Monday, March 14, 2011

LoveCraft’s Children’s Stories

Lately, its become fashionable to reimagine favorite Children’s books into adult storytales. Starting with Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, Beastly, and the release of Red Riding Hood last Friday, everybody’s been talking about how they’ve been cashing in the Twilight mythos of a misunderstood cursed handsome man. However, rather than complain that they bastardized a childish concept by making it all dark, I’ll argue that they didn’t make it dark ENOUGH. I haven’t seen the movie myself, but from the commercials, I have a sense of the formulaic plot. Too much of the known traits of RRH comes from the fairy tale, and not the original story where the woodsman didn’t appear. Obviously, this wouldn’t attract audiences who’re more used to endings where the girl gets to stay alive despite the mistakes she made.

People have been rewriting stories for as long as they’ve existed. (And in some cases, editing them so they’ll be more suitable to “modern” tastes) And if a work becomes truly cherished, they’ll eventually branch out into porn versions.* I'm not much of a fan of warped interpretations of fairy tales with darker themes (with the exception of OZ Squad) such as the upcoming movie Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. I’m more of the camp of stories as imagined as written by other authors, where the central theme is similar, but the execution is completely different.

(*Do your own research.)

In my case, I thought what children’s stories would be like if the master of cosmic horror stories, H.P. Lovecraft branched out into that field. Since there’s no evidence he was ever interested in reaching out to a younger audience to foist his phobias onto, there’s only speculation based on the templates of other stories.

Obviously, this wouldn’t be considered helpful messages for children already scared out of their wits in an already messed-up world. Not to mention Lovecraft’s abundance use of antiquated purple prose that less than 1% of the audience would understand. (Be wary of that one percent who does understand**) The great thing is that if he were faced with an editorial mandate to keep his writing under control, very little of the actual text has to be changed to give the interpretation an entirely new meaning.

(**If they use it properly in the form of a sentence, either be very impressed or very nervous.)

Thus, this beloved classical story becomes a tale where every recognizable thing keeps disappearing from view; Goodbye Moon.

Goodbye room

Goodbye moon

Goodbye BsqrTr’a eating the moon

Goodbye light and the red balloon

Goodbye bears Goodbye chairs

Goodbye kittens Goodbye mittens

Goodbye clocks and Goodbye socks

Goodbye little house and Goodbye mouse

Goodbye comb and Goodbye brush

Goodbye nobody Goodbye mush

and Goodbye to the old lady whispering “madness”

Goodbye stars, Goodbye air

Goodbye noises everywhere.

Next on the list would be The Carrot Seed, a story where hard work and preservance eventually pay off in a large reward for all your toils and troubles in the face of doubtful oppression. With a little modification, it can be rewritten as; The Kry’tt Seed.

A little boy planted a Kry’tt seed.

His mother said, “I’m afraid it might come up.”

His father said, “I’m afraid it will come up.”

His brother said, “Please don’t let that seed come up.”

But the boy pulled up the weeds around it every day and sprinkled the ground with water.

But five years later, nothing came up.

And ten years later, nothing came up.

For fifty years, everybody pleaded him not to let it come up.

But for a hundred years, he continued to pull up the weeds and sprinkled the ground with water.

And then, one day, a hundred thirty years later,

A Kry’tt popped up,

Just as the little boy had known it would. (The “boy” has a blissful look on his face as the Kry’tt carries him off in its appendages)

Lastly, a story where your curiosity is finally sated in the humouristic The Chtulhu at the end of the Necronomicon. Starring Loveable Very Old Nyarlathotep.

Helloooo everybodeee!

What a boring page. Wouldn’t you want to read something more interesting?

WHAT DID THAT SAY? You read that right. There IS indeed a Cthulhu at the end of this book. If you’re scared of monsters, Cthulhu will scare you out of your wits. Cthulhu is far beyond your basic concept of monsters.

it’ll do you no good to complain. You were fated to finish this book the moment you touched it and started reading.


In case you don’t understand, you’re too mentally fragile to see what Cthulhu looks like. If you want to venture any further, you must first break this basic barrier.

Congratulations! YOU TURNED ANOTHER PAGE! Because of your insatiable human curiosity, you will never STOP TURNING PAGES!

Let’s try something a little harder this time. This kind of lock will require the most unorthodox cunning in order to open.

All right, all right, alright. Not bad for a beginner. If it were me, I wouldn’t have made such a terrible mess.

This is the last line of defense. Only the most potent minds can break through this mental wall.

Do you know that you are stronger than you think?

The previous pages were just warm-ups for the main event. This is the penultimate page, and Cthulhu is on the next page. Don’t be scared, you’ve proven your worth of seeing Lord Cthulhu in his purest form. Ready? Ready? Ready?

The following image & text have been censored in order to spare your feeble human senses from being overwhelmed by the presence that would reduce you to a gibbering mess. If you want the full effect, get your own copy.

Don’t you feel embarrassed?

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