Saturday, July 25, 2020

The Darkest Silliest Stupidest Timeline (2018)

Who’s got the worstest disposition? One guess — guess who! Who’d always, always start an argument? Who never shows a bit of compassion? Who’s always wrong but never right? Who’d always dream of starting a fight? Who sticks bad luck with all the chumps? No one but Donald Trump!
I had planned to post some more of the noteworthy personal commentary for news article around June, but the recent Coronavirus Pandemic and constant disruption of my schedule has seriously dampened my enthusiasm for doing so.  Not to mention the repeat failed attempts from the current Dictator-in-Chief's attempt to re-establish something resembling order.  Still, I went to all this trouble to find these, and there's no point in letting this go to waste.

For starters, this opening news item is a microcosm of the sheer exhaustion of keeping up with the news:
Trump blasts New York Times over White House counsel report
President Trump “repeatedly attacked the New York Times on Sunday, over a report which said White House counsel Don McGahn has cooperated extensively with special counsel Robert Mueller in his investigation of Russian election interference, links between Trump aides and Moscow and potential obstruction of justice,” The Guardian reports. 
”The president both called the report ‘fake’ and confirmed its substance.”

Living in an age of Trump constantly sealioning us is like living this Nonsensical Rhyme that I first saw in Emperor Joker:
Ladies and gentlemen, skinny and stout,
I will tell you a story I know nothing about.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.
Pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you a story I know nothing about.
One bright morning in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf Policeman heard the noise
Came and killed the two dead boys
If you don't believe this lie, it's true!
Ask the blind lady on the corner, she saw it too!


After questioning Spicer, Democrats want to depose Priebus about election night activities
"What were you doing in - "

"NOTHING! I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING! NOTHING SUSPICIOUS!"

"I haven't finished the question yet."

"MASTURBATING! I WAS FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING!!!"

"Really? Because I have your search history here, and - "

"THOSE WERE ILLEGALLY GOTTEN!! THEY WEREN'T PART OF THE RUSSIAN COLLUSION REPORT!!!

"Really? How would you know that?"

"...THE DEMOCRATS SHOWED ME THEM!"

Confused readers are buying the wrong ‘Fire and Fury’
“Confused readers are buying a military book in droves all because it has a title similar to Michael Wolff’s bombshell Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, according to a new report.”
Said Randall Hanson, the author of Fire and Fury: The Allied Bombing of Germany, 1942-1945: “It amused me and part of me thought, can people really be that dumb to be confusing these books?” 
“The Canadian political science professor at the University of Toronto never imagined his book — exploring civilian perspectives on the Allied bombing of Germany during WWII — would make it to Amazon’s bestseller list ten years after he wrote it.”
"Are you sure you've got the right book? It doesn't have Trump's face on it."

"How many 'Fire & Furies' are there? Add it to the burn pile."
Trump takes hard line on immigration, rejects 'horrible' bipartisan plan
"There! Now that the Government's on Shutdown, I can finally get some well deserved rest."

"Sir, your job still isn't over yet. You're the President."

"WHAT?! Why didn't anybody tell me?!"

"We did. Multiple times."

"When will this nightmare ever end?!"

"We've been asking ourselves that since day one."

"What was THAT?!?"

"You could always resign if the pressure is too much for you, and before you're indicted - "

"NEVAR!! I worked too long and hard to achieve this position, and I'll be damned if I give it up without a fight! Here, have somebody do it for me."

"Do it yourself sir. I quit."

*Long string of incoherent swearing in the form of a 280 character tweet that's immediately caught on voice recording and sent worldwide that's later denied by Republicans and admired by the Alt-Right for 'saying it like it is'.*

You'd think that given how much Trump's pissing everybody off on both sides, he'd have a higher number.  "Just LOOK at how much death mail I'm getting from all these losers! SAD! But I'm getting more than Obama ever did!"

"Sir, this is a stalker message saying how much they love you. And it's in your own handwriting."

Donald Trump tells Theresa May he won't visit the UK unless she bans protests
"We've just declared war on North Korea, South Korea, East Korea, China, Japan, one of those Asian countries no one remembers, India, Africa, those S-hole countries we've banned Muslims from, the EU, The Royals, Ireland, Switzerland, Mexico and Canada."

"Yay!!!!.... um, now what??"

“What if we declared a war and everybody came?”

“Here’s a worse scenario - what if we declared a war and nobody came?”

WE DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN INTERESTING TIMES. WE WANT TO EXPERIENCE THOSE EXPERIENCES VICARIOUSLY THROUGH OTHERS SO WE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW UNREALISTIC THOSE CHOICES THEY'VE MADE ARE DUE TO BAD WRITING.

Not applauding is Treason! Kneeling while the National Anthem is playing is Treason! Forgetting the words to the National Anthem is Treason! Not putting your hand over your heart while the National Anthem playing is Treason! Hugging the American Flag is Treason! Giving Tax Cuts to the poor is Treason! Using Solar Energy is Treason! Helping Puerto Ricans is Treason! Not accepting Bribes is Treason! Weakening the moral code of America is... not treason.
Kelly offers account of Porter exit that some White House aides consider untrue
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly “instructed senior staff to communicate a version of events about the departure of staff secretary Rob Porter that contradicts the administration’s previous accounts.
"He molested his children."
"Uh huh."
"He sold off his first-born to the lowest bidder."
"Yeah?"
"He starved a whole country because they wouldn't buy his stock."
"Mmm."
"He caused the extinction of 500 rare species."
"Yawn."
"And he posted a single anti-Trump tweet."
"FIRE HIM AT ALL COSTS!!!"
More than 40 percent of Trump’s first Cabinet-level picks have faced ethical or other controversies
"See! I'm draining the Swamp! Everybody who's been corrupt has been leaving!"

Said Trump: “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.”
Trump: I would have run into school during shooting even without a gun
President Trump claimed he would have run into a Florida high school to prevent a gunman from carrying out this month’s mass shooting, The Hill reports.
"I would've single-handedly won the Vietnam War if it wasn't for my darned bone spurs!"

Speaking of funding, remember Trump's promise to build a wall?  That the Mexicans would pay for to keep 'em out?  THAT wall?

Well, there was talk that they were running out of money to accomplish building such a impressive intimidating barrier even though only three meters had been completed so far, and Immigrants were already climbing and pole-vaulting over it with ease.  This led to some concerned followers starting a Kickstarter for the Wall.
"Folks, have I got a deal for YOU. Are you sick of those Dirty Immigrants coming over from Mexico, some of whom are very good people, taking our jobs with their drugs and taco trucks and crime? Then the WALL is what you need! A beautiful beautiful wall that stretches across the land, blocking the way into the good ol' US of A. No one inside can get out. No one outside can get in. But we're constantly stymied by those fat cat bureaucrats in Government, many who I've drained from the swamp - and there's more of them than we ever thought - are unwilling and unable to provide tax funds to pay for our beautiful wall. Mexico won't pay for that wall. The corrupt Government won't pay for that wall. *I* sure as hell ain't paying for that wall. But you, the people, are more than willing to pay for that wall. All it'll take is a hefty bite out of your paycheck, which will go into the Trump Charity fund, which will go into constructing a hundred feet tall wall that will stand the test of the ages, and protect us from the dirty immigrants threatening our way of life." 
"Believe me."

In terms of effectiveness, the Trump Wall is the new Maginot Line.  But that's not even close to the most expensive wastely product, which would have to be these Gold Chicken Wings, dipped in liquid gold.
24K gold chicken wings are NYC's latest weird food craze
I'm assuming this is aimed at the Trump demographic. BTW, does anyone know if Gold Dust can be filtered through the body once digested? I'm guessing it doesn't.

Trump is well-known for eating mainly hamburgers (hamberders), because junk food is preprocessed and prepared beforehand, then served randomly, making polonium poisoning much more difficult.  Unless you’re willing to affect hundreds of people to go after one target.

If so, this could be the most elaborate expensive assassination plot on Trump. Because how else could he resist?  Gives a whole new meaning to Brown-Nosers and Gold Diggers.

Flake: 'There should be' Republican challenger to Trump in 2020
"ANYBODY would be better than Trump."

"Who are you planning to have him run against?"

"...Trump for life! Life for Trump!"
The most toxic working environment on the planet
In 14 months covering this White House, Jonathan Swan says he’s “never registered such a mood of acute anxiety from within the West Wing.”
“Nobody knows what exactly is happening, who’s about to be fired, or which staffer will next be frogmarched out the door by security for some shadowy clearance issue.”
Said one official: “This is the most toxic working environment on the planet.
Chernobyl Cleanup Crewman: I can't possibly imagine a more toxic working environment.

Trump White House: Hold my beer.
Trump keeps saying he’s innocent. So why does he keep sounding like he’s guilty?
"I AM INNOCENT! JUST LISTEN TO HOW INNOCENT I SOUND!!!"

Kelly denies calling Trump an ‘idiot,’ says news report is ‘pathetic attempt to smear people’
"I didn't call him an idiot. I called him a %*%^(#$%*@)@(#$*#%@#$()$^*@$%@#$*%*
@#$%@#%*@#%@#$!@$*!$!@#$#*%#$*^#$*%^@$(@#$#!@$(@#*^#$(^ idiot."

Many GOP politicians dislike Trump. They’re terrified to admit it.
"I am Vehemently against the President, and everything he stands for. And I'm not afraid to admit it. Uh... this is off the record, right?"

Why Trump's White House never says sorry
“Once you’ve worked for Trump for a while you know that the worst thing you can do, the biggest show of weakness, is to apologize. He never does and never did (with one exception — the “Access Hollywood” tape). So staff knows that if they publicly apologize they’re actually MORE likely to incur Trump’s wrath than if they just move on.” 
Said a senior administration official: “Not apologizing is a core operating principle for Trump. The basic belief is that you never actually get ‘credit’ — from the Left, the media, political opponents, etc. — for apologizing, so why do it? Even the Access Hollywood response video included a defiant Trump going after the ‘actions’ of Bill Clinton and ‘bullying of victims’ by Hillary, and ended with ‘See you at the debate!'”
Being Trump means never having to say you're sorry.
Putting ‘White House’ on the resume is less of a boost
"Let's see, you performed for Saddam Hussain, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Milosevic, Kim Jun Il, and Fidel Castro, but you won't perform for the White House?"

"I have ethical standards. Besides, Trump won't pay me."

It's Become Impossible for Republicans to Deny Their Party Is Racist
"What are you talking about? Why would I throw these stones in my glass house? And my kettle's blacker than your pot! Remember the good old times when we were the party that freed the slaves?"

"Dude, I wasn't even ALIVE back then. I'm not THAT old."

Denny Upkins, one of the most opinionated people online, and perpetual Cassandra who saw Trump’s Presidency happening. As one of his most favorable quotes goes, ‘America was all cool till Trump came & started treating everyone else like Black People.’.


"Alright, we're up to the 97th plague. Feel like compromising to our demands yet?"

"Nope. You've got to run out of plagues sooner or later."
GOP candidate accused of being 'devotee of Bigfoot erotica' by Democratic opponent in Virginia House race
"This raises disturbing issues in the realm of Trump's tastes."

“We were fine with you stealing children out of mother's arms, but Bigfoot erotica is GOING TOO FAR."

Trump: "There are fine people and not-people on both sides."

"Well, Trump is clearly all for it, so there's nothing wrong there."

"There was no need to have the Censor bar extended that far! It wasn't that exaggerated!"

"So, you're attracted to small-dicked snowmen?"

"You're detracting from the bigger issue! Which is that there are political issues worth talking about!"

"What are your feelings on Trump's future plans?"

"Let's get back to talking about Bigfoot erotica."
Promoting voter ID, Trump says ID needed to buy groceries
"You need to show ID just to smoke. You need to show ID just to drink. Why wouldn't you need to show ID just to eat?"

Something that explains a lot:
Eric Trump says his father 'tunes out' criticism so he doesn't kill himself
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the chorus to ‘Deck the Halls.’”
EXCLUSIVE: ex-Trump World Tower doorman's "catch-and-kill" contract released
"I WAS PREGNANT WITH THE PRESIDENT'S BABY!"

Not a National Enquirer headline.  Anymore.

In Hilton Head mayor race, 1 candidate a ‘Holocaust revisionist.’ Another admires Hitler.
"Okay, so he's a Holocaust-denying Nazi, but at least he's not a DEMOCRAT."

Republican senator slams Trump's DOJ attack: US 'not some banana republic'
"The US is not some banana republic."

"...yet"
I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Nyarlathotep’s Death Cult
"We warned you this was what would happen if you elected a Black Man in the White House!"

"As I recall, those warnings were for Obama."

"That's completely different."
‘I Don’t Talk’ That Way, Trump Says. Except When He Does.
"Who are you going to believe? Me, or your lying eyes?
Sarah Sanders told people to call the 'failing' New York Times, but people phoned to thank the paper instead
"No, NO! You're supposed to be complaining to them, not complimenting them!"
CNN Poll: Trump approval dips, hits low among independents
"Why are my numbers dropping?! These are the most shocking developments happening EVER!!"

"Your audience is becoming desensitized to your antics."

"What can I do to win them back?"

"Try being more Presidential and Boring."

"I did that for five seconds. It was terrible. Never again.

Trump says Americans will ‘lose a lot of money’ if GOP loses in midterm elections
Translation: "I've put a pool on ALL the Republicans, so don't make me lose my bet!"
Congressional Leaders Warn of Democratic Check on Trump Presidency
"If you elect Democrats, things will become dull and normal again."

Trump may be thinking that voters won't like Biden because he won't get as big ratings.  Considering the current Chinese Curse, I'm sure we can agree that we'd LOVE to be bored.  I'd just like to have a Liberal President and a Liberal Prime Minister working together for longer than a year.
Midterms test whether Republicans not named Trump can win by stoking racial animosity
"On a totally unrelated topic, I'm legally changing my name to Trump. The President's lawyers can contact me for buying the rights to his name.  I’m sure he’ll appreciate the publicity. He won’t miss it."
Fox News legal analyst stunned at how Mueller made it impossible for Trump to save Manafort
"Did you try to bribe a Federal Agent to ignore evidence against you?"

"Is it against the law to bribe a law official?!"

"Yes it is."

"Oh."

Trump on Coming Debt Crisis: ‘I Won’t Be Here’ When It Blows Up
"You can always default it on your debtors when the bill comes. That's what I've always done, and it's worked fine for me!"


3 new docs may show some of what ex-Trump aides have told Mueller
And like the Marvel movies, we're gonna need MULTIPLE movies just to cover the BASICS of the entire Trump scandal. Scandals.

"Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover even ever!"

Trump bio/expose/documentary: "Hold our beer."
Do a ‘marginal’ number of 7-year-olds believe in Santa? That’s what Trump told a SC girl.  That was the time Trump told a 7-year old girl that Santa Claus was ‘marginal’.
Best comment: “The ONE time we need him to lie, and he screws it up.”

"I bet you believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy too?"

"Right now, I believe them more than the President."
Trump says he will do ‘whatever it takes’ to secure funding for border wall
“These politicians should start telling him they’ll only vote for the wall after he gives blowjobs to everybody in Congress and Senate.”

"Okay. Where can I get some #10 hookers in this deadbeat town?"

"No, that's not what... actually, there's some quality women on 10th and main. But you didn't hear that from me."


And on top of everything else, Trump made good on his promise to get tough on immigrants by rounding up any refugees and putting them in wire cages, separating the kids from the parents, some of them as young as 2 years old.
"What are you complaining about? Stop calling it a Holocaust Genocide! ONLY five million people have died so far! And we're getting calls for MORE deaths, so we're not as bad as you think!"








Thursday, July 23, 2020

Text be Gon!

In the early heydays when Manga was being trotted out, one of the early properties that was picked up by the so-called "Big Two" of comics was the silent dinosaur comic, Gon.  The dense illustrations being their major selling point for anyone who happened to like seeing nature scenes interjected with miniature Popeye-strength dinosaurs.

And even though the story could still be understood well enough, they still felt the need to insert page-length essays to validate purchasing these quick-read volumes to adult customers who would've wanted something worth reading to stimulate their minds, not having gotten enough out of the pantomime actions themselves.




If you really think that reading silent comics is an easy thing, check out the massive book, 2000 Comic L'association, filled with 2000 pages of nothing but silent comics from all over the world, each with their own different beats and rhythms, and see if taking a casual 'read' through that monstrous brick is an easy experience.

Future printings have gone away with the expositionary introductions, but there's still something charming about the need to insert commentary where none is really needed.






The ironic part is that while the first essay compared the kidification of dinosaurs to be little more than merchandisable toys to be sold to children, Gon has become something of a mascot himself, making cameo appearances in fighting video games.  If you look at the character design, Gon is basically a Chibi Godzilla.






If you have the more recent printings, chances are you've probably noticed that some of these chapters are slightly out of order.  (Also compare the similarity between the title covers, "Gon Builds a Mansion" and "Gon Glares") This was to subtly hide the still-budding artwork by surrounding the early stories with later ones, and also cover the early installment weirdness when Gon was acting more like a jerk to his fellow animals.






I'll be honest with you - the rough treatment that Gon sometimes conveys towards his surrounding animals makes me uncomfortable, and amount to animal abuse.  Usually, all it takes to suffer Gon's wrath is incurring a crime as simple as trying to eat.  Even when predators deserve whatever disproportionate retribution they've incurred over the length of dozens of pages like some kind of Fletcher Hanks villain, I can't stand to see them suffer.




Everybody seems to enjoy wanting more realistic graphics while playing video games, but I couldn't stand to look at the violence of something as basic as Double Dragon, simply because the 8-bit sprites was too 'realistic'.  I could stomp on face-sized mushroom heads with no problem, and take a sword to land octopuses and spear-chucking goblins without impunity.  But smacking a human being with blunt physical force was more than I could handle.


Another slight difference between the American version and other foreign publishers was that at the very end, there was a participating illustration accompanying the last page.

Somehow, this pun was abandoned in a later printing to display Gon's toughness:

In the original Japanese, this normally static pose was just one of several accumulative stances that ultimately ended up with the titular dinosaur spinning faster and faster.







This is the last known image I was able to find.  If Gon continued to spin any faster, he'd probably approach the speed of light, creating a force equivalent to the Hadron Collision Collider.