Amazing Greys

Much like a large segment of online Webcomic artists who’ve taken an extended hiatus (due in no small part thanks to the pandemic), before making a comeback about their sexuality, so too have I come into a realization about myself.  I’ve recently identified myself as being Asexual.  What does that mean?  It means that when I’ve eaten too much substances such as cake, and my weight exceeds the natural limit, my current form won't be able to contain my mass, so I’ll split into -

What?  That’s not the definition we’re going for?  Too bad.  2 of me wouldn’t be a bad idea.  I’d have someone to do half my chores while the other half lazes around.  But then I’d have to share my space with me, so it’s not as good as it sounds.

Basically, Asexuality can be described as a lack of sexual attraction, much in the way that single-celled cells have no desire to split apart, and are content doing their own thing.

To make matters more complicated, Asexuals CAN feel lust.  They just do so under very specific conditions.  Like if they’ve known the person for a long time and deeply connect and relate to them on a relatable level.  Or if they want to beat off to the latest salacious crack pairing fanfic.  (If I’d known Asexuals could masturbate, it would’ve saved me a LOT of confusion)

This realization doesn’t come from abstinence from sex.  It can come after being pressured from feeling left out twiddling your mitochondria while everyone’s dividing like crazy around you, trying to convince a cell to split.  “C’mon, you’ll LOVE it.”

Anytime 2 couples are paired together, promos go teasing around by asking questions of “Will they?  Won’t they?” and express their outrage of “Why AREN’T they?!”

From MAD’s Real Reasons why the X-Files is Totally Unbelievable

When the default state for romantic couples is ingrained in society, you start noticing it popping up everywhere, even in places where the hookup shouldn’t even make sense.  If you removed the five-second shot where the lovebirds lock lips, it’d hardly change the narrative one iota, especially when they’ve had to condense the contentions of meet-n-greet, getting to know each other, getting used to the annoying quirks, culminating in a connection, all in a single day.  It’s basically a narrative shortcut, and can be annoying when overused.

The thing was, whenever these pairings happened, they always felt forced, and I looked forward to the rare occasions where someone wouldn’t be romantically paired off with anyone.  Like Sheldon in the early seasons of Big Bang Theory before he was unceremoniously paired up with Amy (who originally had no interest in men) because the writers couldn’t conceive of a purely platonic relationship between two like-minded individuals.

There were very few representations of Asexuals, and I would welcome those rare instances when they came, because I found it fascinating.  That Tesla was able to fully devote all his time and energy into research rather than distractible foibles as love was admirable in a way.

The earliest instance I ever saw the theme of Asexuality represented was in a Manga.  Normally, this would sound counterintuitive, since Manga is known for having perverts and characters that are ‘sexier than sex’, but it works for the very first story in Mitsukazu Mihara’s I.C. in a Sunflower, Keep those Condoms Away from our Kids.  In this world, the young populace has suddenly developed a deep disinterest in propagating in the forbidden act of reproduction, the cause of which was... well...

Unfortunate implications surrounding vaccines notwithstanding, Mitsukazu couldn’t possibly know the false correlation between vaccines and Autism that would come up years later, but the power of the story still shines through.  With the majority of youth drained of desire, schools have forcibly extended their boundaries in prompting sex education to be taught with pornography.  As anyone knows, the surest way to deprive interest in any curriculum is to teach it in school.  If a worldwide phenomenon as Pokémon was taught in class, interest would dry up.  It’s not just that the very act of sex is rendered meaningless, but that main character Irori pretends he understands it to keep his parents and principal feel relieved.

This summary fails to convey the sheer power portrayed through a scant 31 pages, but pretty much all the stories in I.C. in a Sunflower, and can’t be recommended hard enough.

Another instance of portrayed comic Asexuality was in Sex Criminals where a side character was able to undergo the *reality-defying* ritual of stopping time by orgasming via an emotional high.  Still I didn’t make the connection.  I thought that Asexuals derived pleasure through alternate means via a kind of braingasm, deriving pleasure through different circuit pathways, much in the way that Jughead gets his jollies from eating hamburgers.  Or solving a difficult puzzle.  Or clearing a hard level.

When my sibling came out as Trans, I supported them as best as I could, listing several recommended comics in support, even as I struggled to understand their dysphoria.  One of which was How to be Ace by Rebecca Burgess.  It didn’t explicitly deal with Trans issues, but I extremely identified with the underlying social issues surrounding Asexuality.  So when I saw the dead tree version that continued from where the Webcomic left off, I immediately rushed to take it, my breathing coming in heaving gasps of excitement.  I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to read something so much.  I couldn’t until I got home, and started reading it immediately.

It’s a very personal book, and I was struck with the outright honesty portrayed throughout, but it’s not perfect.  Some of the panel layouts are meant to be read downwards instead of across, and it can come across as confusing the first time around.

Halfway through, I read this page and my perceptions completely changed.

For the longest time, I thought that the prerequisite for being Asexual was being totally disinterested in sex.  I didn’t know that someone could engage in masturbation and still be Asexual.  Once that little nugget of information slipped through, a lot of the puzzle pieces left strewn about started fitting together quickly.  I’d never wanted to kiss anyone, and oftentimes thought if I were cast for a Hollywood production or a play, one of my requests would be that I NOT be cast in a romantic situation where I’d have to kiss someone.  (Unless it’d service the plot, like making out with an escapee to escape spies, though even there, I’d probably tuck my lips in)

I’ve never had a wet dream, but I vividly recall what could be described as an anti-wet dream.  In the scenario, there was a young girl who stripped naked and frivolously danced about, displaying her underdeveloped body for all who wanted to see her.  Making herself available to any who wanted to take advantage.  In my dreams, I’m more of an observer, but in this instance, I was a participant.  I took my coat off and put it on her.  It was clear to me she’d been conditioned to wantonly display herself from a young age and didn’t know any other way of being.

In this idealized realm free of consequences where I could indulge any whim I wanted, I chose to be kind.

I lean more towards Greysexual than outright Asexual, being primarily interested in porn.  It may seem contradictory for a self-proclaimed Asexual to be interested in sex, but I’m a fan since so much of it revolves around humour, and I’m a connoisseur of humour in many forms.  So, given that I wanked off to many available material (online and offline), I still felt like a fraud for even thinking that I belonged on the Asexual frame.  (Still do)

From the emotionally devastating Gastrophobia (Pepsiaphobia) story A Good Egg.

It doesn't feel right to take the Ace slang that's normally associated with someone who's notoriously overtalented compared to his teammates.  That, and when I hear the term, I think of the Manga Aim for the Ace, even though the current generation hardly even knows it exists.

Even though I like consuming pornography, I have no inclination to openly engage any physical relationship with someone I don’t know.  Even communicating with someone I’m familiar with is an uphill struggle.  Being Asexual is very different from the toxic online base of incels (involuntary celibates), who feel entitled to have sex, having it denied to them, and rant against those who won’t share.  I’m not sex-repulsed, I’m touch-averse.

So much of what passes for sex in a relationship revolves around communication, seeking out insights of little cues of what sensitive spots excites your partner, anticipating their needs and meeting them.  And being both deaf and Autistic, I simply would fail to meet those requirements in making the other party feel appreciated.

From My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness

As of now, I’m in the trifecta of invisible disabilities; Deafness, Autism and now Asexuality.  Though it shouldn’t be too surprising, since the LGBTQA+ rate is 2/3rds higher among Autistics than other groups.

Also, I don’t like the Asexual flag, despite liking the colours black and purple.  It just looks so... drab.  Though some artists have managed to make the colour combination work.  (Can be easily mistaken for the ‘Attraction to Women/Femininity’ flag, where the lower colour is pink instead of purple)  I much more prefer the Greysexual flag though - it’s symmetrical.

While there isn’t as much implied bias towards Asexuals, there’s still an underlying distrust towards them along the likes of Transexuals and Bisexuals.  Trans for betraying their side, Bisexuals for playing both sides, and Asexuals for being on neither side.

One thing that struck me once I self-identified as being Asexual was how much Asexuality was a part of my stories.  I never had any inclination of putting any romance in them, which freed me up from thinking up convoluted ways for people to be together, apart or whatnot.

I even developed an erotic fanfic based on Julius Zimmerman’s drawings (most of them centered around Jessica Rabbit) which focused on a girl, Jean R. Rikk (generic) attending Moorehead High who would be exposed to a litany of titillating erotic exploits about her busty cartoon classmates.  And then in the last two chapters, the whole narrative would turn on its head after she found out she was Asexual.

This is the most SFW image he’s done.

A potential symptom of being Asexual should be that you think about characters along those lines more than most people do.  To describe me, one of my favorite coming out comic bios could’ve just as easily been retitled The Times I knew I was Ace.

"People might think that everyone starts out in a closet until they're ready to 'come out.'  The closet could be dark and scary or quite roomy and resemble more of a clothes rail.  But what's funny for me is that I didn't even know that there was a closet - or that I was very much stuck inside it."

Here’s a segment taken from a chapter of my WebNovel Sweet Sick Teen (kind of a warped pregnant Alice in Wonderland that doesn’t emulate any inspiration from the Lewis Carol classic) of a dialogue between the unnamed Girl and the Pale Boy as a take that on YA books that specifically devoted on romance over the political ramifications of the story.

“There are Romance serials where there’s built-up sexual tension between a guy and a girl who have loads of chemistry.  This can last for hundreds of pages.  The buildup can be so prolonged that audiences can go into a wild frenzy if the two wind up not getting together.  Modern Romances have decided to sidestep this annoying will they/won’t they dilemma by having them kiss early on.”

The Girl made an overhead sweep with her arm.  “Get it out of the way!  Once that’s over and done with, the audience that’s been tingling with anticipation can finally concentrate and enjoy the rest of the story without wondering whether these two will hook up or not.  It doesn’t matter if they never kiss again, since they’ve already done the dirty deed.  You understand?”

(No, but yes)

The above line was actually a simplified pale imitation of the Pale Boy’s facial expressions, which would be impossible to accurately describe.  In terms of body language, the Girl was able to coherently convert the full extent of his thoughtful look into a range of comprehension that was closer to (I don’t, but I think I do).  The same meaning, but very different connotations.

They continued looking into each other’s eyes, compassion and understanding passing through both of them.  And it was this very moment that the Burned Man chose to interrupt the pair.

“What are the two of you lazing about for?  Get back to work!”

Incidentally, the title of this post also refers to the surveillance reflective walls casting a feeling of being watched that aren’t officially given a name until the 3rd story, Proof of Purpose.