is somewhat elusive about the full extent of Odie's mental capacities.  It's also an apt metaphor for how uncommunicative people think in unconventional means.  Just because somebody is nonverbal doesn't mean that they're not smart in other ways. Dyslexics manage to be incredibly inventive despite their handicap of not being able to read.

Anime Opening

 






This is probably the most obscure referential material I've ever done.  The song lyrics are from ShakespeareHemmingway's legendary so bad it's good fanfic: Garfield, Prince of Tragedy in "Royal Rescue Part 2".

I started thinking about what the opening for Garfield & Friends would be like if it were done as an Anime, with their lingering quality and extended length of J-Pop lyrics.  Originally, I started out trying to find the Japanese version, but that was hampered by a lack of knowledge of foreign countries' translations and lazy internet searching.  (I gave up after two pages)  The result is something less than Every Anime Opening Ever Made and something more along the lines of an Anime music video.

My intention was to use double-entendres for the Japanese lyrics, but the lack of matching imagery and text meshing together forced me to revise this plan entirely, and I could only use my proposal for a select few scenes that had a happy coincidence.  Turns out there are a LOT of Anime openings with the word "Love" in them, which helped salvage my search somewhat.

For less enthusiastic Otakus out there confused about the frames, What follows below are the Animes I used, along with some notes for fansubbed lyrics that closely resembled the homaged song at the relevant screenshot in question:

3x3 Eyes

Love Hina (In the next shot, Shinobu is hanging up some laundry, which is another interpretation of the "making pants rise" line)

Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo

You're Under Arrest!

Excel Saga - "I love, but I’m not loved."

Kirby of the Stars

Hale nochi Guu - "LOVE LOVE LOVE"

Tsukiyomi ~ Moon Phase

Hajime no Ippo

Clannad - "A kind sweet bean dango" (This is kind of a cheat, since it comes from the ending theme song, not the opening)

Yakitate Japan

Lupin III

Escaflowne - "I love you. I love you."

Argento Soma - "Until we feel the melting of ourselves gently into each other"

Ruronin Kenshin - "I love you I love you I love you"

Corpse Princess (Those are hungry ghosts. I would've liked to use Attack on Titan, but there weren't any scenes of eating people in the opening, surprisingly enough)

Toriko

Wolf's Rain

Berserk

Revolutionary Girl Utena

Key the Metal Idol - "Why can't I show (Love you so)"

Azumanga Daioh - "The temptation of wheat" (a fair assessment of "One serving is never enough")

Pita-Ten - I wish “Hello, I say “I love U”

Club to Death Angel Dokuro-chan - "I’ll cut you, punch you, toy with you..." (This was the gentlest relevant torture scene I could find)

Kodomo no Omocha - "Today’s incident is burning love!"

Samurai Pizza Cats - "Go eat a pizza pie!"  (From the vastly superior American version)

Cardcaptor Sakura - "I’m - in - love - with - you!"

Groove Adventure Rave - "I'll give you paradise" (The main inspiration that led to all this)

For Garfield's finishing lines of "What good singer.  Could use lasagna cigarette", I referenced mangled Engrish and how yellow subtitles would look practically invisible without proper shading.

French Gorey Limericks

Recently, there was a preview of the latest MAD article that was a satirical take on Edward Gorey's Gashlycrum Tinies that's giving some mad respect for what was an out-of-date franchise that had largely fallen out of favor for its pandering to a clientele that relied more on gross tasteless jokes than thoughtful humourous look at the world.  In a world that had largely supplanted the influences from MAD and made them their own, the magazine was in danger of approaching irrelevancy.

Enter its renewal as a quarterly magazine, where it would try to focus on quality of Yetch! humour at a controlled pace, and the results are... kind of a mixed bag.  For most people, the quality level of MAD is dependable on how old you were when introduced to it, which artists were available, and how much you related to the parodies.

The Gorey parody is notable for its unflinching look at gun violence, but it wasn't the first time MAD tried to raise issue to the firepower problem.  It's certainly a far cry from when they refused to run a certain Fold-In for being "too controversial."  In the back of issue #520 June 2013, this was what was supposed to appear.

And when you folded the two images (or put one hand over the other and filled in the blanks), this was the result:

This happened around when there was a mass shooting at a movie theater, and the advertisers apparently were scared that this kind of disturbing imagery might discourage customers from going to the movies in the first place.  Nevermind that there are far more attractive outlets and easier ways to feed your viewing habits elsewhere, preferably from the comforts of your home.

When it comes to showing lighthearted commentary of Gothic darkness, Gorey tributes seem to be the way to go.  My only other contribution to Edward Gorey was from my parody of The Doubtful Guest in a Garfield setting.

I was thinking of Gorey's books recently, and only just decided to go about translating some of the French limericks from The Listing Attic, in the first Amphigorey book.  They'd been driving me nuts not knowing what they were saying, and I finally bit the bullet and Google-translated them.

For some, finding the proper rhyme was simple, but for others, it was much more complex.  I had to constantly rearrange the wording and sentence structure to make everything fit, while retaining the spirit of the message.

Yes, I know "uncomfortablist" isn't a real word, but rules are hardly strictly adhered in the realm of poetry.  What matters is that the chosen rhymes make the reader laugh, even if some lines have to get butchered in the process.

As you can see, I had to remove the line of the monk stabbing himself in the butt to make the last line work.  As tricky as that was, the one below gave me the biggest struggle, as I didn't know what "genièvre" meant, thinking it was "Juniper".  The bottle in the man's pocket was a big clue, and I deducted it must be Gin.  I looked up a long list of alcoholic drinks to try to find a brand that would rhyme with other words in the stanza, before realizing I was overthinking it, and decided to go for simplicity instead.  I also felt the preceding preemptive lines were too quick and short, and decided to slightly lengthen them.

You can judge the results for yourself, but if you think you can come up with something more accurate and better, be my guest.

Fitting Endings

There were several comic sites that once popular, suddenly dried up in terms of production.  For some reason or other, they were largely abandoned, and sporadically updated.  Ironically enough, when I was gathering material for their lack of updates, they spontaneously updated, as if they knew I was going to complain about their inactivity.  Well, joke's on them!  I'm going to talk about them, whether they want me to or not!

First up is an Archie Out of Context that I Almost submitted.

The only difference between this and mine was, I included the first panel, hence my hesitation.  The removal of the setup is a bigger improvement, since it presents an alluring figure in high heels, as all women who get out of the shower are won't to do.

Garfield Minus Garfield was a major contributing force back in the day, but recent edits have largely dried up.  The latest submission in months is not much different from all that's come before, the edits being easily manageable, and the motivation being just as uninspired by the source material.  That reasoning being that some strips that are background sensitive are trickier to deal with.

If at any time that G-G ever decides to hang up the phone on the parody for good, this entry from November 13, 1980 would be a worthy closer.